Thanks Mike. Your situation sounds like it could kick off at any minute, like a volcano ready to erupt. It’s unhealthy & maybe you both need to have a sit down for a deep heart to heart to find out if you can both work together to fix things between you.

Firstly I’ll point out that she is actually a great mother to my son & I am not nor have I ever been worried about my sons safety & I am able to praise her for this, which I have done many times. I can sleep easy at night knowing he is ok. Second there is no issues with paternity. We never done DNA or anything like that but in many cases it is simply not necessary in the slightest which it isn’t in our case as me & my son are like identical twins.

I had court stuff happening a year ago all I was doing it for was to have my name on the birth certificate & parental responsibility, basically I just wanted official recognition, not more access or anything like that because it wasn’t the issue. However, I compassionately withdrew the court stuff because the more days my ex missed at work then the more money she missed out on as well as legal fees, & that means my son becomes affected too. So I withdrew it & told her I give up & that I leave it to her whatever happens from now on.

I pay for my child & always have done. Legally I’m not even obliged to since legally I’m not even a parent, but I do it anyway because I want to. I’ve always dragged up the past s*it she did as a reminder of what she done to me (which is my problem, the past stuff she done) & she obviously hates me bringing it up. But I always felt that because I’m hurting she needs to be reminded of the fact she caused it. I’ve been in the victim role too long now though & I want out.

I get what you’re saying about my son noticing me being missing from a lot of things when he grows up. I’ve thought about that & well it’s simply not my fault so that’s her problem. But I’ll always be around as long as I’m alive. One thing I will not have taken from me is me being daddy & nobody else – what I mean is that even if she got married & technically my son has a step-dad, the step-dad will be getting called by his name & nothing else. I’m imagining future pain possibilities such as this.

I had a choice to either leave town or do something that resulted in a large jail sentence. Thankfully I took the right path & to be honest there have been many, many positive things that happened in my life as a result of all this. All things I made happen myself in reaction to my hurt. However the fact all that the positives came from a place of pain makes it bittersweet.

I tried the emotional freedom technique a while ago following tutorials on YouTube & I will do it every day. I think it’s quite possibly the thing I’ve been searching for this whole time since meditation alone has not took my pain away.

I will get there 🙂

This Saturday I’m going out to see my son at his own house, my ex’s house (where they live with her mum). It will be the first time I’ve ever been there.

I’m cool with it. I’m not worried or bothered or anything. My ex said she won’t be there but her mum will. I think she doesn’t want to be there at the beginning & that maybe after a while when we see how the visits go she’ll start staying there as I’m visiting.

The only thing I’m expecting is to see my son for a few hours in his own little territory & have fun with him. I’m having a slide delivered for him next month that me & him will build together on a Saturday I visit.

She said her dad usually visits on Saturday so he may turn up (I’ve never met him but I don’t give a crap about him. Not that there will be any animosity). The only thing that would bother me, which I’m sure she knows, is if someone who was in the role of her boyfriend ever turned up, or even any exes. I would be boiling inside & wouldn’t want to be civil to them. I haven’t brought this up to her, I’ve thought about it but I didn’t yet. I’m not sure she even has a boyfriend I’m just picturing the scenario if it were to happen.

Let’s see how it goes.

NOTE: I’ve done really well with the forgiving of her. Up until the turn of the year it was a regular boiling rage inside & now it is not so much. In fact only very briefly I think about it for a minute or 2 then forget about it again. Deep down it’ll probably always be there but I’m doing well in not allowing it to control my emotions any more.

Yeah most of it is because I wanted to be there for my son when he came into the world & had it all taken away from me. I’ll not be able to get that back, ever. It’s just not possible.

But it’s also not possible to undo the stuff she done when she was pregnant & screwing around, & that’s the biggest killer to me. Her being single & free to do what she wants gives me no comfort, or in her words “can f*ck who she wants when she wants”

Deep down, it’s there. I’m doing amazingly well with progress in regards to letting go of the anger at this, but the facts are facts, & all the stuff happened, & it’s still there. You can’t totally eradicate harmful memories from your mind, although that would be amazing if you could.

I did talk to a counsellor last year for 6 sessions & I don’t think it done much good at the time. I mean, how does getting all the stuff in your head out vocally make any difference? It just made me leave the building angry because all the memories I’d just resurfaced & were again fresh in my head.

I was considering more counselling but decided it was best if I didn’t. And that was before I decided on trying to give my ex true forgiveness for Xmas.

Today I was texting my ex & she said something that peeved me off a little & in times gone by it would have escalated, but I just stopped replying & kept my cool. Just a few months ago I would have replied by digging up past stuff & then we would have been fully arguing & fall out for weeks or months. But I kept my cool & didn’t bother doing so.

However, I thought to myself something along the lines of “I’ll save it for another time” which is why I say that it is still there in me on some level since I’m obviously hanging on to some things if I plan to bring them up again some day. It was a picture of one of her ex boyfriends who was always sniffing around while I was with the girl & wouldn’t leave us alone, he’s holding my boy when he was a baby, this picture was from Facebook in the weeks after my son was born, meaning this ex boyfriend met my son before I did. To say this disappoints me is an understatement. It’s likely he was involved in other aspects of my son coming into the world. Not good in my book.

That one example of things I could bring up. Or maybe hanging onto these kind of issues with those intentions just brings me some kind of comfort? Like an ace up my sleeve or something?

Having said all that, I am doing incredibly well.