Dear Louise:

A previous hurt, long-time hurt of your earlier life, before you met him, is screaming for attention in your present behavior, doesn’t it;

Your fear of losing him of him attending to someone else and leaving you behind, alone and unattended to, this experience of abandonment already happened, didn’t it?

If so, did you discuss it in therapy and can you share it here?

anita

Dear Louise:

You are welcome. You wrote: “Maybe it doesn’t even have anything to do with my childhood. Who knows.”-

I believe that you know. You just don’t know that you know, not yet.

I don’t see how it is possible for a young girl not to be strongly affected by a paranoid mother. I don’t see a way that her accusations that your father cheated on her, how these accusations could possibly have no affect and effect on you. It doesn’t matter whether he cheated on her. The fact that you were a witness to her accusations and her anxiety as she made those accusations are enough to affect you.

You wrote that you “talked about this to death in therapy” as perhaps evidence that your childhood experience is not the cause for your current predicament, correct?

Thing is, talking is not enough to undo core beliefs formed in childhood. If you believed, as a child, that relationships are unsafe, dangerous because you saw how anxious and disturbed your mother was in her relationship, then you still believe it. There is a feeling holding this kind of belief in place, like glue. It is strong glue, I am thinking. Since you are continuing therapy, maybe there is a different way to doing therapy, other than talking, to get in touch with that glue.

anita

Dear Louise:

Your first sentence is the question:  “How do I find that glue?” and your last sentence answers it: “I don’t know how to stop this feeling.” The glue is that feeling and it found you long time ago, stays with you, always there ready to be activated.

And you elaborated about the glue: it is that feeling of “inner badness”. I am wondering: you wrote that your mother was and still is paranoid at times. She accused your father of cheating. Did she accuse you of wrongdoings as well? Maybe she still does?

anita

Dear Louise:

You are welcome.

You asked: “how can this be effecting me now?”- to consider this question, think of how your brain worked as a young child. It is now, as a woman, that you have an understanding of her mental illness, of her hearing voices at the time, of the insanity of her behavior. But back then, it was not so.

For a child, her mother is perfect, right, loving. When a parent tells her young child that she is wrong or bad, the child does not go: let me examine this statement, this message my mother is sending me. Let me evaluate it, if it is true. No, the child believes. The child does not challenge what her mother says- that comes later. At the time, the child takes it is, and a core-belief is formed: “I am bad.”

“And how is this impacting on my current relationship?”, you asked. Well, with the core-belief “I am bad”- it is just a matter of time for your boyfriend to find out and leave you. As you suggested.

anita

Hello Louise,

Your situation reminds me much of myself and my current state. I’ve been married for 6 years and the last 2 years has been a toxic relationship driven mainly by myself and triggered by infertility, multiple IVFs, 2 miscarriages and constant stress. My husband is a very loving man and tried to support me the best way he can throughout however his type and way of support was not what I needed. I wanted to grieve together and he wanted to be optimistic, to keep my chin up and keep on trying. I resented this and started lashing out, blaming him, criticizing and making threats throughout which only made him retreat. Ultimately he started seeking friends, mainly females to talk with. I became very angry and jealous which he then sought more of the emotional connection with these individuals. The situation had spiraled out of control, he apologized and we tried to start over. That didn’t last long as I have a difficult time trusting and he lives in fear. We have had a rocky relationship for the last 2 years and recently he finally stated he need some space and time away from me. He has been living in another country to concentrate on his work. It will be 2 months from the time he left to when he is scheduled to return, which he extended for one month. For the first couple of weeks he was gone, I had lashed out and verbally abused him over the phone. It was very sad and disturbing at the same time. I didn’t like myself and he didn’t like me either. I had decided from then on, that it was better not to have any communication with him, because when I did, all my emotions surface, negative thoughts and stories would build. During this time I have a lot of sadness, crying, panic attacks and time for reflection. I realize that I have attachment and abandonment issues which stems from my childhood upbringing and my friends state I have never been alone (without being in some type of relationship) and most importantly one person assessed that I like to control the love in my relationships. All of these things are true. As hard as it is now, I will try my best to become a whole individual and not need another person to complete me. Once I become more independent and love myself then I can share my completeness with someone else, rather than depending on them to complete me and make me happy. My husband is trying to reach out but I am afraid that I am not ready yet and may lash out again. We have both made mistakes and I’m hoping we will learn from them, heal ourselves first and if we are on the same path at the same time, perhaps we can try again. I’m not sure if this story relates to yours but I did want to encourage you to use some time to think and perhaps see things from another perspective.

https://acoarecovery.wordpress.com/all-posts-2010-4/