When I first separated from my wife (about a year ago) I read a book called Forgive For Love by Fred Luskin. He talked about something called the Unenforceable Rule and it really struck home for me. Basically the Unenforceable Rule is that you can want somebody to do something, but you set yourself up because you get angry or upset or whatever when they don’t do what you want. In your case, you have created a “rule” (wanting him to change certain things in his life) that he doesn’t want to do for whatever reason. And now, you are upset because you can’t enforce a rule when he really doesn’t want to do it. So you beat yourself up and get upset because he isn’t doing something that you have no true control over.

At the end of the day, you may need to make a decision- is his refusal to make those changes enough to derail the relationship or is it something you can learn to live with? Chances are really strong that he won’t make any serious changes until he truly wants to do it for himself and not just to please you or make you happy.

Thinking about the Unenforceable Rules made me come to terms with the idea that I couldn’t make her change what she does or thinks. All I could change was whether I got frustrated with her lack of changing or not.

I hope that makes sense. Luskin describes it far better than I can. Good luck to you.

V, Rowena, Jeff,

30 year marriage. Been out of the house almost 3 years, waiting on final Divorce decree.

My experience is so similar to what you have described.

Losing my best friend. I signed on the dotted line with the whole ‘death do us part.’

Rediscovering my spiritual practice and returning to my authentic self. Finding a supportive group of people. Avoiding the blame game.

But there has been a death. The marriage, the relationship, the promise of happily ever after has died. Feelings of failure, grief, fear, anger, hurt, betrayal are all in the mixing bowl. I have like you embraced these emotions and found new strength and clarity.

The old shoe. Familiar, but not necessarily comfortable. Confusing.

What I have discovered in these three years of intensive work is my dysfunction, my addiction to certain roles and behaviors. Her dysfunctions and addictive patterns were perfectly dovetailed to fit with mine.

In that way we were perfect for each other. There was and still is a lot of love there. Always will be. The old shoe was too tight. Familiar, but when I took it off, realized the relationship was over there was an emotion that surfaced beyond the suffering.

Relief.

As I grew outside of the relationship, I finally decided that I was no longer willing to go back. Decidere Latin to prune, cut away. Yes I love her. Yes I miss her. Those are authentic parts of me too. But at the core I knew. Deciding not to continue didn’t make the hurt go away, but my direction became clearer.

I have moved beyond the single bullet theory of relationships. I am willing to risk that vulnerability in another relationship. My prayer is that I have the wisdom to chose a partner that I can grow with. I also have discovered that just because I fall in love with someone doesn’t mean I have to marry them.

My hope is that by sharing some of my journey you will find continued strength in yours. These are common threads in our humanity and it is reassuring to know that I am not alone.

Namaste,
Jerry

V,

Yes, what a wonderful place this is to share and be strengthened. You have found your path and you are so right about not having to ‘figure it out’. Sometimes the mind plays tricks and gets in the way.

Peace,
Jerry