Please bear with me for the long post, but I would really appreciate some guidance on a current situation I’m having a hard time dealing with.
After years of constant self-destructive behavior, my older sister got kicked out of college this semester. Between her and I, she was always the favored daughter; my parents had high expectations and hopes of her, and no one had imagined she would ever choose this path.
Both my parents grew up in a developing country with little to no parental guidance and both did not receive a college education. They have been working since they were young, and have since then worked hard to provide for our family.
In hopes of a brighter future for our family, my dad left us to go to America when I was merely one and a half years old, and my mom followed him when I was two and a half years old.
In the meantime, my sister and I stayed with my grandmother from my mother’s side along with two maids. Looking back on my childhood is always an unpleasant trip down memory lane for me. While under my grandmother’s care, I was raised as a sheltered child, received physical abuse from a former maid, and my sister received physical and verbal abuse from our grandmother and former maids.
Four and a half years later, my sister and I joined my parents in America. Growing up in America, my parents were constantly working and there was no parental figure in the house whatsoever. My parents sheltered my sister and I, constantly limiting our experiences and opportunities to grow. They were both physically and verbally abusive towards us, and were mentally and emotionally incompetent parents. Growing up with my parents always made me feel as if I was a burden in their life. The only one I had was my sister, and I constantly turned to her for guidance, only to be disappointed each time. Not only were our parents abusive towards her, she was also getting bullied in school. As a result, she used me as an outlet to let out her anger and frustration by physically and verbally abusing me. I grew up confused and lonely.
Fast forward to the part where my sister and I are at the stage of young adulthood, we’ve grown up to be functioning members of society with self-destructive behaviors. I started smoking and drinking when I was seventeen, and I quickly grew a substance abuse problem. After a year of incessantly abusing substances, I became lost, depressed, and suicidal. I wasn’t going anywhere in life; I felt stuck and exhausted. After lots of isolation and reflection, I decided I had to quit and help myself. Soon enough, I found passions and reasons to live again. I’m now happily and currently in university working towards a bachelor’s degree in mechanical engineering and have loved ones I can count on.
My sister decided to go a different route in her life. She started using mind altering substances when she was nineteen, and has just been spiraling down since then. Much of her ambition has gone, and her life is consumed by alcohol, drugs, and drama. For the past two and a half years, I’ve watched her addiction ruin what little foundation we had in our family.
My emotionally unstable mother doesn’t know how to handle the situation and I always end up spending hours consoling her, yet she never recognizes my efforts and my needs or feelings are never acknowledged. For the past year and a half I’ve been acting as a mediator between my mom and sister.
My dad is fully aware of the situation but has never tried to intervene and has overall been emotionally absent throughout our adversities.
I recently confronted my sister about her college suspension and she told me she was depressed and suicidal. It was then that I realized she needed guidance now more than ever. I’ve been trying my best to just be there for her and give her guidance, but I’m having a hard time giving her guidance without acting like a parental figure. I know in the end nothing I do will change her self-destructive behaviors if she doesn’t want to help herself, but I can’t help but to feel worried and I am overwhelmed. I am even more anxious for the day that she tells our parents. I haven’t been able to stop worrying for the past week, and I find myself losing sleep and a little bit of my sanity over this.
Any advice or words of wisdom to help me stop worrying about this? Other than spending time with her and offering her my support and love, is there anything else I can do to try to offer her guidance during this time?