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- This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 2 months ago by
Jon Zieve.
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November 5, 2014 at 12:30 pm #67383
Kim
ParticipantYuni,
I ended a toxic relationship about a month ago and now he’s telling me his ex is moving back in with him. Too soon. Very painful. And then, I found relief. I was not in love with him. I needed him to love me…and he didn’t. We can’t control how other people feel. He is entitled to his own emotions and it’s none of my business what he thinks of me (a quote I heard somewhere). The need for love is almost a guarantee that you won’t find it. So, I’ve been trying fill my void with myself this month and surprisingly enough, it’s slowly bringing me strength. I can’t say I’m not hurt and I can’t say that I’m feeling joyful. I can say that I feel stronger now than I did in the relationship. I can also say I don’t find ANY relationship worth draining yourself of YOU.I’m not lonely at all right now because I’m spending quality time with myself. The recognition that I was in a relationship out of the need for someone else and not because we were similar people is leading me to surround myself with people who are like me. If I told him I was meditating daily, he’d probably laugh and call me a hippie. I was so afraid of that before. Now…who freakin cares? I want to date someone who won’t laugh at the vulnerable, spiritual, and loving side of me and I want to be able to let that shine in a relationship…because really, it’s the best part of me.
If you feel yourself withdrawing around the one you are with, take note. We are superficially attracted to people who are good looking, successful, suave, etc…these are qualities society has trained you to look for. The qualities you should actually be looking for are those that connect you in a deep and meaningful way. More importantly, I would recommend spending some time developing friendships (with no physical attachments). Find a few gems in the world who accept you just the way you are. Live knowing that they are not crucial to your happiness but give thanks for the time that you do spend with them. I think that’s the way a good relationship works. You choose to have them in your life but you don’t need them.
December 29, 2014 at 6:12 am #69917Nikita
ParticipantWow, Kim,that was beautiful. It so describes what I’m experiencing and what I’d like to experience. I’ve been realizing that I live a lot of my life in fear. On the outside it doesn’t look like it. I have a great job, a house, a family, but at the end of the day, when I look at my life, I’ve been one big mass of fear. I’ve been married for over 30 years to a man who’s been very emotionally abusive .. and I took it! I’m just realizing this now. What do you call it when I’m scared to be late coming home b/c I know he’s going to start accusing me of cheating on him. Or he’ll accuse me of “abandoning” him when I go anywhere. He just wants to sit at home, eat and drink and sleep .. and I have to stay with him.
I’m just so tired of it. We’ve withdrawn from each other and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me! I feel like I’m waking up from this awful nightmare. I’ve just lived in this crazy reality for so long .. always scared and anxious that he’ll get mad and make my life a living hell. I read so many spiritual books, do yoga, practice mindfulness … just to keep sane. I need to find out who I am. I lost myself in trying to please him and my family. I’m constantly withdrawing from them and just going through the motions.
This is why I LOVE your advice about building relationships with people “who accept you just the way you are.” I think the first relationship I need to build is with myself. I can do this now! I’m tired of being scared!
February 20, 2015 at 2:46 pm #73076Jon Zieve
ParticipantTo heal your inner child I recommend this program (see link). I found it to be very helpful. I believe our inner child is our best feature, it is our imagination that connects us with God. But it can cause havoc if we aren’t aware of it’s immature side.
Listen to this and you will feel powerful and strong.
http://defoore.com/tape3.htmBest, Jon
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