Hi Suzie36,

If your new fence is damaged, talk to the parents of the kid about it, suggest they purchase equipment (nets, etc.) needed to keep the ball from hitting your fence. Hopefully they’ll offer to pay for any damage their son has caused, but if they don’t ask them to. And if you see your husband only 30 minutes a day, you need to address this too.

There’s a basketball court in my front yard right outside my husband’s and my bedroom. We can’t move it into our backyard because we don’t have the concrete area that’s required there. One afternoon a young kid who lives nearby was working hard on perfecting his shots on our court (his mom had asked us if he could use the court) and an elderly woman in the neighborhood said to him “You’re not going to bounce that ball right now, are you? I’m trying to nap and the constant bouncing is very annoying.” So the kid apologized, took his basketball inside his house, and never came out to play again. This kid had big family problems, unfortunately. The best thing for him was to get out of his house and be active.

I realize that the sound of a kid playing basketball is very annoying to some but to others it’s not so bad. To me it’s a calming healthy sound. You can change the way you feel about a sound.

Parents of young kids are struggling during this pandemic. They can’t take their kids to local parks to run around and play football, but kids need to be active so parents are doing the best they can. Your problem is a temporary one. One day the pandemic will be over and kids will be back in school full-time and your days will be quiet again. Also, in the blink of an eye this kid will not be interested in football in his backyard any longer. He will be on his iphone/computer etc., maybe even getting into trouble too. The sounds that come from a kid playing football are so much better than the sounds of bottles breaking from a family’s alcohol induced arguments or the smells of cigarette/marijuana smoke.

Let him play football and change your thoughts about it.

I get it though. People are annoying. They let their kids do whatever their kids want to do. Why should your neighbors get away with letting their kids make so much noise when your kids are so quiet and well behaved? I have no good answer but my advice to you is that you need to figure out how to be happy in spite of other people’s annoying behavior because as your kids enter elementary school and are around a lot of other kids all day, and you’re around their parents too, things are going to annoy the hell out of you daily. Choose your battles wisely because there are countless potential battles ahead of you with teachers, coaches, principals, other parents, neighbors, PTA, etc. Let this one go. And also let go the one about your family members not paying enough attention to your kids when you did the opposite with their kids. Just let it go. Choose to be happy.

Things are not always going to go according to the plan. People are not going to act the way you expect. You have to be somewhat flexible and accommodating in certain circumstances. Don’t let everything trigger you. Choose to be more chill.

So to finally answer what I think you’re real question is, whenever you feel anger and tension, stop what you’re doing and focus on your breathing until you are calm again. Do this as many times a day as you need to and get very good at it.

B

Dear Suzie36:

Reads like your mother’s “parenting method” was to take advantage of you. I suppose it was “the best she could” do for herself, at your expense.

Guilt tripping is a common tool mothers use to get what they want from their children. Nothing to do with parenting, it’s a behavioral strategy that works because children naturally feel empathy for the mother, wanting to make her happy.

I can very much relate to how much the neighbors’ noise bothers you. I suffered a whole lot from neighbors’ noise. Seven years ago I moved to the country, far away from neighbors, but still I could hear the neighbors (father, son and visitors) playing basketball during summer evenings and it bothered me a lot. There were other noises that bothered me around here too: the barking of dogs and the calling of a rooster. What I found out living in the country, in recent years, was that much of what bothered me was not the noise itself, but that I thought that the neighbors were inconsiderate, that they knew the noise was bothering me and they didn’t care! That infuriated me.

For example, I thoughts that one of my neighbors, the ones with the rooster, knew it bothered me but didn’t care. Later it occurred to me: wait, the rooster noise (morning, noon, evening, all through) didn’t bother them. So maybe they didn’t think it will bother their neighbors either. Maybe it didn’t cross their minds that it will bother a neighbor, such as me.

At that point, the noise bothered me less and less, until  it no longer did. The rooster has been quiet today though. Maybe it’s their dinner later on. It will be okay with me, if that’s the case.

anita

* You are welcome, Brandy. Your post brought the first smile to my face today, and it is 3:55 pm!

anita