Dear anjum niklo:

You are welcome. Do you find this man unattractive, that is, the image of being physically intimate with him repulses you?

anita

Dear anjum niklo:

If you were not repulsed by him, not cringing with the thought of intimacy with him, then maybe there was a chance for an intimate relationship with him. A super strong physical attraction is not necessary, I believe, for a healthy, loving relationship. But cringing, that makes a healthy, loving relationship impossible. I would tell him, if I was you, that you are not attracted to him. Somehow tell him that, as gently as you can (with no details as to what about his body you are not attracted to !). In that way, you will be encouraging him to move on.

If he will be willing to have a friendship with you accepting this is not at all likely to turn to a physical relationship, then be it.

anita

Dear anjum niklo:

This 38 year old man makes you “feel most beautiful and desired”- that could lead to you feeling a physical desire to be with him, I am thinking. I also think that you being in contact with your ex boyfriend is in the way of this possibility.

What your ex boyfriend told you and tells you when communicating with you every ten days or so, leads me to think that it is very unlikely that there will be a marriage there. As a man of few words (as you characterized him), when he tells you “that future is uncertain.  We might not get married’- I would take his word for it, with very little emphasis on the “might”.

If you cut all contact with the ex boyfriend and put him in your past, lose all hope, then maybe you will build a feeling of comfort about being physically involved with the new man.

anita

Dear anjum niklo:

I am glad you are practical in life. No doubt it will be a bad idea for you to marry this man for as long as the image of being physically intimate with him repulses you. Does he know you do not have a physical attraction to him personally, or does he think you are awkward about physical intimacy with men in general?

anita

Dear anjum niklo:

A few posts ago you wrote: “I’ve been every straight to him (the 38 year old man) since becoming. I told him I can’t connect and feel anything and physical touch makes me awkward.” Well you haven’t been straight with him. I will explain: he thinks you are “cold generally”, that you have a problem with physical intimacy with any man. It makes sense to me that he is hoping that you will either become comfortable over time, with being physically intimate with him or that you will develop that desire. He hopes to be The One to … cure you from that general coldness. This can very well be his motivation and this motivation is misguided.

It is misguided because he doesn’t have the correct information: that you are not generally cold, that you have and can experience sexual attraction to a man, only not with him. If he had this correct information, he could make a choice based on well.. correct information.

But I suppose you don’t want to lose the possibility of getting married to a man who is a head of an organization, a man your family approves of (partly if not mostly because he is the head of an organization, and financially more well off than others, I assume). Am I correct?

anita

Dear Anjum niklo:

You are not a terrible person for wanting to keep the option with this man open to you. Problem is it can become messy later, if he doesn’t know you are repulsed by him, he proceeds to propose, you feel especially anxious about your future, you buckle under this or that pressure and get married- that will be the mess you should avoid.

I didn’t know you are anxious until I read the last two lines, anxious about the future. Can you share more about your anxiousness? And about how your family and close friends are fueling your fear?

anita