In relationship with a wonderful person but still incomplete

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This topic has 6 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 2 months ago by Kath.

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January 9, 2015 at 10:29 pm #70965

Subs
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I am 25, I met my current boyfriend of 2 years in a class. We were close friends for a year after which we realized that we had feelings for each other. We have a lot in common, are in the same profession and have the same friend circle. He is extremely affectionate. understanding and cares for me dearly. Everything in life was beautiful and adventurous .. till the moment he proposed!

I am inherently a free- spirited woman who values freedom, affection and support from a part more than anything else. In that process I am more than willing to forego other aspects such as physical appearance, financial stability and cultural background. This is exactly what I did in my relationship with him. I never had any expectations from him apart from the fact that he gives me freedom to be my introverted self and follow my passions with all my heart.

The first issue is that I am an extremely private person by nature. I don’t prefer to flaunt my relationship whereas he is the extreme opposite. He feels proud to show me off to all the people he knows. He is extremely attached to his family an is a homebody,an aspect which I respect very much. Now the issue lies in the fact that in my past interactions with his family, they have always tried to pressure me to do things and make me a social butterfly, that I am not. His family thinks that they are helping me and, my efforts to make them understand my feelings always fall on deaf ears. After two years of knowing each other, I was shocked to realize that after marriage he would like me to be an extrovert after marriage!

We work in different locations and there is less scope for my line of career in his city and vice-versa. Since he has a more stable job than me it makes more sense to give up my job and go for a less desirable one in his city just to avoid the strain of a long-distance marriage.

In a nutshell, I love him very much. But I now I feel that there is all there is to this union. Every other aspect seems to be a challenge! Right from financial stability, getting along with his family and my career. Even my family doesn’t feel that he is the right person for me. Most importantly, I was expected to change myself! He realized that I would not be happy doing that and this in turn would affect him.

Few weeks back, he said that there was no possible solution and that we should part ways. Two days later he called back saying that he wants to make it work and he is willing to give up on his preferences to be with me. After he rejected this possibility earlier, I am apprehensive of this. I have a lot to lose, whereas he has nothing to lose if he does’t follow through. Is it unreasonable of me to expect him to let me be myself? Am I being selfish??

I know that the net result would be a compromise either made by me or him. He says that he is willing to do it. But I don’t want this to put a strain on the relationship in the long run. I just feel both of us have different expectations out of this relationship. I am confused whether to put my fate in his hands!

January 10, 2015 at 3:57 am #70966

Maggie Black
Participant

Bottom line: He cannot “give up” his preferences. They are part of who he is. It’s like saying I prefer coffee to tea but will change that preference and start drinking tea. I might be OK with the tea but I will always long for the coffee. (Not the best analogy but you get the idea.)
You are every man’s dream girl! You are not superficial, you do give support, affection but you don’t expect your partner to be your all in all.
Men find that very freeing.
However, it seems as if he feels you aren’t “really” that way. He seems to thing you aren’t “complete” yet. Like a cake not quite finished. Maybe the icing is missing? He loves you but you aren’t extroverted. He wants that, his family wants that.
Scary stuff. You cannot change your basic make up of who you are. You will probably forever feel as if you aren’t quite “measuring up”, if you continue in this relationship.
He has already noticed the problem and attempted to solve it by saying to you that you both should part ways.
He is telling you all the answers… it is just hard to hear sometimes.
NO! You are not being selfish. Or at least not in a bad way. It isn’t selfish to put your self first when it comes to being true to yourself. That is called self-love. And we need more of that in the world!
You sound like an amazing person. You are young, bright, happy. Allow yourself to experience life and find the one who doesn’t want you to change. The one who will beg you to never change a thing about your amazing self!

January 10, 2015 at 8:19 pm #70999

Becky
Participant

I’ve been married for ten years. I think it’s important to be completely confident in your decision to marry someone. It’s one of the biggest decisions of your life and you need to be able to walk down that aisle knowing one hundred percent that you are making a commitment that you are sure of. its certainly a difficult decision to make, but you can do it!

January 10, 2015 at 9:07 pm #71005

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear Subs,

Both of you are surely wonderful people but do you really think its worth it? Changing your basic nature, affecting your career, being away from loved ones all in the name of being with the guy you feel is “the one”? I understand marriage involves compromise but where are the limits? Who decides these limits? Both of you do but are you actually listening to yourself? I have been with someone for about more than half a decade and i was pretty young (too young), did everything i could until i snapped. When i let him go and decided never to look back, i thought i would never find “the one” again.

Now i am with a wonderful man again for the last 1.5 years. I feel like he’s the one but heck, no matter how much i love him, after years of depression and plain foolishness at times, i have concluded – “I love you but i love me more”

He cant complete you, no one can but does that mean you have to revamp your life to complete the relationship? Think about it. All the best dear.

– Moon

January 11, 2015 at 8:27 am #71022

Wiseowl
Participant

No-one can complete you except yourself.
On the other hand, reading your post i have a feeling that you have many doubts about entering this marriage and those do not sound healthy. A life partner must be our best friend, soulmate and lover, someone whom we can imagine living with in the future, having a family with, perhaps. It may be the timing, it may be the person, but whatever it is, I think you have to listen to your doubts, and be courageous.
There are many, many fish in the sea and maybe this is not “the one”.
Good luck and be strong!

January 12, 2015 at 7:29 pm #71187

Sarah
Participant

From my own experience (I’m 27, divorced at 25), I wouldn’t marry someone (again) if I had any reservations about the relationship or had to make massive sacrifices of myself to be with them. It drained me of so much, emotionally, mentally, physically, financially to always be the one to compromise for someone else’s career/dreams etc. I should have listened to my gut when I had reservations about getting married in the first place, but I guess that’s hindsight for you!

I have been a bit of a similar situation recently with my current relationship- long story short, I moved back to my home state for 8 months to get my head into order and figure out what I wanted from life/my relationship before deciding whether or not to move back to be with him – away from family/friends/my home. I did choose to come back, and am still feeling out the situation, but had to be okay with all aspects of the potential situation (including if we break up – what will I do with myself in a city/state on my own etc.) before I could do it. Our relationship is fortunately stronger than ever (it’s had its bumps though) but the compromise so far seems to be paying off. It was a long process to get to this point though and a lot of communication was needed, and I didn’t want to ‘lose myself’ and what I hold as important, in the process.

I guess I’m just saying – you’re young, you are unsure, don’t rush into something you’re not ready for or certain of. There is no rush, nor should you give up what you hold important to yourself, for someone else. (I think it is impressive that you have a strong sense of self and what you value in yourself and others :)).

Good luck in your decisions.

January 13, 2015 at 8:58 am #71214

Kath
Participant

I can imagine that the decision is very hard. The thing is: If you are not completely excited to move to his city, and 100% willing to take the risk, than it’s probably not a good idea. I don’t know if there is any other way to give this relationship a chance (or if that is a good idea either), but the moving part sets you up for massive regrets if you don’t feel strong enough to face the challenge…

I made a lot of compromises for my relationships, and moving away from family and friends was one that I would not make again.

And: You cannot put your life/love/whatever into his hands! You are responsible for your actions and decisions, and have to take your own risks. He cannot promise you that it will work out…

You are ok and lovable just the way you are, with all your fears and worries! Don’t override them! <3
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