Hi chica!
I am 22 and also going through something pretty similar. I feel like who I have been is only because it pleases other people. Up until recently most of the things I’ve done are only to gain recognition or praise. Whether it’s getting good grades or being a successful athlete or being well-liked, I feel like I’m doing everything for other people. After I graduated college I hit a wall where I was like, “what do I actually do for myself that I enjoy without anyone else ‘watching’??” and I had literally NO idea. Many, if not all, of my actions were always based on what I thought other people would think of me. It made doing anything or acting a certain way or interacting with certain people SO difficult because I had this running criticism in my head of what “other people” might perceive. I’ve made a conscious effort to try and do what I want instead of what other people want me to do. Luckily, my wise and self-less boyfriend understands that I often do this and is extremely helpful in reminding me to make choices based on what’s best for me, not what’s best for others. People-pleasing is exhausting because you’re always trying to figure out what other people want so you are constantly shifting to fit other people’s expectations and desires. It’s no way to live freely!!

What you said about feeling like a huge weight was lifted is what your whole life could be like I think! It will take a little bit of time for everyone else in your life to get used to who you really are, but once people see and know that you are much more comfortable being real and honest, they will respect you. Other people will perpetuate your previous attitude and behavior because they are expecting you to act like that. Some people may need some explanation from you, which might be annoying or difficult or scary, but it could be really helpful for you in terms of talking about this change and coming to terms with it yourself. Those around you who truly love you and care about you will want you around no matter what, anyone who only wants you around when you’re bubbly, ditzy or coy is perhaps someone who you could stand to protect yourself from anyway! Your fears are so valid and so make sense to me, I am dealing with those same ones currently.

I think this age is a very transformative time in our lives. We were li’l caterpillars not so long ago and as we emerge as the butterflies we potentially may be for the rest of our lives, it’s important to let our loved ones see who we are becoming. To stick with the metaphor, it’s also important not to rush the process because if you try and get a butterfly to fly before it’s ready, it won’t be strong enough. Be patient with your family and friends and patient with yourself. It brings me so much joy that you have someone you can “just be” with. That is a true gift and I am so hopeful for you to discover that you can always “just be” and always be free! Spread your wings beautiful butterfly!

xo