I sympathise with you completely. I wish I could adequately help you but it is difficult for me to make judgements upon this friendship when I am not you. I do feel though sometimes that some people come into our lives and then leave. They’re here to teach us lessons while they’re in our life, give us support and then we have to unfortunately learn to let go of them when they leave. But they played an important role in our lives while they were there. I’m not saying this is the case here. It is difficult to say really what the case is here at the moment. By the sounds of it he has not given you any information, and is playing dumb.

I however do not feel you are dumb. You are simply human, and there is nothing wrong with that. I myself among with everyone else upon this earth go through such similar emotions. We are all human, and it is always hard letting go of something you have become emotionally invested in. Based on what I’ve heard it sounds like this friend of yours is trying to avoid you for some reason. Now we can’t really make assumptions as to why. I can understand that this has been gnawing at you though. But there could be any number of things. Whatever it is though, he is trying to avoid some form of confrontation about the situation. This could be because what he has to say might hurt your feelings. Or it may even be that the person he is in a relationship with has asked him to avoid contact with you. Who knows. We can’t know. So try not to make assumptions and let them fester within your mind, they will only hurt you in the long run.

Whatever his “obligations” are he feels that they clearly somehow take priority over you. So much so that he leaves you in the dark bewildered. Is that a fair friendship? Friendships just like relationships are all about an equal flow of give and take and are mutually rewarding. A two way street. They should make the two of you feel good, not bad. However, here it seems you are more invested in the friendship then he is. Whatever he is doing, he is doing it immaturely. He needs to tell you the truth. He may be trying to distance himself in order to spare you or himself the hurt of something. He’s probably too scared and doesn’t have it in him to call the friendship off for whatever reason there may be. Whatever the situation you don’t deserve to be strung along like you are being.

Also, if you think he will cut you off if you ask him what’s happening or by telling him how you feel, you should revaluate your friendship with him. You want a friend that is there for you through thick and thin. One who understands. Not one that cuts you off for asking questions or expressing yourself. Ask yourself is this a friendship worth keeping despite all the pain? I can see that there is a little voice speaking to you in that last note you made in the ‘PS’. Try listening to it. But don’t beat yourself up. You need to try and look logically at this, try not to let your emotions interfere.

By the sounds of it you feel the friendship is fading anyway. In my opinion, if you haven’t already asked what’s wrong and told him how you feel then it’s worth a try. Just to give yourself some closure. If the friendship seems to be ending anyway, what’s there to lose? You need to tell him that you want the truth (but don’t be demanding, be mature and professional). You want to maintain your self respect by not appearing needy (not that you are) and upkeep your own pride. I think perhaps it’s worth you trying to tell him how you feel bewildered and confused and you just want the truth now whatever it is – good or bad – you should ask him what the matter is. But after all this time, I think this should be the last time you try. Hopefully you can receive some closure from it. If he brushes you off again after even telling him how you feel you need to realize that this person does not have you in their best interest. Whoever he may have been in the past, people do change and who you thought they were no longer seems to apply. Try not to become enraged or hurt. Don’t make it personal, keep it professional.

If he fails to tell you what the problem is, you need to let go and rid yourself of people such as him who no longer serve you. You need to bring good influences back into your life; friendships that are rewarding. Friendships that make you feel good. I think it’s worth a try asking one last time, but don’t take it any further than that. You want to maintain your self respect and own pride. He’s not putting into the friendship what he should be which shows he’s not as invested as you are. In ways asking him what the problem is after all this time is somewhat pushing it. He seems to be trying to imply something by distancing himself. I don’t know. I’d say either try to let go of the friendship now and realize it’s over, or ask one last time for some form of closure. Regardless, at the end of the day the friendship does not appear healthy for you as it is causing you stress and sadness. I would try to distance myself and let go. There’s a point that comes where you should let go and move on, and realize this is no longer in your control. He is the one choosing what he does. You can’t change that. You’ve done all you can. It’s just the ebb and flow of life. People come and people go. Remember that you shouldn’t ever expend energy on someone who doesn’t care about you anymore or have you in their best interest. They are not worth your worries, pain or tears.

Of course I am making a lot of assumptions here in order to make some sense of this situation. I may very well not be correct; this is based off what I think and what I might do. You are of course entitled to whatever you wish. You need to make your own judgements. I want you to make your choice based on what you feel is right and what is best for you. But I do believe by clinging to something that is not doing you any emotional good is only deteriorating your happiness. I wish you the best of luck with your endeavours. I am here for support if you wish to speak further. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, I wish you the very best friend.

Mac,

I wonder if it is possible to let go without closing the heart. Who knows what conditions are producing the distance on his side, because we don’t know. Much like we don’t blame a deaf boy for not hearing us, we don’t blame the closed off for whatever reasons they’ve closed. Something happened that changed things for him, and we can give loving kindness. “May you be well, happy and peaceful.” This keeps our heart open, but accepts and gives space to the connection to be whatever it needs to be on their side for now. Said differently, if and when the conditions change for him, inside you there is the potential for there to be no resentment or karma within your conditions. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Macintosh,

I’m sorry for the resurgence of confusion and mental racing, and can understand why an experience like the coffee meeting would leave you wondering. I think its very possible that as you finally allowed the connection to release he unknowingly felt it. I don’t find that to be very interesting for you, however, because something else caught my attention while reading your words. A few things came to heart.

For the sake of illumination, perhaps consider your connection to him much like an addiction. With enough time and space, the force of the addiction erodes as the body naturally moves away from the object of addiction. Then we feel peace, as though the addiction does not have a hold on us any longer. However, if we are only suppressing the desire for the object, then we’re only creating a wall between us and it, and not actually dealing with the lack inside us that is generating the craving when we encounter the object.

When you said “I need to close my heart” this is the method that you seem to have adopted. Which also seemed to work for a little while, as brick by brick, day by day you went about your daily do. However, in not approaching the basic wound on your heart, the next time you encountered the object of addiction, the force returned. The wall came down, and there you are again cycling through patterns of suffering. Its OK, normal and usual for it to happen that way.

People who become addicted to alcohol, for instance, rarely quit just from wanting to not drink. Their resolve melts in the face of stress, and until they go through a process of self knowing, creating healthy coping strategies, and settle their past mistakes, they fall into patterns of drinking. My initial response still resonates with me as pertinent. Get into patterns of self nurturing. Consider doing metta meditation with him as the recipient. Try to open your heart to him in a way that honors your hope for inner peace, leaving his aloofness and other patterns within his journey, as his problem.

This cleans out the basement, so to speak. It uproots the habitual tendency to make his actions about you. To take it personally. Neither one of you seem to honor your feelings very well… where it sat as a pink elephant in the chair next to you while you sipped your latte and smiled. Why does he hold such power over you? You deserve so much better. Intimacy can be wonderful, nourishing, divine… and instead you toss your keys to someone who treats you unkindly. Its just habit, though, to reach and try to come to know where someone else is resting. To see inside his mind and heart and wish for understanding. Let it go!

It reminds me of a story about a girl who was crawling through a garden as a baby and smelled something funky. So she pressed her face close to the soil and smelled the manure which helped the flowers bloom. It was such a strong smell, that even as she grew and could stand up, the floral scents seemed pale in comparison. So instead of waiting for her senses to realign and mature, for the manure smell to settle, so she could appreciate the beauty of the flowers, she got back down and started smelling the manure again and again…. it felt somehow like home. She was just allured by the intensity and familiarity. In the story, a goddess appears and helps her stand and be patient… and slowly, gently, the whole of the garden was sensed and enjoyed.

With warmth,
Matt

Dear Mac

I am not sure I can add anything more or help with better advice than you have already been given but you do sound like a very beautiful and level headed person. Imagine, for a moment, that someone in your workplace or in your circle of friends has the ‘hots’ for you- but, for whatever reason, you are not interested in anything beyond a friendship. How would that feel? How would that play out?

Well my guess is you would not want to hurt that person, you might indeed be flattered by their attention and in that way invest the time to find out that actually you quite like that person, enjoy their company, and all that goes with it. But the basic rules of chemistry still apply. This person is not your ‘ideal’- does not strike you as ‘the one’. Thsi state of affairs goes on for years and suddenly you find yourself in a tight spot. You might love this person as a friend, brother, sister, whatever but you do not want to be romantically involved- Actually you want to be romantically involved with someone else who has crossed your path. You would look to do exactly what your ‘friend’ has done. In other words what I am saying is sometimes it is good to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes.

What you need to do is (at least this is what I would do) create distance- a healthy distance and space between you that you fill with others and then let time do its magic. This guy may indeed come back to you but my guess is it will be at a time (if at all) when you have put him in his proper pigeon hole- the life long friend. Recognise, as I do in your words, the process of grieving you are going through for this long time friend, and know that the phase of Bargaining and Despondency and Anger will mellow into Acceptance with time. You will then stop hurting and be back in control. And Happier too.

I wish you love and happiness

Ade