Dear Dee:

You shared that you are in a 4 year relationship. You feel “incredibly alone.. unheard” with him, like you “have no voice”, hopeless, like you have a hole in your heart and that your love is not reciprocated, but you are not sure if your feelings are valid: maybe they are valid and the relationship is bad, but maybe you are “paranoid or over anxious”.

Two years ago you discovered that he was soliciting prostitutes “in chat rooms for poly individuals seeking women and expressing that he was single”. Currently, he is “always on the phone… he literally takes his phone to the restroom, he keeps his phone at all times near him… he swipes or closes his phone quite a lot when I am near him”, and “Sometimes he’s gone for hours no explanation. One time he left at 3 am”.

When you asked for more of this time and attention, and when you asked him to not have inappropriate conversations with other women, and at other times when you express your feelings and concerns to him, he has told you that it is your insecurity that requested his time and attention, that you are trying to change him, that you’ve “been over this before”,  “What More do you want from Me. I’m here all the time”, that all you do is complain about the same thing, and that you are at fault for having “discovered his indiscretions due to (your) snooping”.

You wrote that you needed to vent and that you “just needs to know that someone understands”. What I understand is that he has been cheating on you for years, that he is busy for hours a day looking for sexual interactions with other women, that he feels comfortable doing these things because it doesn’t bother him that you are hurt, hopeless and unheard.

I understand that he does what he feels like doing, not caring how it affects you. He tells you what is convenient for him to say, whatever will get you to stop bothering him. He feels comfortable living with you, he is not afraid to lose you because he thinks that you are a weak woman who will stay with him no matter what he says and does.

Did I understand correctly?

anita

Dear Dee:

“he is attentive in short bouts”- that’s the “mere crumbs” of love that you referred to.

“I just want to be loved”- and those crumbs, those short bouts of attention, is the only love you have available for you, and without those crumbs- you have nothing, so you feel, so you believe.

And it may be true, but it doesn’t have to be this way for the rest of your life. There is more love for you than those crumbs. I believe it to be true.

anita

Dear Dee:

I will read your recent posts and reply when I am back to the computer in about 14 hours from now.

anita

Hi Dee

My experience in relationships should always be where I am evolving and growing? The experience should be an ebb and flow? Where there is conflict and pushback concerning love whether it be from me or the other person are key signals that should alert me?

I think your story cough my attention because its something I also wonder about. When do we know when were asking for to much or not enough. In relationship we seek out a ebb and flow of balance.  I think that feeling of being alone and sadness that you describe so well is a alert that something is out of balance.

Knowing what it is that we authentically need is one thing. Learning how to ask for what we need in relationship is another. Both require work and a relationship ought to be a safe place to do that work (play with that balance). Of course even here balance and discernment is required. Few enjoy a relationship which is under constant analyses and work.  (I like the perspective of play here. Few things tends to be either or. Healthy flexible boundaries, there is a time for all things)

Counseling I suspect could help, personal and or couple. Not about blame, we all fail each other in some ways. Its a question of about better if better is possible. I related to your feeling of loneliness you described and I can’t believe that is the best we should expect from relationship and doubt Love/Life will accept loneliness as growth.