Indecision in life

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This topic has 7 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 2 months ago by Eliana.

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December 19, 2017 at 2:32 pm #182845

Lena
Participant

Hey. This is my first post as well. I’m German, so please excuse any spelling/grammar mistakes.

I am writing this because – once again – I find myself at a crossroads. I have been single for quite some time now (I’m 24 yo) and objectively speaking I guess I’m sort of attractive and lead a somewhat successful life professionally. But my body dismorphia, depression and self-hatred have become practically unbearable in the last few months. I start sobbing whenever I see my reflection and I literally hide from all my friends and family and never speak to anyone. I sit at home on the floor and moan all evening because let’s face it, I’m a psychosomatic creep who’s emotional pain is ALWAYS physical, too. People comment on my fucked up appearance all day and all I think of is why I keep on whining and can’t keep it together for once in my life. But I guess that’s what it is…I have never decided on living (I tried though) or dying (tried that too) indefinitely. Wouldn’t know how to anyways. But I find myself stuck in this whining limbo all the time. I try dating and even if I like the guy I back out right away because I can’t take the affection (and of course can’t face the prospect of potentially having to take my clothes off). But then again I want it so much and do the whole thing again. I desperately want to be sexually active again but my body is a scarred wreck that is aesthetically not fit for that sort of thing. My whole life I wanted to find my soulmate and start a family. But what if I actually do? Then I couldn’t be suicidal anymore. And god knows how much I love spending time with my misery. I want to be more outgoing and active but what if that does give my some sort of happiness? The fall will be steep from there. And I feel like all social interaction is fake…people don’t really care anymore nowadays, do they?

So my life just stays stagnant and miserable. And I am beyond angry and ashamed of that. Because I always wanted to live up to my potential. But I have given up so hard. Like, even if I try to care, there’s just nothing there. I just want to lay in bed, stare at my wall and not move ever again. Maybe it’s the same for you, but I have been at this point so many times before and everything I do will always lead me back to it sooner or later. Sometimes I think that either this will go on until one day I kill myself or – through some sort of miracle – regain my spirit. But all I do is sit and try and wait for that. And I really can’t take myself anymore…

Thanks for listening.

December 19, 2017 at 7:07 pm #182869

VJ
Participant

Dear Lena,

Trying to understand more I just looked up at the web definition of dysmorphia and found that dysmorphia is characterized by the obsessive idea that some aspect of one’s own appearance is severely flawed.

Before telling you anything, would like to understand if there is something really wrong anywhere on your body parts (if yes what?) OR is it an imaginary mental construct?

Warm Regards,

VJ

December 20, 2017 at 4:55 am #182887

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lena:

I would like it if you did regain your spirit! And I believe it is possible for you.

You wrote: “god knows how much I love spending time with my misery”-

no, you don’t. You don’t love or like or enjoy being miserable.

Who told you something like that, that you enjoy being miserable?

anita

December 20, 2017 at 9:23 am #182931

Peter
Participant

but I have been at this point so many times before and everything I do will always lead me back to it sooner or later

I think the words we use matter as well as identifying and becoming conscious of the cognitive distortions laced through out the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. (Cognitive distortions such as all or nothing thinking and projecting into the future, like everything I do will always lead me back…. You don’t know that… but you can create that)

Your post indicates that you know what you want to do and the path you want to travel however become overwhelmed. Perhaps wanting to change everything all at once and having immediate results as well as the cognitive distortions are getting in the way and leaving you overwhelmed?

I believe we create what we fear so should be careful about the story we tell ourselves. I’m not saying just think positive, bla, bla, bla… not that that’s a wrong attitude but that It takes time to get to get there. A step to getting there is to catch yourself telling a story and stop telling it, breath and let them go. You will be tempted to “fill the vacuum” with more stories but with practice you will find you don’t have to. Focus on changing one thing, one thought, one label, one fear… at a time. Be kind to yourself.

The good news about the reality that we create what we fear is that we can also create what we hope for.

January 14, 2018 at 4:51 am #186529

Hana
Participant

Hi Lena,

A book I read recently had a story with a quote that really has been helpful to me:

You don’t have to resist pain.

You don’t have to snuggle up with your pain but you also don’t have to push against it. It is ok to not be ok, and to feel the pain.

I won’t say that everything is easy, I too have felt the feeling that if things are good and happy, that the pain that inevitably is part of life will be much worse. Only recently have I been motivated to actually work to make the positive changes my therapist has wanted me to do for years, and I happened to stumble upon Tiny Buddha at this time and it has been such a blessing. The thing I realized, though of course I’m not always perfect at applying it, is that when one really takes that quote into their heart, it becomes much easier to not be afraid and have faith that if you keep your heart open and move towards what it really wants, rather than what your negative-mind/ego wants, things will be ok somehow.

I have often beat myself up with negative, hurtful words about many of the same things that you speak of and have printed out several of the inspirational images from here on Tiny Buddha and put them on the wall to remind me to be kinder to myself. One that really seems appropriate here is this one:

January 15, 2018 at 11:15 am #186835

Eliana
Participant

Hi Hana,

I just wanted to check in on you, to see how you are doing. Are you feeling any better? Please post again if you would like. We are here for you.

January 15, 2018 at 12:46 pm #186855

Hana
Participant

I think you mean Lena? This is Lena’s thread 🙂 Hope today hasn’t been too difficult for you Lena.

January 15, 2018 at 3:39 pm #186903

Eliana
Participant

Hi Hana,

Yes! Oh my gosh..thank you..I’m so sorry, I had just woken up when I wrote that post. Please forgive me. Lena if you are reading this, the above inquiry was meant for you. I’m so sorry I messed the names up. I was just concerned, and wanted to see how you are feeling. Please post again, if you would like.
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