You are right about what you said. I can very well relate to what you are saying. I was forced to belive that I was the culprit and the problem was with me And I am still told the same by my husband but now I know that I am not at fault and not by any chance I deserve such treatment. I think good of me and feel good about myself and I am not giving him right to make me feel inferior. I hope may be a miracle happens someday and he will get well or may be ready to accept his mental illness and get it treated.
thanks for your supportive comments Anita.

Dear happyendings:

You asked why he is behaving this way. It makes no sense, does it? People that hurt those who try to help them, why? Why do people destroy the very people that love them and can help them? Is that the question? I think they do it because they are ANGRY. Consumed with their anger. Anger is a very powerful emotion. And people are emotional animals. When emotions do not go together with logic and reason, emotion wins almost every time. This is why the world is in such a sad state, why there is so much violence, violence in your marriage, in the streets, between nations… and why there is so much corruption and WASTE of natural resources. Human being are run mostly by emotions. Anger is one such an energy in motion (e-motion) that it demands the MOTION of hurting another. It has a place, when in need to defend ourselves, defend the innocent, but it often turns against the ones not guilty. Maybe your husband (soon to be EX husband, I hope!) is very angry at this mother but he loves her too much to be aware of his anger at her, her being dead and otherwise because of how much he needed her, he holds in awareness his need for her, but not his anger at her. He feels comfortable expressing that anger at you, because you are not his mother, and definitely not his dead mother. This is one possible explanation. She hurt him, his mother hurt him directly or by not protecting him, but he needed her too much to be aware he was angry at her.

Now, your awareness is the question when you make your own choices. It makes SENSE, it is LOGICAL for you to divorce him and to not try to please him in any way, shape or form. But you are an emotional animal too, like he is, like every person is. If you get back together with him, it will not be because it is logical but because you will have an emotional motivation, such as to try yet again to fix him, that draw to fix him, to MAKE him love you right, because you will feel too much distress yourself being without someone to fix. Another possible scenario and explanation.

I hope you do what makes sense. Pay attention to your emotional motivations, have insight into your past and what runs you, what motivates you. So that your life will make better sense than his life.

Post any time, and please do get away from him. In the strange way life is, it will be better for him as well.

anita

Hi everyone, reading everyone’s situations has helped me realize that, even though it’s hard to leave that type of relationship, I did the right thing.
We were together for 3 years and the moment we got together I knew it wasn’t gonna be an easy relationship. I’ve always had self esteem issues(later in life I realize that an absent father has had something to do with that) and with him I never felt like I did anything right. I didn’t realize I was in emotional and verbal abusive relationship until we broke up. He said he loved me and wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me, but continuously talked to me like I was a piece of trash or everything I did was wrong.

When I left him, it was the hardest thing and for months he pushed and pushed and pushed for me to come back. Saying he had changed and he finally understood why we broke up and he never wanted to do that again. I believe he finally got it(more people started coming forward and telling him how he was) but by then it was too late for me. I still miss him and will always love him and that’s what scares me. I’m afraid ill go back. He had asked me not to contact him anymore, because being friends was too hard for him and he needed to move on. But a few weeks ago he texted me. He said he had been seeing a shrink and they had suggested he contact me, so that we could both find closure and move on. Is this true? I dont know. It feels like a way for him to get in my head, yet again. And Congrats, it worked. Cause i havent been able to stop thinking about him. Wondering, did i do the right thing? If he’s really changed, wouldn’t things be better or work out between us?

I know my situation might not be as bad as some, but I’m trying to move on and I recently met someone who is amazing and I really don’t want to mess this up.

Would anyone have any suggestions or advice? Am i doing the right thing?

Thank you

Hi Anita,

We spoke by text and he wished me well. As did I. I just found it strange that the shrink would suggest he contact me but it could be true. He said he was seeing a shrink to deal with his anger issues and because letting go of me has been difficult.
I wish him the best and want nothing but good things for him. I think seeing each other would be too difficult, for both of us.
I had mentioned that maybe one day we could be friends, but he said that if we can’t be together it’ll be too hard. And I respect his decision.

I posted a long time ago. Would you believe it I suffered on in that relationship! I allowed him to convince me to take him back and it was my fault! Not once. Three more times! Amazing.
I won’t bore anyone with the details. But there was plenty more dishing out of verbal abuse, slacking, dragging his feet, letting me run around looking after everything…and no emotional support or caring.
Told me to stop with my ‘fucking crying’ when I was in hospital after giving birth to his child and had a bad womb infection.
And yet, I stayed.
What??

We are done now.
Needless to say, he is not paying proper child maintenance and is playing the victim.
But I see clearly now.

Reading my old posts made me cry…because I went back for more even though I had the knowledge I needed to run away fast.

Not so simple when you have a child.
Now I am having to fight to protect my son from his terrible influence 🙁

This post has helped me tremendously! I literally just took the ‘trip’ to end an emotionally abusive relationship! We were together three years. The abuse didn’t start until after our first year together.
During the first year there was little signs of disrespect like, flirting with other girls, his picture showing up on some other woman’s Instagram with the line of ‘would you still fuck me’, not showing up for my birthday, or for dates with me and my daughter. When I would tell him about these things he would lash out and say they all were not big deals. I would get so upset that I would simply ignore him for days trying to convince myself that he was not the one for me. But then in weak moments he would wiggle his charming ways back in and I would find myself in the cycle yet again.
One night a friend, whom I had relations with a year prior to my current relationship had called out of the blue, while Mr. ex was there and because my old friend called, my home was destroyed. He broke so many of my belongings and then justified it with, a guy you used to have relations with was calling you!
As the years continued everytime we hung out with each other, I was always reminded about how ‘lame’ how much ‘my life was a mess’, ‘you are a joke’, ‘you’re too insecure’, ‘you are a liar’ ‘you are a cheating whore’, ‘you are the reason none of your relationships work’, ‘I wish you would die’, ‘you don’t deserve a prince’, ‘you don’t deserve christmas’ and so on.
My last encounter with him was horrible. He accused me of talking to other guys because I keep a password on my phone. He then demanded that I open it and show him. So I did because i have nothing to hide. He literally went into a rage over messages from friends that were innocent. He dumped beer on me and threw the can at me and then continued to take my bedroom door off the hinges. I told him to leave and he wouldn’t. So I kept my mouth shut so he wouldn’t flip out anymore. As I laid there that night crying he told me to go sleep on the couch if I was going to be that pathetic. He kicked me out of my own bed. Like I was a dog.
After that incident I would not answer his calls or texts. Until yesterday, I told him to leave me alone. I told him i didn’t want to be around him because he scares me. He then blamed all his actions on me!
I’m ready to move on and find that happiness within myself; however, I just can’t seem to get over the pain and hurt. I also cannot get over the fact that someone that can be so abusive and monster like will in one breath say ‘I love you’, but then deny their actions of abuse! Will I ever be ok with not getting a true apology or acknowledgement from this man?

Anita, my daughter is ok. She actually has not been around him in over a year and a half. He actually stopped coming around on the weekends that she is in my home.
He may feel that it is ok for him to ‘de stress’ in the way described above; however, it does not make it right. It’s scary and it hurts.

Anita, he actually left a voice mail last night, stating that he was sorry.
At one point while listening to the message that false hope crept back in. However, I know if I let him back into my life, it will be the same continued cycle of abuse.
I’m staying strong and healing my heart, so that one day I can invite a healthy relationship into my heart.
I do feel sad and hurt about the end of this chapter in my life. It would seem to be less painful to walk back into the arms of my abuser; however, once you are back to the cycle, you realize how much it hurts and just how badly you want to get out.
With every passing day away from him, is another boost to my self esteem and self confidence. I don’t want to take four giant leaps forward, to turn around and take ten large steps back anymore.