In January, my 7 year relationship came to an end. I was gutsonthefloor-heartbroken. This devastating experience led me to find spiritual practice again. I joined a women’s spritual circle, I have been meditating daily, reading every book that falls in my lap and writing my little heart out. I have been diligent in finding a new way to live life more peacefully, with less fear and less doubt.

While the experience was so painful, I feel that it led me back to the place where I feel most comfortable and most at peace and I find myself grateful for the pain. I feel as though my authentic-self is resurfacing. I truly feel that there was a devine force in my life leading me to each of these tools and encounters. Spiritual practice has been a large part of my life in one way or another but only in waves, fits and starts… regrettfully, the pattern shows that I have shied away, in most instances, when I was beginning to feel my best and be the most connected with my intuition and inner guide.

I am at that place again and I am full of fear. I don’t want to lose this inner-peace I have found again, I don’t want to give up on it… ever again. I feel connected and I feel so at peace in so many areas of my life but one. The 7 year relationship has resurfaced. Originally, I thought this was amazing. A second chance with him. A chance to “do it right”. A chance to let go of all of the past resentments and hurt and start new. While I had my doubts, I convinced myself that there was no “right” or “wrong” that this was my choice, to try again and let the cards fall where they may…

I felt very confident that my practices and changes would help the relationship be more fulfilling because I would concentrate more on myself and the focus would be less on his faults and the pressure would be off allowing him to work on himself too. This was, of course, at the word he had given saying he knew he needed to change certain things in his life to feel better about himself as well. I believed him, I empathized with him, I trusted that he was ready. We both admitted that a lot of our struggles had stemmed from personal insecurities we both posessed. He promised me he would work on the things he knew weren’t serving himself or our relationship and I thought that in supporting this, I was choosing Love over Fear.

Some time has passed now and many of his old habits are still a problem. While I’m not fully engaged in his life (we are no longer living together) I can see how his own inaction is affecting his moods, behavior and how he sees our relationship. I feel that without those things truly changing and the lack of effort that has been revealing itself I know that there is no way I can move back in with him or have total confidence about the relationship. I keep waiting and I feel the resentment building, I keep asking Why? Why did he promise me these things with what seems like no intention of fulfilling.

Regardless of the pain and insecurity, there is no denying a deep connection and love for one another. I felt that in relinquishing some of the control that I felt I always needed and allowing him to work on himself while I worked on myself that the universe was guiding us to get to the relationship we always promised each other.

I am so scared that I am giving up on true love and that maybe there is a way to get over this mountain of a hump and there is a true partnership on the other side. That is what I really want… not only love but a true partnership. I keep praying for guidance and I am receiving — while there is a huge part of me that wants that statement up there to be right — that we’ll get over the hump, everything else is telling me it’s wrong, that I need to let go to truly live my life in the way I am meant to. There is a part of me that keeps telling me to be patient and to work harder on not letting his actions affect me. But it keeps coming back to me knowing that there must be an easier way than this. He himself has said the words that my needs are not unreasonable and I deserve better, but yet I cannot let go. I cannot find the words inside of me to agree with him and walk out the door, for a second time.

He says he loves and accepts me for who I am yet he is constantly hurt when I tell him his actions don’t match up to the words. The love between us is there, though and that’s what keeps tripping me up. I keep thinking that if I change my thinking that he won’t have to change, that I should just accept him for who he is and allow myself to be loved by him, because i know that feels so good… however i know that feeling only shuts off the lack, disappointment and hurt that I feel in other areas of the relationship. I know that just focusing on the love part hurts both of us and creates a lie that I believe my ego feeds off of.

I know i’m supposed to learn from this, but he is my family — it feels unnatural and wrong for me to just think of him as a “lesson” or to not give him the time he needs to change the things he says he wants to change. The signs are everywhere. My sanity and true joy should not depend on someone else changing even when they promise me that they will — I know deep inside that I am not receiving what I want out of this relationship and that my continuing to rely on empty words is only hurting me. I can see very clearly how all of these questions and confusion with him truly move me in the wrong direction from my practice and peace.

I am begging for a way to accept this and move on and to be able to properly communicate this to my partner of nearly a decade without any more pain and confusion then we’ve already experienced. I am opening myself up to the guidance but I hope for something more, I see the signs, now I need the strength.