Dear julia888:
i don’t know if Anyone is following this- I thought I will reply to your comment, being interested in examining this further, hoping you and/ or any reader may be interested in doing so.

I agree with your thinking and feeling about this topic, julia888. And I want to ask you: let’s say Anyone has suffered greatly having been abused by someone, maybe a parent, maybe her abuse was ignored by her whole family. Maybe she observed that they did not suffer while she suffered- that her abuser felt better after avbusing her. I am guessing here- maybe she continued to have relationships as an adult where wrong was done to her here and there and maybe she even tried to do “the right thing” and was mistreated or ignored anyway. Maybe her experience was that bad people do not get what is coming to them and doing the right thing does not bring you good results and she eventually figured: what the heck? What is the point?

IF that was the case, if that was her input- how would you respond to her then? What will you write?
anita

Dear Anyone:

Thank you for the quick reply! I intend to re-read it and your previous posts repeatedly in the next day or a few days because I think there is a lot for me to learn and I want to learn more and more on second, third, etc. reading. Maybe others can learn too and maybe you can learn more as well, from re-examining the before-during and after the affair. This is exciting for me!

So this is only my first response to the above. I re-read some of previous postings again. It seems to me that a big draw, attraction to the idea of the affair with this guy was your belief that he was respectful to you, honest, direct and straightforward with you, “no mind games” you wrote, no manipulations. That was your expectation. This is a big factor here, a huge factor in the draw to him in his situation.

I suppose coming out of your abusive marriage, you felt (and indeed it was so) that your husband then was NOT respectful to you, NOT honest, direct or straightforward; he, your husband then did play mind games with you and he did manipulate you, and he did all those things in the context of the traditionally protected institution of marriage. He was your legal husband and he hurt you terribly.

Coming out of that, you figured: I want something DIFFERENT. And understandably so. Of course you wanted something different, someone respectful of you, honest, etc. You figured, I am supposing, that a man who comes out and say, online, that he is married AND is looking for a relationship outside his marriage must be an honest man, after all he is putting it out there that he is married. He is not hiding it like many others do, he is not pretending to be single. He must be honest then. And you figure, he goes directly for what he wants, all clear and exposed and real, no mind games, no manipulation.

So you assumed he was those things you were looking for: respectful (as respecting you enough to be honest and direct with you), etc.

In addition to his straightforward advertising of his interests, you met him and you got the impression that indeed he was those things.

You wrote in the last post: “Basically, everything opposite of what I had in my marriage.”

* You also expected to not be emotionally invested in the relationship with him, that it would be okay with you, the temporary, no commitment nature of it, as far as not expecting continuity and living together with him, being okay with him staying with his wife and kids.

In the last post above you wrote: “He even said that he won’t be able to come out of his marriage even though it isn’t working. I was badly hurt that day.”

What this means to me is that you felt that day that he was not honest with you. I write this here because I understand that him being honest with you was the thing you most needed.

But why would you be hurt about him saying he will not come out of his marriage when you did not expect him to before and thought it was okay with you, him being and staying married?

I think it is because deep inside you, you detected his dishonesty, you detected that something was wrong in the honesty department. Somehow, you figured he did not honestly love you because if he did he would have wanted out of his marriage so to be with you. Am I correct? I think I am missing something here, in this last point.

This is what I have so far (there will be more). Would love to get your feedback and thank you once again for being willing to share your experience here. I think it takes courage because even if you trust me to not negatively criticize you, you are exposing yourself to some others’ negative criticism.

Feedback… more?

anita

Dear Anyone:

I was thinking and made a note to myself, then I thought I’ll share it with you and ask what you think. I was thinking as a result of writing the above that

As a child all I needed, all you needed, all any child needs is to be seen, noticed, comforted when scared, noticed when sad, have our hand held, our bodies gently hugged… we need eyes looking at us with warmth, approval, acceptance, making us feel, letting us know that we are okay just as we are, just as we feel.

When we don’t get those “little things” we develop a great need, an intense need to be loved, so great, so hungry that we want the “big things” to believe we are loved. We no longer notice the small things, or even look for them.

Suddenly we want a man to make us the center of his world… want a man to change his whole life as PROOF that he loves us, maybe to divorce his wife and leave his kids and make a home for us. That will be the BIG thing, the proof.

But it never will be, because all we ever needed were the “little things”- to be seen, heard, to be listened to, that was EVERYTHING then, when we were children. Those were never little things. They became little only in comparison to how deeply hurt we got from not getting those things.

I sure hope I am making sense to you… let me know if I do. I still think I have more to learn, and maybe you too. Maybe if you learn what you need to learn, maybe you can get what you need…

anita

Dear Anyone:

I understand. I like your question there, not asked of me, I know: “Will I ever get a WORTHY person to share my life?” That is key, worthy. There is something you can do here, on this thread toward your goal, to share your life with someone worthy- here, on this very thread. I mean it. You can, here, share more about yourself, share your deepest self, change figuratively from (your user name)- change from being just Anyone to being Someone, someone worthy, special, lovable. You are those things, tell us more about that Someone…

You may be focused on: I WANT A MAN HERE NOW, and think: what is the point on writing on this tread…? Well, you don’t have a man right now to listen to you but I am here to listen, others too, others who may care and be kind, but I am for sure. So that’s the best you do have right now…So, do tell how you feel, what you think, what you wish…. and what kind of love do you dream you had, what kind of man, what will the love look like, sound like???

anita