First off, I know I need some kind of emotional therapy professionally. A childhood of emotional trauma doesn’t just go away with a few reassuring words from the internet, of that I’m sure. Rather, what I hope to get from this is a direction for me to go, because my mind is pulling me into a million different directions, including inward and I have no idea which way is right.

I have self- destructive thoughts. It’s hard to think straight because I’m always causing some sort of conflict in my HEAD. I have a relatively awesome life, considering my background: I have a wife, a good job, I plan to move to a new place with my wife, get a house, all that stuff. And I am heavily spiritually active; I meditate almost daily (sometimes it slips, but I like to stay mostly on track) and try to connect with nature despite having indoor jobs and etc. I seem to have a pretty good life going for me. I should be a happy dude, yet there is something missing. Or rather, something in the way, I don’t know which.

I constantly bring myself down by over analyzing everything, it’s a damn bother. Like a huge mellow-harsher, it’s ridiculous. Imagine my inner thoughts are a table of friends, laughing and having a good time, debating, learning, creating. Then there’s that one jerk at the table that’s like “You probably shouldn’t get drinks with ice, it could have hepatitis” Like really man? Could you just not? I know he’s just trying to protect me, and he was my most developed part of my mind since I had to mentally defend myself every day through childhood, but your services are no longer needed my friend. Could you please just stop bringing everybody down?

As a result, I feel emotionally fragile. Everything is a crisis. I feel an uncomfortable welling of anger when I barely miss the trash can with a paper ball. When someone tells me how something is done, I strangely handle it very well in the moment, only to use it as ammunition to mentally wage war on myself later. I impulsively feel such anger when things don’t go exactly how I wanted them to, even though my conscious, buddha mind says “It’s all ok. Let go”

My every day life isn’t fascinating. I go to work, I come home and I play video games (Which I want to quit because I know it contributes to this state I’m in). Video games were that place where I could escape reality back then, but now that things are better, I’m still stuck with them. Is this my habit still around? Or am I still trying to escape reality? I don’t even know anymore because I’ve already thought over every possible outcome and possibility and can’t determine which.

So long story short… I am emotionally damaged from childhood, but my life now is nurturing and full of possibilities yet still struggle as if it was not. All the free time for video games could be put into other more meaningful endeavors, like developing talents or skills in hobbies (of which I don’t have). I developed a guard from my emotional issues and now I cannot let that programming out of my mind, because I don’t know how. Please, any words of advice would be super swell. Thank you.