I needed a moment to vent and thought that this post would be my saving grace. Side note this is lengthy and probably redundant; yet I just need to know that someone understands.

for the past 4 years I have been in a relationship with someone whom… well I don’t really know how to explain it. All I know is I feel incredibly alone anymore. My voice is largely unheard and I have given up. I feel like I have no voice; well nothing that partly matters to someone that I love. A gaping hole in my heart because I so desperately would like to feel that love reciprocated. I walk a thin line because I’m not certain if I am paranoid or over anxious. I toil with the fact of whether my feelings are even valid. Case and point:

2 years ago I discovered by way of my snooping through my partners phone that he was soliciting prostitutes, in chat rooms for poly individuals seeking woman and expressing that he was single. Although I am not proud of searching through his belongings at the time I just needed to know the truth. Ever since I discovered which probably should have been obvious, I have been stuck in an vicious cycle of wanting to be loved l, trying to make it work, and be whatever it is that “he” is seeking. I am exhausted.

i have spoken about my concerns As to why the truth was hidden, what did he actually want,and blah blah blah. I’ve always been met with that everything is fine. He is happy with us and that I just need to be secure in him and I. I have had an incredibly hard time. I realized that resulting from seeing this hidden life of his I now have a handful of triggers.
These actions which have always been there are even more amplified and to my mental state even moreso identifiable as possible hints to what has occurred in his past and what he could possibly still be doing.

current triggers: He’s  always on the phone- I’ve asked for time alone with him at the end of the day with no distractions, ahem his phone. His response: A. “it’s your own insecurity that would even request this”B. You’re trying to change me. C.“ We’ve been over this before. What  More do you want from Me. I’m here all the time” when I ask for him to be present although he is here physically, I have asked for him to be present. To acknowledge me to show an interest in me.
my heart Literally aches as I type this, reliving this pain day after day is so great.

when I say he is in his phone all the time he literally takes his phone to the restroom, he keeps his phone at all times near him. He wakes up in the middle of the night and the first thing he reaches for is his phone.

Here recently I have sought to find out the truth or seek more of the truth. As if that hasn’t been truth enough. I found myself following him when he leaves so that I can just catch a glimpse of whether or not he is being deceiving. I have found that he leaves to talk on the phone. Sometimes he’s gone for hours no explanation. One time he left at 3 am in the morning he said it was to get something from his brother.

Today, he spent his entire day on Facebook chatting in forums talking about current events. He will continue to do so until he retires for the evening.

I’ve expressed many times what I would like, what would make me happy. Yet I’m convinced that he really doesn’t care. Many days I am in tears he sees them and he asks genuinely what’s wrong. Yet As of late  I have stopped telling him how I feel. Reason being. In the past every time I discuss my wants,’my feelings, his response is,   A. all I do is complain about the same thing, and B.as of late that I am responsible for my own feelings since I discovered his indiscretions due to my snooping. C. Or fly off the handle and get mad at any request I make.
I read somewhere that the true ability of a partner is  when someone comes to you with their concerns that you don’t pick them apart and throw a dozen reasons as to why they shouldn’t feel the way they do. But to “hear” them and hopefully listen for understanding.
as many times as I have come to him his response is just that” you say the same thing each time” I’d like to reply that’s because you are not listening.

Overall, I feel alienated and much of the time I don’t know what to do with theses triggers. I feel hopeless and refrain from saying how much I hurt. It pains me because he does seem genuine at times, but sadly his Past responses Scare me and I just don’t trust the outcome anymore. I rather stay silent but it seems like it’s breaking me! I’m trying to make sense out of something that I don’t think will ever be. I wish I knew the answer.

theres more to the story yet I will stop as I would just be rambling.
oh… lately I made a request asking him or rather implying. I guess you could say accuse. But I asked that he not have any inappropriate conversations with women. He got upset per usual and said that it was again my insecurity. That now he can’t even have female friends and that he should just give up his phone. The next day he put a locked passcode on it. Mind you he swipes or closes his phone quite a lot when I am near him.