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I'm the Toxic One in the Relationship

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  • January 23, 2019 at 9:22 am #276419
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Monique:

    First a summary/ understanding of what you shared, then my input:

    Your mother is very unhappy in her marriage to your father, and otherwise. She has the habit of taking her unhappiness on others, specifically on your father who is miserable and unhappy as a result. She is verbally abusive to him, is bossy and controlling of him. She is “a ‘my way or the highway’ kind of person and you had “some resentment for her behavior when (you) were in high school”.

    You had a seven year “toxic and abusive” relationship with one man, then you were single for six months, got involved with a new man who is your co worker, moved in with him within one month of dating him and have been living with him for almost 1.5 years at this point.

    When you drink alcohol, you “get verbally abusive… dismiss his emotions, never listen to him when he tells me no, and don’t resect his privacy”. He told you that you are psychotic, “and that he is constantly scared of being around” you, especially when you drink, because he doesn’t know how you will act.

    Repeatedly he expressed to you that he wants to end the relationship, the two of you then spend some time apart, get back together again, then you drink, get verbally abusive, he wants out, the two of you spend time apart, get back together and so on, a “vicious cycle”.

    You can’t afford psychotherapy and you don’t have a vehicle.

    My input:

    1. If you have AA meetings available to you to attend in person where you live, it may be of great help to you. It is free and if a meeting is too far for you to walk to, you can arrange for a ride there, and once in the first meeting, you can arrange for future rides with one or a few of the people who  regularly attend the meetings.

    2. You can make it so that no alcohol is available in your home, can you?

    If you do drink, see to  it that he is not present when you do and that there is a certain amount of time from the end of your moderate drinking to when you expect him home, so that the buzz and the disinhibition caused by alcohol disappear by the time he is back.

    3. If the home where you live has more than one room, having your own room may help when you feel trapped. It is also a possibility for the two  of you to  continue or restart a relationship while living apart.

    4. From having read your experience with your mother, it may seem that you observed her behavior and copied it, but I don’t think that this is what happened. I think that she verbally abused you, as she did your father, and you naturally got angry at her.

    You wrote regarding your boyfriend: “when he would try to express his feelings to me, if I wasn’t agreeing with it or didn’t like what he was saying, I would simply tell him to ‘stop'”- it makes me think of you wanting to tell your mother to stop, many times over the years. Maybe you were too afraid to tell her to stop, but I bet you wanted her to stop.

    Did you want her to stop when she was going on and on and did you ever tell her to stop?

    anita

     

     

    January 24, 2019 at 1:12 am #276539
    Monique
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you kindly for your thoughts and analysis on this.

    AA has certainly been an option I’ve considered. There are several in my area, however my only issue with this idea at the moment is my work schedule as all the local sites have theirs on Thursdays when I am usually working a 12-hour shift. I can certainly turn my home into an alcohol-free zone. lest I do decide to moderately drink. This is a particularly strange topic for me to discuss simply because I work at a restaurant that turns itself into a nightclub/bar area, where heavy amounts of drinking takes place. In other words, alcohol is all around me when I’m working.

    I’ve tried to analyze the behaviors of my mother since I started noticing my own, and while I did think for the longest time that I’m simply copying her behavior, I never considered that she instead verbally abused me. One thing I’d like to add into this subject is that I’m Vietnamese American/Asian American, where often times mothers are considered “tiger moms” where they enforce strict rules and are tough on their children to push them to succeed. In other words, it’s “expected” that Asian mothers are like this. But the past several years, I began noticing things my mother has done to me and my father that just, well, isn’t right. There’s countless times where she’ll go on and on and on about why I messed up, how angry/upset she was, etc. and yes, I did want to tell her to stop. My mother is notorious for holding grudges. She’ll still talk about certain things that my siblings or my family have done in the past and how bad she thought it was. I was angry with her for quite some time… nowadays I find my father and I are closer and frequently have conversations about her and discuss the same ideas and opinions.

    I remember one day coming home from school when I was about 8 years old, my parents were in the dining room. That was unusual for me, as they usually didn’t come home from work before I did. It turned out that my father wanted a divorce at the time, and my mother tried to take my younger brother and me to find another place to live. Later that night, my father apologized to all of us for inflicting such pain on the family and promised to stay with us always. Fast forward to today–the reason he’d wanted a divorce was because of my mother’s ways. They had another bout a few years back, but are a little better now. I’m led to think that my father is just complacent more than anything else.

    I’ve suggested therapy to my mother individually, as has my father. She refuses to go and thinks there’s nothing wrong with her.

    Monique

    January 24, 2019 at 8:46 am #276633
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Monique:

    You are welcome. I will focus on what I believe is the heart of the problem as I see it, clearly and state it in a straight forward way:

    You wrote in your original post, “My mother, particularly. While I do have the utmost love and respect for her”-

    As children we automatically and naturally love  our mothers. We are born to love her deeply, unconditionally and desperately.

    We are also taught to love and respect our mothers/parents. When we feel angry at our mothers, when we become aware of her wrongdoings, we feel guilty, as if we are bad people for thinking ill  of her.

    Your mother, like mine, has been and is abusive and “thinks there is nothing wrong with her”. Mine is not of your culture, but similarly abusive. I would say abuse is common across all cultures and locations in the world. Your mother, still being married to your father, is harming him as well.

    For as long as you continue to have the outmost respect for your abusive mother, you are paying a high price for that respect, so does your boyfriend, and so will your children if you have children.

    You need to disrespect your mother because of her behaviors. I don’t mean that you should yell at her or call her names. I mean, in your heart and mind you should disrespect her because her behavior harms innocent people, and you have been  her innocent victim.

    Choose the side of what is right and reject what is wrong. Reject the person who is doing wrong regardless who he or she is, be it a stranger or your own mother.

    What do you think/ feel at this point?

    anita

    January 28, 2019 at 3:53 pm #277457
    Jemma
    Participant

    Hey Monique,

    Its interesting reading your post because it seems really similar to my relationship. I do the same thing in that I am generally a good person but can be really aggressive and abusive to my partner when drunk and have woken up way too many times knowing I’ve crossed the line.

    Like you, I have a mother that (most likely) instilled some bad habits into me, as she tends to criticize a lot. I often wonder how genuinely happy she is and think she would benefit from therapy.

    I do see a psychologist when I can afford it – I would encourage you to do the same. But I know its expensive!

    Just wondering, what are the triggers for your fights with your partner? Do you and your partner communicate well afterwards and try to learn from them?

    One thing I have found helpful when I feel my blood rising (drunk or not – mostly drunk) is I will say that I am triggered. That way he knows I’m feeling sensitive. But I don’t always have the mindfulness to recognize this in the heat of the moment. Once we know I am triggered, I go for a 15-20 minute walk to try and calm down.

    But please know that you are so not ‘the only one’, there are lots of us out there, trying to do better. Good on you taking the right step to improve!

     

     

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