Pardon my language in this post!
I have just ended a relationship with the father of my unborn child because of emotional abuse, and I am feeling extraordinarily confused.

I am interested to read these stories and see that many people struggle with this same issue. I find it difficult to label my partner a ‘narcissist’ or a ‘manipulator’ and at my lowest have found myself wondering ‘am I the toxic one?’ ‘am I the manipulator?’ And also through the haze I can see how in so many ways, I constructed this situation by myself – I allowed it to happen, I almost gave him the map for free – ‘here is how to take me for a ride’. I revealed all to him, and far too soon, and now I feel trapped (although I know I”m not, I will always be bonded to him through our baby).

I find myself in a very painful situation with someone who claims to be ‘awakened’ and is very interested in the path of enlightenment and non-duality. However, I have seen over time that his words and actions do not match, and I hate to say it but I believe he uses these discourses as a cop-out to avoid any sort of commitment or true intimacy. I think to some degree I have been sucked in by this individual, believing them to be honourable and just, but have learned over the course of the relationship (and denied to myself) that in fact, it is a hollow mask concealing someone who is hurt and angry at the world. I am also guilty of pretending, because I did not leave when I began to think these things about him. Instead, I found myself berating myself for my ‘judgements’ and trying to practice compassion and so excusing the inexcusable, so much as to start believing it was my fault and that I deserved this. Apologising when he swore at me and attacked my character. At worse, I have succumbed to shouting and being insecure, questioning him and second-guessing him and not trusting him, and pretending outwardly that things are otherwise. The more unsure I felt about him, the more I tried to convince myself and him that this was ‘forever’…that we were meant to me. When I should have been saying ‘we need to be apart’ I found myself saying ‘lets get married’. Totally insane.

I am in the second trimester of my pregnancy with his child.

We recently went on a holiday that I paid for as a gift to both of us (a babymoon) and he behaved appallingly. His priority was drinking beer. Knowing that I couldn’t drink and wanted to join him because I like a glass of wine in the evening, he pressured me to drink. He then berated me for feeling guilty because I had a glass. I got upset in a bar and said I was tired and wanted to go home, and he laughed in my face and rolled his eyes at me. Later he got completely drunk and accused me of having something with some guy who ‘looked’ at me in the bar. He later got up in the night and urinated all over the room thinking he was in the toilet. I cleaned it up because he told me to fuck off and went to sleep in the other room when I tried to get him to help me. He apparently was asleep and had no memory this the next day. His response was to laugh at me. He thought this was funny. I saw some funny side to it, but I was hurt and frustrated. He later gave mixed messages about fidelity in the relationship and when I wanted to discuss it, swore at me, stormed out of the room and would not discuss it with me. He failed to comfort me when it made me cry. I took space from him the next week and felt better.

It has ended this weekend because I had a mini-meltdown (Pregnant, exhaustion, very stressful day at work and an unfinished project hanging over me for a very long time). Initially he was sort of comforting telling me I was being too hard on myself, but it soon turned cold and nasty, with him swearing at me and turning his back and telling me I am ‘too F**ing needy’, and there is nothing that puts him off more than needy. To stop feeling sorry for myself. I was obviously hurt, and eventually he made it clear he wanted to me to go away, telling me to f** off, and he just wanted peace and quiet. I slept in the other room. I asked him where he was that evening and he got very cagey. So I started to pry which was wrong, and he slowly revealed the details of his evening, but reluctantly. I battled urges to check his phone. The next evening was worse again. Tears, and me sleeping in the other room. He said sorry for not handling the situation very well, but that he was tired. I told him I need extra support at the moment because I feel hormonal and upset with myself about my non-finishing. I said I was going to pregnancy yoga, as maybe I need support from other pregnant women and I am asking too much of him. I went in to apology mode as if I had done something wrong to him. That day he text me to ask what I was doing after work. I didn’t get a chance to reply straight away. I had already told him that morning anyway. He then said ‘Yoga. I’ll answer my own questions. Enjoy’. To which I responded ‘yes – and meeting my friend X after work, so I’ll see you at home later tonight’. He did not reply, and I later text him to say I hoped he was enjoying the sun. He responded in a language he knows I do not understand, so I did not reply. When I got home I found him asleep in the other room. I smiled and said hello, and he would not look at me. He seemed to have been drinking. I asked him why he was in the other room and he said ‘because it’s nicer in here’. So I retreated into bed. Fifteen minutes later he came in and asked me repeatedly and aggressively what I was talking to my friend about. I started to answer, but he persisted. Over and over, accusatory ‘what were you talking to her about?’ Then ‘you were probably talking about YOURSELF’. I started to explain myself but then realised he had no right to do this and told him to get out. The next morning he attacked me, calling me crazy and off my rocker. I stayed at my dads. The next evening I unfortunately came home after deciding I was going to tell him this relationship was not working for me but he started his accusations and twisted everything around, and so lost it with him. I said I wanted to end the relationship. He denied his behaviour and tried to blame me, and attacked me as a person verbally. Started ranting about me not telling him where I was (even though I text him the whole time to let him know my plans) Said I had to deal with my issues of abandonment (he is the one who was feeling abandoned). It descended into a shouting match and I showed myself to be just as bad as him, losing my cool and not letting him talk and being a bit incoherent and hysterical. He denied what he did, said that I was crazy, in fear, angry, full of anger, do not love myself, on and on and on it went. That I’m not well. I told him I was sick of being disrespected and wanted him to leave. I went to my dads and haven’t seen him since but I think getting him out of the house is going to be a battle.

I look at this situation from afar and I can see he felt guilty for the way he spoke to me and then felt hurt that I stayed away and visited with friends (even though he told me I was wrecking his head and to fuck off) and was afraid what I was talking about (him, he thought) because he knew he was in the wrong. At so many junctures in this relationship he has shown me I am not important to him. His main concern is himself and what people think of him. At this time in my life, being pregnant with his baby, I had hoped for more love and care but it is absent, or very inconsistent at best. Like he resents having to care about me.

I am now carrying his child and stuck in a situation where I have ended the relationship because I cannot tolerate the disrespect any longer. The trouble is I have done this twice before and taken him back, so I don’t think he believes it is really over. I am scared to see him again. When I told him that I was pregnant, we had just broken up. I gave him the option of not being together. I said we could do this apart if he preferred. He wanted to get back together. I did, and it has been a terrible mistake.

Reading what I have written, I cannot believe I have taken this terrible behaviour from him for so long. I don’t understand why I have accepted this. It was almost like I got brainwashed into this ‘spirituality’ he claims to live by, feeling guilty for not accepting this treatment when I tried to stand up for myself.

Be very very very careful of people who profess to be on a path of spirituality. Just because they are ‘seekers’ does not mean they are awake. Ask yourselves why you have allowed someone to treat you badly. I am still caught in a web in my mind of trying to blame him and focusing on what he has done to me (victimhood). I know this is not helpful, and I am trying my best to stay in the present moment and look at what is.

I still feel like i love him, but I know that I cannot tolerate this treatment. He said I don’t love myself, but I feel like I am starting to a lot more, and leaving him reinforces that because why would someone stay with a person treating them like this?

I hope I have done my child a favour by leaving this person.

Gosh, out of all of the words of encouragement I have received from friends and family, talking to myself and writing everything down, i came across these posts today and every single story has struck a chord with me. This is exactly what i needed to read to snap myself out of it!!
Less than a week ago I moved out of our home – i had been with my boyfriend for 7 years. I have a daughter who is 13 (but she is not his – although he has taken her on as his own since we have been together). I have left him 4 times in the past, where i have moved out – the longest of which lasted 3 months, and it was when he was physically abusive. Since that incident, 3 years ago, he has never lifted a finger to me again but it something that constantly stays in the back of my mind.
When i met him i was the most outgoing bubbly person in the world, confident and happy. I was successful in my career and received many accolades – he was all too happy for me as I was his trophy “wife” – someone he could brag about and show off, but he resented the hours that i worked and after a while i decided that i didn’t want to be working full days, nights, weekends and travel the amount that i did. I had toyed with the idea of starting up my own company and he encouraged me to go ahead with it. I effectively opened my own recruitment company, but it took a 6 months before i was making any profit. In the interim he paid all of the bills and kept the family going.
He also owns a recruitment agency and we basically compete against each other as we handle the same type of recruitment – this may sound like it couldn’t possibly work – but it does – we have different clients and as much as we compete we also help each other – i.e i can use candidates that he doesn’t use and visa versa.
Unfortunately the past two years have been very difficult financially and it has put a lot of strain on our relationship. At the beginning of this year I sold my car as we needed to pay rent which was in arrears and when we discussed it – mine was the older of the cars, his was still under motor plan etc and i had ultimately made the decision to sell mine. We agreed that we could get by with 1 car, as we both work from home and do minimal traveling.
At the beginning of the year he got shingles and then encephalitis and he really was very sick. I basically took over everything, being mom, wife, his business, my business, the day to day running of everything in the household but as when you have too much on your plate things start slipping through the cracks, and i was battling for us to keep our heads above water. He had 3 quad bikes and a normal road bike which he sold. The reason i bring this up as it is one of the things that constantly gets thrown up in my face, his rationale is i sold 3 items of my property to help pay with bills but you only sold your car – by me selling my car i effectively gave up my freedom and my independence. Because i was using his car it was case of me having to say “Please can I use your car” or can i go to so and so – inevitably I would go wherever and pretty much as soon as i arrived he would phone me, saying what time do you think you will be back, leaving me feeling like i had to rush back.
Although he professes not to be jealous or insecure – he very much is, and there is constant projection onto me, always blaming me and my insecurities – that is all i have heard for the last 7 years. Every single fight we have had boils down to him blaming me and my insecurities, i constantly have everything he has done for me thrown up in my face – during the course of our relationship he has bought all of the tangible stuff, furniture etc – I have paid the rental, our maid, bought groceries and paid for the intangible stuff. So as it stands i have walked out with nothing other than my clothes and a few odds and ends, as well as not having a car. I’m 35 and living at home again, literally starting from scratch.
He also drinks a lot, i believe that he is an alcoholic, but the way he justifies it is that he only drinks cider and that he doesn’t start drinking early in the morning – its only evenings – my issue is that the norm is between 8-12 ciders. He goes from being happy to delusional in matter of hours. Between drink 3-5 i can have a conversation with him, after that i never know what i am going to get – he will take something that i say out of context and go off on a tangent or i will be told the same story over and over again. He will flip from “I love you” to “When you get your new boyfriend…” in a matter of seconds. He used to drink every night but after the incident when he hit me and i left he was only drinking every second day and on weekends.(That was his compromise)
Leaving him has been a culmination of factors, his drinking being one of them, sleeping next to someone who constantly reeks of booze, constantly being criticised for everything that i do – if anyone has done something – he has done it better, if you have this – he has something bigger and better. I can put the washing machine on a cycle and no matter what it is, he will walk in and change the setting even though it the exact setting that he used the day before.
Before i left, i tried explaining things to him, he simply take snippets out of what i am saying twists it and won’t actually listen to anything that i am saying – constantly shouting over me.
We used to have really explosive fights in the beginning, but i wasn’t keeping quiet – my Dad then passed away and i realised i couldn’t sweat the small stuff anymore and let a lot of things slide, but i have now become this almost subservient person not saying anything when it upsets me.
My daughter has really always been a gem, she has excelled in school and sport but has recently gone to high school and has started to rebel, like piercing her ear without our knowledge, dating a boy much older than her behind our backs etc – He was away when she pierced her ear and when i found out about it and i had a good chat to her – partly because she needs to realise that she is in the wrong and know that it is not acceptable to do things behind my back but by the same time ensuring that she still comes to me to tell me what is going on, as we were all teenagers at some point and all did silly things like pierce another hole, when he found out he went ballistic – accusing me of taking her behind his back to do it, the more i was trying to say i have handled it the more cross he got. Then he escalated it to sending her a message about her BBM picture saying she “looked like a slut as per usual” – when i looked at the picture there was honestly nothing wrong with it and then because i said there was nothing wrong he had a go at me, saying that we are constantly ganging up on him.
I’ve just got to a point where i feel like I have completely lost myself, i don’t know what i like or dislike anymore.
But i have found that over the past few days I am missing him, i find myself trying to find out what he’s been doing and who he’s been with, constantly checking my phone etc – i know that every time I have left he does make small changes but inevitably it goes back to being the same, so ladies – thank you for making me see that it is an never ending circle and reaffirming that i need to carry on with my life and hopefully one day soon I’ll be able to meet someone who treats me like a lady, has respect for me and my feelings and will treat me as an equal.

Hi tinywanderlust,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply – you actually cannot begin to imagine how thankful i am. When i wrote the post yesterday i thought – what has happened to the people who previously posted – are they ok? Are they back with their ex’s, have the ex’s woken up and realised what they have done or have the ladies moved forward? Enigma and your story was like reading chapters of my own.

A few years ago we also went to therapy and before they guy had even met my ex he said do you really want to carry on with this? After having a joint session where my ex just took over everything the guy said he would like to see me on my own, and behold that was thrown up in my face when i left last week. It was – “do you see YOU have problems – the guy wanted to see you and YOU never went back – YOU have the problems – NOT ME!” I never went to see the guy again as after my ex had his rant in therapy he seemed to calm down and put effort in etc. It was as though he needed to just get off his chest what he needed to – to yet another outsider who was willing to listen.
For a long time though, i’ve thought well maybe it is me – i’ve only really had 3 serious relationships and all 3 have failed – so maybe the common denominator is me??

For me – there were lots of good times and when i miss him – that is all that i can seem to remember – but the bad always outweighed the good and like yours, the 1st time was also only a month into the relationship where i got a glimpse of the person he was.

My problem is that I am hoping that he will just WAKE UP and go – damn this woman has been with me through thick and thin, look at what she does for me, look at what she has sacrificed for me and our family and look at how i have treated her, how i have spoken to her and how I am so sorry that have done it, but the truth is him being a narcissist (which he is) – he is NEVER going to.

My other big problem is that there is still a lot of mine and my daughters stuff at the house, which i need to get and i know that when i go – he is going to have a go at me about how i have abandoned him, thrown away the relationship etc (because of my daughter – as he is telling everyone that will listen that she is the reason this has happened – which is not the case, yes she has added stress to an already fragile relationship and this last incident was the straw that broke the camel’s back – but she is not the cause of it). And possibly my biggest problem is that I have a Husky puppy who i love more than life itself – and he is still with my ex, he has agreed to keep him there until i can get on my feet and find a place – but i will have to have contact with him until then and that is going to be for at least the next few months. (My mom’s townhouse does’t permit animals otherwise i would have had him with me) – the contact is the biggest problem. As i wish i could just delete everything and close the book entirely.
I’ve also just found out that he is going out on Friday night from mutual friends, and i already have a knot in my stomach – knowing that he is going to get completely hammered and more than likely pick up as many woman as possible and enviably take one of them home and i feel shattered about that. A friend of mine asked if i wanted to go out tonight and i declined but i think i need to phone her back and say i’m going to go!

I am so glad that you have found someone new and that he treats you so well tinywanderlust – from your posts you absolutely deserve all the happiness in the world xx

Dear happyendings:

To save your marriage he has to stop drinking. I would separate myself from him, if I was you, move out and live away from him. Then I would meet him when he is sober for dinner in public, always in public or otherwise when OTHER people are around and always when he is sober and talk about how he is being sober every day, how long he has been sober, what he does to stay sober? Visit AA with him and see that indeed he attends AA a few times a week, that he talks to people there, that he has a sponsor. Talk to the sponsor, see that indeed he is involved. See that he works on the 12 steps with his sponsor, that he shares in the meeting. That he is working diligently on his sobriety. Basically meet him at AA, and never alone, never just you and him. Then after six months of his sobriety, when he get his six month chip from AA, then re-evaluate seeing him alone. Not before those six months. And that means no chance of getting pregnant in the next six months. You don’t want to bring an innocent child to be hurt by his violence, do you? I hope you don’t???

anita

Dear happyendings:

AA is Alcoholics Anonymous, started in the U.S., a huge organization to help alcoholics live a sober life.

I am so sorry for your sad, sad life situation. It is very unfortunate.

You must leave him. He is not only an alcoholic or one who drinks a lot and gets drunk but he is also abusive and … well, crazy. You should not live with him. He needs help. Not your help. You need help and to start with, you need to get away from him.

i know there is a lot of judgment in India about such things, about breaking a marriage, but there must be an EXCEPTION for being married to a CRAZY man? His suicidal talk, hanging himself, beating you, telling you to leave… please do tell me that Indian society is okay with a woman NOT being subjected to such abuse… and I do hope Indian society is okay with NOT bringing innocent children into such a marriage-from-hell, to suffer a father like this…?

Please, please do not have a child with him, no matter what.

And please move away from him. Whatever it takes, even moving to another country- whatever it takes, save yourself!

anita

His and my dad both are saying not to stay with him. When he came to know that I called his dad and told him about what happened he warned me of not involving his dad or I ll have to face consequences. I am not planning to have child with him. And my family is very supportive. My parents are letting me stay with them as long as I want. And yes I fortunately I have another house of my own too. But staying there alone can be dangerous if he continues behaving this way.
I am very thankful to you Anita for being help and suggesting me on this issue.