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I'm scared

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  • November 5, 2014 at 11:10 am #67371
    Yuni
    Participant

    I’ve come to understand that emotionally, I’m a scared child. With that, I’ve realized how come my relationships were always so awful. Thinking back, I remember that I never truly believed that it was love I was experiencing in my relationships. What I knew was just that I got into this “thing” and I was stuck inside of it, feeling miserable. Today, when I see myself, I’m mourning all that I’ve given away, still I never knew it was mine to hold and to have! I gave all of myself up for others, because I felt compelled to do it. Like as if I had no other choice, even though I knew it felt wrong, horrible. I was so desperate for change for many years, and now the change is here. I’ve changed as I’ve become aware. Now I’m trying to feel instead of think. I’m trying to allow myself to be wherever I am, and take care of myself in that.
    I’m scared that I might never find within me what I’m looking for. Still I think there has to be something more than this, because what I’ve experienced so far is just not love. I call it illusion. Sometimes I’ve had glimpses of what I’ve then called truth…
    Sometimes I see images in my head of the person I dream to be, a person that’s allowing and accepting. Yes, I want to allow and accept myself and I do believe that by giving myself that respect I will be able to truly feel it for others as well.
    However, I’m really scared! I want to believe in love, and I want to allow love… I have so many blockages that denies me expressing myself and feeling worthy of existing…
    I’m struggling. However since I started this path, there is no turning back.

    November 5, 2014 at 12:30 pm #67383
    Kim
    Participant

    Yuni,
    I ended a toxic relationship about a month ago and now he’s telling me his ex is moving back in with him. Too soon. Very painful. And then, I found relief. I was not in love with him. I needed him to love me…and he didn’t. We can’t control how other people feel. He is entitled to his own emotions and it’s none of my business what he thinks of me (a quote I heard somewhere). The need for love is almost a guarantee that you won’t find it. So, I’ve been trying fill my void with myself this month and surprisingly enough, it’s slowly bringing me strength. I can’t say I’m not hurt and I can’t say that I’m feeling joyful. I can say that I feel stronger now than I did in the relationship. I can also say I don’t find ANY relationship worth draining yourself of YOU.

    I’m not lonely at all right now because I’m spending quality time with myself. The recognition that I was in a relationship out of the need for someone else and not because we were similar people is leading me to surround myself with people who are like me. If I told him I was meditating daily, he’d probably laugh and call me a hippie. I was so afraid of that before. Now…who freakin cares? I want to date someone who won’t laugh at the vulnerable, spiritual, and loving side of me and I want to be able to let that shine in a relationship…because really, it’s the best part of me.

    If you feel yourself withdrawing around the one you are with, take note. We are superficially attracted to people who are good looking, successful, suave, etc…these are qualities society has trained you to look for. The qualities you should actually be looking for are those that connect you in a deep and meaningful way. More importantly, I would recommend spending some time developing friendships (with no physical attachments). Find a few gems in the world who accept you just the way you are. Live knowing that they are not crucial to your happiness but give thanks for the time that you do spend with them. I think that’s the way a good relationship works. You choose to have them in your life but you don’t need them.

    December 29, 2014 at 6:12 am #69917
    Nikita
    Participant

    Wow, Kim,that was beautiful. It so describes what I’m experiencing and what I’d like to experience. I’ve been realizing that I live a lot of my life in fear. On the outside it doesn’t look like it. I have a great job, a house, a family, but at the end of the day, when I look at my life, I’ve been one big mass of fear. I’ve been married for over 30 years to a man who’s been very emotionally abusive .. and I took it! I’m just realizing this now. What do you call it when I’m scared to be late coming home b/c I know he’s going to start accusing me of cheating on him. Or he’ll accuse me of “abandoning” him when I go anywhere. He just wants to sit at home, eat and drink and sleep .. and I have to stay with him.

    I’m just so tired of it. We’ve withdrawn from each other and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me! I feel like I’m waking up from this awful nightmare. I’ve just lived in this crazy reality for so long .. always scared and anxious that he’ll get mad and make my life a living hell. I read so many spiritual books, do yoga, practice mindfulness … just to keep sane. I need to find out who I am. I lost myself in trying to please him and my family. I’m constantly withdrawing from them and just going through the motions.

    This is why I LOVE your advice about building relationships with people “who accept you just the way you are.” I think the first relationship I need to build is with myself. I can do this now! I’m tired of being scared!

    February 20, 2015 at 2:46 pm #73076
    Jon Zieve
    Participant

    To heal your inner child I recommend this program (see link). I found it to be very helpful. I believe our inner child is our best feature, it is our imagination that connects us with God. But it can cause havoc if we aren’t aware of it’s immature side.
    Listen to this and you will feel powerful and strong.
    http://defoore.com/tape3.htm

    Best, Jon

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