There’s so much pain in your words. I’m so sorry. Loneliness is the worst, and it messes with your head. Here are some thoughts that may be difficult to take on at this point in time, but I’ll hope you’ll try them on on a hypothetical basis.

Firstly, you have not already lost. That’s because this is not the 100m sprint. There is no finish line that somebody else got to before you. There’s not some kind of minimum level you have to reach at life or it’s game over. Life is just stuff that happens. Sometimes you’re down, sometimes you’re up, but as long as you stay on the ride there’s a chance. There is still hope. Things might turn out wonderfully. However old you are, you are still young.

It sounds like it’s very hard for you to reach out to other people, or even be around other people. This is how loneliness creates more loneliness. To reverse the spiral, you may have to push yourself. Gather your courage and do what doesn’t come naturally.

What are the things you still enjoy doing, that involve other people? Are there places or gatherings where that kind of thing happens? Is there a Meetup? Or, if there is currently nothing that brings you joy because everything is grey, think back to the things you used to enjoy. Even things you enjoyed as a kid. Is there a grown-up version of that? Most children’s activities have grown-up versions. Think of sports, bouldering or climbing, roleplaying games, drawing and painting, etc.

It’s OK to start small. It’s OK to chicken out the first time, and the second time. It’s OK to come home and cry, or go home early. It’s OK to not know what to say. It’s OK to be awkward. Pay attention and you’ll find that a hell of a lot of us are awkward. Visit Captain Awkward for some stories of lonely people who managed to grow out of their loneliness and learned to trust and connect to people.

I hope that you’ll come to believe that’s possible for you, too. Because it is. And I hope it’ll happen.