In/Out of Emotionally Abusive Relationship

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This topic has 95 replies, 25 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.

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April 2, 2016 at 8:46 am #100703

Anonymous
Guest

Dear terry216:

I admire your courage and persistence. Your thinking is logical and sensible. You know that if you went back to him you will feel good for a little while but not for long. You know it will be destructive for you. And you know that you are building self esteem and confidence staying away from him and healing- and this is priceless.

Long term view, seeing beyond the easy and short lived fix, is what I admire most in your post. Rooting for you big time!

anita

April 3, 2016 at 6:20 am #100729

Em
Participant

Hi everybody

Oh … It’s just like what I am going through. 🙁 I Donno how many times I have tried to move out of this but no success…

Got to get some courage and RUN

April 3, 2016 at 8:24 am #100738

Anonymous
Guest

Dear renascent:

If you would like, you can start a thread with your relationship struggles and maybe it will help you “get some courage and run”!

If you click FORUMS, choose a category (Relationships), click that, go down the page to the empty box for the title of your thread and a box for the body of your post).

i will be interested to read and reply.

anita

April 4, 2016 at 9:52 am #100819

tinywanderlust
Participant

Hi All,

As I read some of these posts, I can’t help but want to share what ended up working for me in getting out of my toxic relationship.

The final straw for me came when we both went to a therapist together, and he became verbally abusive IN therapy. The therapist finally asked me, “What do you really feel you’re getting from this relationship? What value is he actually adding to your life? How is he actually making your life better?” The answers were that I was getting nothing, he wasn’t adding value and he wasn’t making my life better.

After I finally left the relationship, I spent time working on healing myself. I continued to see a therapist on my own. I read more books than I can recall. I nourished my friendships and my relationship with my family. I focused on me and the things that mattered to me. I wrote positive words of affirmations to remind myself the important things my toxic partner tried to deplete my mind of. I made a vision board of what I really wanted in a partner and I got REALLY specific about it. I wrote a letter to myself a year out, thinking about all of the things I wanted to accomplish in the year.

I am happy to say that I’ve spent almost two years now in a happy, healthy relationship with a man I love more than I’ve ever loved anyone. He treats me with respect. He communicated effectively. He supports me. He never brings me down. We are so deeply connected and we are true equals. We have a deep passion and shared interests and work together to keep our relationship strong and healthy. He is everything that I wanted and needed in a partner.

When I looked at both my vision board and my letter- everything I wanted on the board and in the letter, I had found in him.

Here’s some of the things I did/read that really helped. I hope it helps all of you who need it, too:

-CUT OFF ALL CONTACT and DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT respond or reach out anymore. The only person you hurt is you.

-Read the book, “Attached”. I learned a lot about attachment styles and attachment theory. Many of us who end up in emotionally abusive relationships have an attachment style called, “Preoccupied/Anxious” and are usually drawn to another attachment style called, “Avoidant”. In many cases, narcissists are avoidants. This kind of person you must stay far away from. They don’t change. Repeat after me: THEY DO NOT CHANGE.

-Research a therapy called, “EMDR”. It’s a highly intensive therapy designed for victims of trauma. Do not for a second think that being in an emotionally abusive relationship isn’t a trauma. Plus, chances are, there’s a lingering trauma you may not have dealt with that lead you down the path of being in a relationship like this. Look into EMDR, find a therapist and if you can’t afford one, read the books on EMDR.

-Spend time along thinking about the life you want. Don’t hold back. Don’t be afraid to desire greatness for yourself.

-There’s another book called, “You Are a Bad Ass”. I didn’t read this at the time, but I’ve read it since and I recommend it for everyone, in general.

-Learn to love yourself. Going back to these awful people, is not loving yourself. Staying away and getting healthy IS.

Good luck!

xoxo

April 4, 2016 at 7:15 pm #100866

Anonymous
Guest

Dear tinywandrerlust:

Thank you for this update. What an unusual opportunity this is for me to learn how you made it to such a better place in your life. I read your first posts of February 2014, trying to learn and I noticed so far that you were in therapy then. You also had a few good friends, who although were tired of your on again off again relationship, still stood by you. I also noticed in your replies to people on this thread, back in 2014, you were authentically empathetic, attentive to their stories, able to give and receive empathy- the latter in retrospect, I think, was most promising.

I will read more of your thread tomorrow and would like to comment more. Again, it is unusual for a person to return to a thread older than two years. Thank you!

anita

April 5, 2016 at 11:56 am #100938

Anonymous
Guest

Dear tinywandrelust/ Reader:

In my efforts to learn from your experience, tinywanderlust, my first post today is all quotes from your posts Feb 2014, August 2014 and April 2016. My second post will be my writing about what I learned from your shares.

Feb 2014: “I have been in and out of an emotionally abusive relationship for the past 2 years…The more reactive I become, the more he blames me for all of our problems. I have left the relationships more times than I am even willing to admit. I have tried dating other people, I’ve traveled, I’ve spent time with my friends and family. The longer I go without him, the happier and stronger I feel, but as soon as I feel lonely or weak or I hear from him,I cave and next thing I know, I’m back into things. Only to be met with the emotional abuse within a few days to a week of being around each other.

Like most emotionally abusive relationships EVERYTHING is my fault. I am the one who needs to repair the damage. I am the one who did everything wrong, especially since I became reactive to his words and behaviors, whereas in the past I used to shut down or run away (which he also held against me and blamed me for our issues). It doesn’t matter if I do come in with a sound and logical approach, it’s always brought down by his outbursts.

I want out. I want to be free. I do want to love this man anymore. I don’t want to be weak enough to go back anymore. I want a happy, healthy relationship with someone. I know I deserve that, but how the HECK do I move forward?

I’ve been doing therapy, I’ve been focusing on myself. How do I stay strong and stay away?

I meant I do NOT want to love this man anymore

…The more logic I can help make out of so many illogical moments, the easier it is to start moving forward.

…I felt so empowered the first time I left him, but each time we go back, it chips away at that empowerment. The last time I left, I was out for months and was on top of life and recently caved again.

…there have been positives and good things that keep people in situations like this coming back for more, making excuses for the abuse because there are good things and you minimize the abuse in your mind, because after all- there’s all this other, “good stuff”.

I’m lucky and feel blessed to have friends who haven’t left my side.

…pretty hard to detach and move forward when that person is in front of you, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I had a great job at an amazing company, but it made it impossible to fully move forward, so in December, I left.

…I know this road isn’t going to be an easy one and I also realize there’s some deeper digging I need to do

…I was abused by a family member when I was a little girl. It’s something I spent years and years working on and getting past. I actually had gotten to a really good place with it and thought the baggage was behind me…

…you’re so hooked and in love with the person you THINK they are. Then you get stuck on this IDEA of who they are and who they “could” be and if only they could be that way you hope they would be, the relationship could be wonderful.

August 2014: “(to a reply)…You will have days where you feel so strong and so yourself, and you will have days where you MISS THE LIFE out of them. But, you have to remember that what you’re missing, isn’t healthy and if you want a healthy, happy life, then that person doesn’t belong in it.

…The final straw came when he wanted to seek counseling together. I decided that perhaps seeing someone together might either help… My ex was even emotionally abusive to me IN THERAPY…She (therapist) looked me right in the eye and said, ‘He is verbally abusive to you. Right here in front of me. If he ever wants to change, it’s going to be a very long road for him, and before that even happens, he has to want to, and he doesn’t appear to be there.’ After a few years of dealing with this man, of writing a blog post, seeking personal therapy, talking to friends and family, reading books— that’s what did it for me. The validation of someone who watched it happen before her very own eyes.

…as soon as I felt truly moved on from wanting this man in my life, literally, like clockwork, the most amazing man has entered my life…He openly shares his struggles and his flaws and allows me to share mine safely… He’s consistent, every single day in his behavior.

April 2016: “I can’t help but want to share what ended up working for me in getting out of my toxic relationship. The final straw for me came when we both went to a therapist together, and he became verbally abusive IN therapy.

…After I finally left the relationship, I spent time working on healing myself. I continued to see a therapist on my own. I read more books than I can recall. I nourished my friendships and my relationship with my family…I wrote positive words of affirmations… I made a vision board of what I really wanted in a partner and I got REALLY specific about it…

I am happy to say that I’ve spent almost two years now in a happy, healthy relationship with a man.. He treats me with respect. He communicated effectively.

…-CUT OFF ALL CONTACT and DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT respond or reach out anymore. The only person you hurt is you.
-Read the book, “Attached”…

-Research a therapy called, “EMDR”. It’s a highly intensive therapy designed for victims of trauma…chances are, there’s a lingering trauma you may not have dealt with that lead you down the path of being in a relationship like this…”

April 5, 2016 at 12:24 pm #100943

Anonymous
Guest

Dear tinywandrelust/ Reader:

There are many things to learn and re-learn from reading the quotes above. Some things that come to mind: an abuser blames the abused for displaying the consequences of the abuse. It is as insane as if a person stabs another with a knife and then blames the victim for bleeding. In child abuse, when the child reacts to the abuse by being anxious and spaced out, for example, the parent will blame the child for being anxious, easily scared, a coward and for being spaced out.

While the parent caused the injuries leading, naturally, automatically to these consequences, symptoms, the parent blames the child victim for naturally and automatically reacting to the abuse.

There are other things, but there is one thing that speaks to me the most today, and this is it:

You knew all along he was abusive, from an early point on. You knew the truth, you felt peaceful and empowered knowing the truth. Then you felt weak and lonely-

and you no longer knew the truth: this is why you went back to him.

You knew and then you didn’t know; then you knew again and didn’t know and so on… until in therapy, your trusted therapist told you what you knew and this time you kept what you knew for a longer time than ever, long enough until you met a decent man.

The reason you needed your therapist to tell you what you already knew is that you didn’t know it.

It is my experience that in childhood, certain truths, certain realities are too distressing to acknowledge, to see As Is. Certain truths are too scary to see as is and live with. So we close our eyes, we not- know what we know. And so we can survive what is too threatening to see.

There is a benefit of this, and it is surviving. And there is a price to pay: our knowing becomes fragile. So in future relationships that are wrong for us, we sometimes know but when we are weak, as we were when children, we go to what was safe then: not knowing.

So we go between knowing and not knowing ….

You repeated the point that there was a trauma before the start of the abusive relationship with this man. I believe it is that trauma or traumas where the not knowing was applied.

It is a process requiring lots of courage and support (and you had the support of a long term therapist and friends), to know and keep a knowing through times of weakness, loneliness and distress.

anita

April 6, 2016 at 2:07 am #101005

Em
Participant

Hi

I’m still talking to him.. saying that we are friends. Sometime texting “I miss you’s” love you’s”

I know it’s unhealthy and soon we will be in the same cycle.

I wonder what’s wrong with me.

April 6, 2016 at 7:25 am #101010

Anonymous
Guest

* Dear renascent: would you like to start your own thread with your challenge? I would like to read more about it and reply there (Click FORUMS, choose CATEGORY – Relationships, I suppose, Click it, go down the page to the title and body of text boxes)
anita

April 6, 2016 at 6:00 pm #101079

Terry
Participant

Anita/tinywandrelust:
Tiny,Thank you for coming back and commenting on how you are doing.
Anita, thank you for reviewing the comments left by tiny.
I see my mirror reflection in what tiny has gone through. Although, I’m at the beginning of my journey to happiness and freedom, I’m still a little stuck in the mud, but everyday is getting better. I’m at almost a week of no contact and he is in the hovering stage. He has left close to thirty voicemails, basically pulling out all the stops to get me to respond.
Unfortunately, for him, I know his cycle. He only wants me to respond because this fuels him. He is not at all sorry for anything he claims to be, he is a sick individual and only wants to beat me down. Even though that sounds horrible for me to say, it actually feels really good to know that I have identified the cycle of his abuse and it just makes me want to stay away more. I will continue to stay no contact forever. He will not even get one single solitary ounce of a response from me. As far as I am concerned I no longer exist to this individual.
Thanks again for sharing, i hate that this has happened to you as well; however, it brings a little peace to my mind knowing that someone else has gone through this and are now very happy. Three words: LIFE GOES ON!

April 6, 2016 at 8:35 pm #101133

Anonymous
Guest

Dear terry216:

Good to read your post and you are welcome.

I can read your anger loud and clear and please do keep it for as long as you need it to protect yourself from him. Protecting yourself is what you are doing having “no contact forever.”

Persist and resist his messages and when he stops messaging you, please do post again. You may need then encouragement to keep the no contact.

Take good care of yourself, terry216!

anita

August 5, 2016 at 11:38 pm #111657

Laura
Participant

Em — NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!! I was in the same place, did the same things, until I stumbled on the term “trauma bonding.” http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html .

August 6, 2016 at 1:23 am #111658

Christian Mills
Participant

Hey, you’re not alone!!! Well as you can see!!! I think a lot of us are or have been in this situation. Our love keeps us an unwilling hostage. I’m going through the empty lonely stage but I think at last I’m free. Maybe like you I just don’t know how I feel now, angry, sad or still in love? All I know is I don’t want to go back anymore!!! Welcome exes anonymous where we try and kick bad relationships!!! It hurts but hey its healthier.

August 25, 2016 at 9:11 am #113251
letgo20
Participant
Hello guys
So I was in a relationship with my ex for a year and a half. We got engaged and we were planning everythng. Well I was planning.After he proposed me, 3 months after he started to change. I started to live with him everyday and to see really who is he. I ended the relationship 3 months ago. It stll hurts. We even planned the babys name and Iam not even pregnant.
I must say my familly, they said that he changed, on the worse. He was angry. He was not talking to me. He said that I was too emitional. Even, I must say when we were dating 6 months, we haid a situation. If I knew then what I know now, I would have left before engagment. He found my screenshoot about my ex-wanna-be boyfriend with his girl. And he was so angry. That night he,I could say sexually harased me. He punnished me at that way.He wanted to make a point that I was his. Even thou he was my first boyfriend that I slept with.
When I think about the thing he would said like: I doubt it that I am your first. you can not love.
I was so suporting to him. I payed for f—ing everything. I even was driving one night and cryed, and he was just talking how I did everything wrong. Everything is my fault. LIke I dont understand him and that I will leave him like everybody else. I am like everybody else, he is alone.
ANd my thing is now, question: How to stop thinking about him? I must say I become addicted to him. He was my everything. I know that he did wrong things to me, but after the break up he says,he have changed. I dont believe him. Everything got so complicated.
How to start my own life without him? I am asking myswlf how is he? what is he doing? I am jeaouls of other females.
I have so much words that are flowing in my head. But my maine question is how to not contact him? How to convict myself that I will and That I am capable to take care of myself by myself?
He contacted me yesterday and today I am in such negative way of thinking. Like I know its bad, really bad but I feel like if he becomes succesfull as an person that I am a failure. Please tell me what to do. Also,I must say I am forever grateful to my familly because they saw it before me, who he was.
Sorry for my text, I know its kinda messy and unclear but I am under such impression of your stories.
**sorry for my english. I am not a native speaker

Thank you for your time to read it
- This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by letgo20.
August 25, 2016 at 10:07 am #113255

Anonymous
Guest

Dear xoxoxo:

When your ex boyfriend told you that you: ” did everything wrong. Everything is my fault. LIke I dont understand him and that I will leave him like everybody else. I am like everybody else, he is alone.”-

Someone in his life, likely a parent, or both parents, did that to him: hurt him deeply, left him, physically or otherwise, left him alone.

He shut himself from the experience of his childhood best he could, but the price he is paying (and has made you pay) is that he thinks other people are his parents. He looks at you and thinks you are his rejecting parent.

He will keep seeing you as that until and if he heals, maybe possible only in the context of competent psychotherapy.

If you were back with him, he will continue to punish you for what other people did to him. When you are jealous about him being with other women, unfortunately for any and every one of those other women, sooner or later, he will punish her too. You are worried that he will be successful without you and you will fail. If you mean material success- he may be successful that way, but his wife will keep suffering for what other people did to him. She will be punished in whatever fancy house she will be living in.

You asked how to not contact him and how to convince yourself that you can take care of yourself: perhaps it will help if you see reality for what it is- that you are way more likely to be okay if you live… unpunished than you are living with ongoing punishment by your husband, a life of good moments punctuated by punishment, again and again.

Your thoughts and feelings…?

anita
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