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Improving self esteem weakens your attachments and improves your contentment

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  • October 18, 2016 at 5:14 pm #118453
    Brav3
    Participant

    Hi Guys,

    So, I have been reading alot of posts from alot of people (I tried to answer few) and I thought if I could write something to help and give some relief and hope to those who are struggling and feel despair. The idea is not to find fault in you but to open your eyes to the things that you can change.

    Poor self-esteem is the number one cause for people to start unhealthy relationships, stay in unhealthy relationships and feel fully broken after the end of such unhealthy relationships or continue to get themselves entangled with on-off relationships. These relationships could be with family members, friends or romantic partners. Now, I am not denying that there are other factors like circumstances, bad people etc. are involved to. But if you dig deep inside, you will see that it all comes down to how much you value yourself.

    Unfortunately, alot of people don’t ( I was like that to) value themselves, so they look for external source like friends, romantic partners, work, social media, video games etc. to provide them the feeling of worthiness. Now, the only problem with this external source is that it is unreliable and dissatisfying. With time things change as they always do and we suffer since we have nothing to make ourselves feel valued. So, we search again, we look outside, we go on dating apps, we sit on FB, we continue in on-off relationships, we stay friends with dishonest people, we wait for our ex to reach out, etc. and when we had no luck finding this external source to give us the meaning of our lives , we despair, we believe we are inherently flawed or unworthy, we feel lonely etc etc.

    Now, here’s the point. If we love ourselves, value ourselves of who we are, our neediness loosens its grips on us. We start to measure ourselves with ourselves not with someone else. Our attachments like what people think of us or does he or she likes us etc, starts to become insignificant. We stop finding faults in us and we work things which make us grow and learn about life.

    Since, we value ourselves highly there’s nothing we need to fix or change . That doesn’t mean that we mustn’t grow or learn, but it only means that if we made some mistakes in life we learn from them rather than beating ourselves for doing them. Therefore, we overall feel contentment because there’s nothing to attain or seek externally, even when we are single for a long time, even when we failed, even when we have nothing, even when we are all alone, even when people do not like us, even when all our problems are not solved yet etc.

    If you think for some reason, you are the only undesirable person, please think again. I have been in those shoes and I know what it feels like. And I am saying to you that it is possible to change and have higher self esteem. Higher self esteem is not being arrogant. Higher self esteem is the ability to love ourselves unconditionally with all the mistakes we do and fully accepting all the flaws we have. If you want to raise you self esteem, start disbelieving the voices( externally and internally) that says to you that you are not worthy and start rejoicing in your qualities right now and grow them.

    And stop mistreating yourself and stop letting other mistreat you !!!!!!!

    I think people have started to forget what mistreatment is. Here are some examples for you.

    1. A guy/ girl continues to go on and off in a relationship = Mistreatment
    2. Your friend cheats, lies or being dishonest with you = Mistreatment
    3. Your ex breaksup with you but keeps you in hope that he/she might return = Utter mistreatment
    4. Your Bf says that you should change this or that, or hits on other girls while you were away = Massive mistreatment
    5. Your Gf says that she loves you and wants you to pay the bills or flirt with other guys = Massive mistreatment
    6. He only wants sex = mistreatment if you want more than that
    7. Your family puts you down or controls you = Massive mistreatment
    8. You do not understand his dating behaviour = Mistreatment
    9. You have given everything to your marriage or relationship and your partner says they don’t love you or they walk away = F mistreatment

    Remember, if you have higher worth of yourself you will not hesitate to walk away from these draining people because you know inside that you do not need them, you aren’t afraid of being alone and with time you will find someone who deserves you. Hence, your attachments fully weakens and you walk freely. Think about it.

    Lots of love
    Brav3

    October 18, 2016 at 5:41 pm #118454
    Ashley Potts
    Participant

    I am in love with this post. I am currently struggling with these issues, & am seeking professional help through counseling. I’m currently in a relationship & have been for the last 2 years. We are living together & we are happy. As any relationship, we have our past. In the beginning of our relationship, he wasnt committed to me at all, and was doing things he shouldnt. 1 year and several months later, I still struggle with trusting him. He’s been earning my trust back slowly, but the seed is still planted in the back of my head. I know i wouldnt of put up with it if I had more self esteem, and self worth. Now that i’m seeking help to work through these personal issues i have with myself, im very scared that im going to realize that my boyfriend isnt what i want anymore.

    Ashley

    October 18, 2016 at 6:17 pm #118455
    Brav3
    Participant

    Hi Ashley,

    Trust is the base where any relationship stands on. Hope that answers your question.

    I was in a relationship with someone for 2 and 1/2 years. We lived together. I didn’t value myself at that time and avoided confrontation with her ( there was some manipulations there as well from her) because I had this enormous need to be loved. So she continued her flirting behavior and I continued to drag this unhealthy relationship. Relationship ended with her leaving me. And the little self esteem that I had, plummeted down to nothing.

    When we do not value ourselves, we live in this enormous fear to not upset others because they are providing us that value/worthiness. B

    Coming back to your situation. Can you see what you fear? If you truly love and value yourselves, you know that it doesn’t matter whatever outcome it might be. You will be ok, you will still value yourself and you still will be happy.

    Brav3

    October 18, 2016 at 6:32 pm #118456
    Ashley Potts
    Participant

    I seem to be in the same situation you were in. I have an enormous need to be loved due to a traumatic child hood. Not only do I have an enormous need to be loved, but I also have an enormous need to have someone. At this point in my life, I am not able to be on my own. I dont like being alone with my thoughts. Its almost as if I need someone there to numb my pain. I depend on them for my happiness. So, to answer your question, I guess my fear is being alone. Im only 20 years old, and I realize I have my whole life ahead of me, I guess i just feel as though I should have my life together a little better. I’m worried that I’m going to continue to settle, as long as im not alone.

    Thanks for your reply

    Ashley.

    October 18, 2016 at 8:07 pm #118458
    Brav3
    Participant

    Ashely,

    It is good that you have started to identify some of the underlying issues. Its a start, continue to keep digging.

    Seeking a relationship, just because we are scared of being alone is recipe of disaster. People attract wrong people in their lives because they are afraid to be alone. Staying in a relationship just because it numbs you from pain……..you know that just doesn’t sound right, at all.

    When I recognized this for the first time, 9 months ago, I decided to do something about it. After my last relationship, I decided to stay single until I sort this out.And I also promised myself to seek solitude and do things alone, even if I get involved with someone.

    If you seek ‘loneliness’ you will find its just a feeling that disappears as soon as it presents, beneath this feeling is something extraordinary, something very amazing and delightful, its peace. It will nurture you. To find this peace, you have to gather courage and go against the very grain of your behavior. Its a hard work but its worth it.

    This fear, this low self esteem, this unworthiness, they aren’t the core of you and you can change it. Like I changed from miserable, low self esteem, unhappy in relationship guy to I am a very happy, self reliant, single guy.

    Even though, I had some opportunities to be in a relationship but I decided to not pursue them because I could see clearly these people for who they are and not be carried away by delusions of my mind.

    Now, I am looking to travel and see Scandinavia all alone, seeking for new adventure and uncertainty. You can change this you know, you can.

    Brav3

    October 18, 2016 at 8:21 pm #118459
    Ashley Potts
    Participant

    I hope to someday reach the point where youre at. I understand that its not easy, but you really seem to be making it sound that way lol. How did you do all of this? Did you seek professional help also? Or did you do this all on your own?

    October 18, 2016 at 9:01 pm #118460
    janet
    Participant

    Hello Brav3. Thank you very much for your post. I had come here to start a thread looking for help and after I read what you wrote all the lights went off in my head. I believe I had some of that information floating around in my head but I don’t practice it. I’m glad to read it from someone else’s view and take it to heart. I just left a 4 year relationship that was filled with utter chaos and mistreatment. I am struggling not to look back and try to reconcile or even waste my time to make sense of it because that is just pointless. 4 years with someone is long enough to see their good and bad and realize when the bad outwieghs the good there is no reason to stay anymore. Your post truly confirms this for me.

    October 18, 2016 at 9:52 pm #118467
    Mia
    Participant

    @ashleymarie616 Your situation sounds like the opposite of mine. After a youth filled with one bad relationship after another I found a wonderful guy at the age of 19. Today I’m 31, we are happily married and have a three year old son. Still, I feel that I never quite had the chance (or rather the courage) to figure out who I am without a partner by my side. I think I would have been a lot stronger and more independent if I for a time would have had nobody to rely on but myself. I think I would trust my own choices more.

    October 18, 2016 at 11:03 pm #118470
    Brav3
    Participant

    Ashley,

    Since we were kids, everyday we have been telling us all these delusional stories about ourselves. Every single day, we have been finding faults in us, criticizing us for our mistakes and believing in those stories which makes us feel that we are inherently flawed. Therefore, breaking this pattern will require time and efforts.

    I think I am getting a hang of it but I am to, a work in progress. When my last relationship fell apart, I had no understanding to make sense of what was happening. I knew about eastern philosophy. So, I started looking and came across Buddhist psychology (Books) which was free from all religious trappings. There I learnt about how to deal with difficult emotions and how to look inside ourselves. A lot of questions were answered and my understanding about life started to develop. Put it this way, my break up was my wake up call.

    October 18, 2016 at 11:20 pm #118471
    Brav3
    Participant

    Hi Janet,

    I am glad my post helped you in some way.

    It takes alot of courage to walk away from a 4 years of relationship. So, hats off to you.

    To be honest, I never understood the idea of reconciliation but that’s just me. Broken romantic relationship are like broken glass, you only cut yourself if you try to put them together. Again, that’s what my opinion.

    When people came out from relationship, there is this fear of never finding someone again, loneliness, poor self worth etc. is so prevalent in mind that they either quickly jump into another wrong relationship or try to reconcile. So, look inside and identify underlying issues. Then, work on yourself. If you do that you will find having another relationship will become less significant. You will still feel content with no one in your life. But in long term, there will be alot of opportunities coming out of no where.

    This is called letting it go in action. I am telling you this from my experience.

    Brav3

    October 18, 2016 at 11:29 pm #118472
    Brav3
    Participant

    Adding to my OP, here’s another concept I want to share.

    You and only you can value or give worth to yourself. Actions of other people are not the measurement of your worth. So, think deeply and ask yourself are you worthy? If you hear your inner voice says ‘no’ then time to work on yourself. Because for me, you are and have always been worthy.

    October 19, 2016 at 12:20 am #118473
    Jay-me
    Participant

    I am happy to join this forum, I am constantly unhappy, I grew up with both loving parents. I was the only child until I was 14. I had a little sister. My family is small and have its ups and downs, but we are a very connected family, always there for each other. When I was about 8 years I was staying with my mother s aunt, and her son used to want to have sex with me, at that time I was just having sex with him, nd not realising it was wrong. But now that I am old I realise it was wrong and no one knows about it. I am not sure if this factor contributes to emotional problems I am encountering at my present life, and if it is, how do I move on from it.

    My problem is in relationships, from my first boyfriend I was always clingy, i was always the one initiating the relationship with all people I dated, I was the one who had to work hard for the relationship to out. I was rejecting those that wanted me and only went for those that I wanted nd that treated me bad. I tried to date a guy that wanted me and loved me, but I hurt them by later rejecting them when I see another guy that I liked, nd only to find later that the one I liked does not like me and will only have sex with me and mistreat me. In 2013 I was dating a nice guy that loved me very much, but at some point I did not like him, later on I saw this guy who s now the father of my son, I initiated a relationship with him and my life started revolving around him,my happiness and everything was about him. I became pregnant and after a year he dumped me with no explanation and went back to his ex that he said from the beginning off the relation that he loves her and will always love her, but I insisted the relationship because I loved him and I thought he will eventually feel the same. I am now raising my child and not denying a ralationship between him and his son.

    Moving on from that relationship, I started to join tiny buddah and read everyday, I became single and see if I can live on my own, I started to discover things that I love. I was single for a year, then I started again trying to date, I am not that clingy anymore but I am still feeling down most of the times and the vicious circle of dating wrong people and unhealthy dating trends is still going on. I am now afraid of dating…I am an unhappy person and thats how I always see myself and thats how I always bring to the relationship. I dont know if its my past or there is something else in me…I am anti social, I am just awkward that I most of cases avoid people. I work very hard to replace the fact that I am unhappy, and the fact that I cannot find a mutual loving relationship, either I find a person that loves me and I dnt love them, or I find a person that I love and they dont love me back.

    I hope my thread is understandable, because I really need any piece of help…thank you

    October 19, 2016 at 4:51 am #118483
    prakashraj
    Participant

    Your thread is really good and everything you mentioned here are the same things i have felt. I’ve been running low on self-esteem and confidence since years. Till my 6th grade i was socially connected with everyone and mischievous. I moved to a new school from 7th grade and things got a better. I was good in academics but on other side i lost contact with my best friends, became an introvert. Ever since then, when i tried to mingle with someone it felt like no one cared or i don’t seem to fit in.
    Had a rough childhood because of my dad (domestic violence, etc). I’m not angry on him or blame him anymore. As i’m content with whatever he does for my education. I’ve always feared that i would be left alone like this for the rest of my life. Luckily I’ve never been in a relationship except for a one sided love madness which left me more lonely and depressed. I’ve managed to get help from here, but soon everything goes crazy with me as i feel peaceful. This site is amazing and i’ve learnt some great stuff. I thought i was the only one in the world feeling anti social and lonely, but once i surfed through the site, i learnt that there are millions of people who are broken, depressed and lonely. I thought this phase exists only in teenage but i think these symptoms come in us from time to time regardless of age.

    October 19, 2016 at 5:04 am #118486
    Ashley Potts
    Participant

    Mia,

    Thank you for your input. I’m glad you finally found someone that treats you the way you deserve. Our situations like you said is quite different. But, I have to ask you, do you feel as though only having 1 partner since the age of 19 has taken away from your youth? I’m 20 years old, and can see myself with my current boyfriend for the rest of my life. I just don’t want to miss out on opportunities that I could have if I were single. But, I also don’t want to miss out on having a life long love.

    October 19, 2016 at 5:07 am #118487
    Ashley Potts
    Participant


    “I’d spent my whole life looking for myself in other people, looking for them to tell me who I was. And once I let them define me, I became completely dependent on them, because without them, I don’t exist.”

    I find myself able to relate to this way more than I should.

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