Hi, Missyrap. I write long posts too. I kept reading even though I have very little experience with healthy relationships. But I have LOTS of experience with bad, flaky ones, and I know what I’m about to tell you will bounce right off, but I’m going to say it anyway.

Get him out of your life. Based on what you wrote, he is not ready for you, or anyone. He’s dating around and coming onto his best friend, dumping her for an ex (someone he already knows isn’t right for him), inviting you out and then ignoring you. Even if he does have feelings for you there’s no excuse for that kind of behavior. None. I can tell you my war stories, but right now, I just want so badly for you to walk away because I never did and it would have done me a world of good if I had. You already seem to know how painful it is to be taken for granted, how much you give him and how little you get in return. It isn’t supposed to be that way, even if you connect, even if he’s your “life line.” If you continue making space for him when he doesn’t reciprocate, it will just hurt and keep hurting. By all means, tell him how you feel, if he doesn’t already know. But after that, don’t accept less than you deserve from him.

You deserve his kindness and attention. You deserve to not have to play games, go on revenge dates, or “try not to seem clingy.” If you really think you have codependency problems, talk to a specialist. But don’t censor or shrink who you really are, because even if your tactics somehow worked, you would not be able to sustain them and the truth would come out.

You know you need to get over him, but I promise the only way to do that properly is to tell him what you want and then cut him off unless he decides he wants to give it to you. Not in a mean or demanding way: just say whatever’s on your heart and if he can’t give that back, then part ways. Stop rooming with his best friend. I know it can be bad without friends who really get you and if you can keep any friends from that group, then please do. But I think you have to make a choice between having those specific friends and having your heart broken repeatedly or trying to find new ones and only breaking it the once. And the truth? Either one is fine. See it through to the end, if that’s what you want to do. It doesn’t make you a bad or weak person if you can’t let go. But I really, really wish I hadn’t spent time with people, people I really liked or even loved, but who weren’t ever going to treat me the way I deserved.

Sorry! I went out of town for a week, just saw your reply.

Working with him is a very difficult position to be in and I wish I had better answers. My advice would be to manage it like you would manage an illness: figure out when and in what context you’re going to have to interact with him and prepare yourself. Are you going to be giving him performance reviews? Observing his class? Figure out when and where you’ll have to be around him and steel yourself as best you can. My context behind this advice: my ex is still friends with my close friends. Whenever I had to see him at parties, I had to prepare myself. I imagined seeing him and how I would react, figuring out ways to be neutral, limiting our conversation to the extremely superficial. It did not always go according to plan by any means, and it’s totally unfair that your emotional life is bound up in your job in this way, but you can manage it, either by winging it, prepping for it, or finding another job. You got this.

I wouldn’t worry about being unable to share the information. If you can’t, you can’t. I find most people have a breaking point. If it has to come out, it will, in one way or the other. The only reason I suggested telling him yourself is because it feels so much better when you have control over how he finds out. You may find he already knows and uncomfortable events are very rarely as bad as the anticipation of them.

And one more unsolicited thing that you might already be doing: definitely focus on other areas of your life. I don’t know about you, but when I’m in the midst of an emotional hurricane, the good things in my life seems to diminish and I spend less time there and more time wallowing. I don’t know if you’re this type of person, and I really don’t want you to think that this is something I “picked up on” from your writing. I didn’t. It just happens to me and I wanted to mention it, just in case. Spend as much time as you can on things that are not even remotely about him or your job. If you need to and if you can. It helps.

Best wishes, Missyrap. I don’t know much, but I know stuff comes to an end and new stuff starts. Look to the horizon, and when the storm passes, make you sure you go for a nice dip in the water.