Hi Mary,

I hope you are feeling better today and have a slight break from the thoughts going round in your head about him. I have been there and know how it feels.

From reading your post a few things stood out to me:

1) he is anxious too. It seems odd that he can say he loves you without knowing you. When this happened to me I felt so flattered but also kind of suspicious like hey you dont know me yet and you are talking about love. I dont know the answer here- either he wears his heart on his sleeve so falls in love quickly with people (and can fall out of love also quickly) or he is anxious so wants to push the relationship faster and faster so you dont leave him and he gets what he wants or a third option I haven’t thought of yet. I am sure there are lots of reasons.

2. It is so hard but you cant let your worth depend on him. I think our brains find it so easy to ruminate and ruminate on stuff especially when they get the ‘high’ of him writing back and acknowledging us but thay only temporarily ammends the anxiety until next time or until the phone call ends. I know how hard it is but things like yoga, walking, or distraction can help.

3. I couldn’t believe ‘someone like him’ could love ‘someone like me’. He was this brilliant peacock that walked into my life and I felt like a grey pigeon. But in liking me I felt a million dollars, loved, safe, secure, chemistry etc etc. It was an addictive feeling. But deep down I thought he would leave as I thought I dont deserve a man like him. He was also older (like in your situation) so I almost saw him as this demi God who knew “life” better than me, that had had all this relationship and life experience and I felt like a baby toddling behind him but not actually getting to his level.. which meant that I went out my way to please him.. which when I did felt amazing but when I didnt felt awful. This may not be the case in your situation.  All i can say is when he left I had to do the hard work of learning to like myself, learning to have self worth etc which is still ongoing and painful. He was like a short cut to those feelings but couldn’t give me them all the time (and that’s not the basis of a healthy relationship anyway) and so it’s back to square 1.

In terms of advice I would say leave him be and dont message him too much. He may be the kind of guy that likes the chase, and the thrill of it all e.g my guy that left said I was too nice and too emotional, so if you act harder to get and just like on your A game at work and with your hobbies and not wait for him to call he may be like wow this is a strong woman and someone I want to be with (as deep down he feels weak) and is someone who shows they are capable and able to handle stuff.

I may be way off the mark with this but I wanted to share these thoughts as its what came to mind as I read it.

In terms of the thoughts in your head. I would say the headspace app has helped me as has Michael Singer videos and also has learning about my myres briggs personality type as that has helped me have more compassion for myself. Yoga and walking or getting outside has also helped.

Dear Mary:

Here is your story as I understand it: At 21, you met a 25 year old man at work and liked him. He then contacted you and pursued you, and you fell in love with him(“it was so good like we are a perfect match”).

You went on a few dates with him and next thing, you panicked. Next your in-love feelings for him disappeared (it is what normally happens when fear overwhelms our hearts- loving feelings do disappear for as long as we are too scared).

Next you got scared even more because you don’t understanding how it can be that such strong loving feelings can disappear.

Next, you are still afraid, but less overwhelmed, so some  of those loving feelings return. But the fear is  still there: “worried as to whether he’s really interested in me.. if nothing changed about his feeling for me.. he’s just stringing me along”.

Next you bombard him with questions, such as: are you really interested in me, did anything change, etc. etc. Next you start arguing with him, accusing him of such things as not really being interested in you and stringing you along.

Next, he is overwhelmed with your fear and your anger and wants a break. Next, you feel scared and depressed and miserable: “I cried.. couldn’t go  to work.. couldn’t eat”.

Next, you get back together, but you are still scared, still asking him questions and arguing (?), so he withdraws, and you get even more scared, going “online to search for how  to know if he still loves you”.

You asked: “what do I do”? My answer: you have to relax, to find a way to lessen your fear every hour of the day, every day. There is a website that will help you with that, it’s called headspace. com. It has many guided meditations and mindfulness exercises designed to relax a person, to slow  down that overthinking brain.

Also: take responsibility for your fear and stop asking him the same questions. You are afraid that he will stop feeling love for you, so you ask him too many questions and argue with him, which bring you the result that you fear, because when you interrogate and argue with a person, that person is likely to lose his loving feelings for you!

So stop the interrogations and arguing.

More and more relaxed every day, no longer interrogating him and no longer arguing with him, you will be in a better shape to possibly have a healthy relationship with him, one that will not scare him or you!

anita

Dear Mary:

“I lost my feelings for him and this scared me a lot… I feel so much guilt saying the word (love).. it feels selfish”-

– it is quite common for girls/ very young woman to feel a strong loving feeling for a guy, next suddenly notice that the loving feeling disappeared, next get scared, as if something terrible happened. Next, the woman focuses on how she feels on and on: do I feel love now? What about now? Why don’t I feel it???

While all along, every single person on the face of the earth experiences, on a regular basis, that which is scaring you so much: everyone who feels love for someone, at times doesn’t feel that love. Even your boyfriend didn’t feel love for you all the time. Most of the time he is too busy or focused on something else, or even if he is not busy and thinking about you, sometimes he doesn’t feel love for you. The difference is that when it happens to him, he doesn’t get scared and he doesn’t worry about it.

Loving feelings are like water flowing on the ground after it rains. It flows for hours or days, and then it dries until it rains again. You can’t hold water in your hands like you would hold a rock, so better not expect to be able to do the impossible.

In addition to fear, you feel guilty for not feeling love for him, as if you were a criminal. And you feel selfish for being with him while not feeling love- while all along he too doesn’t feel loving feelings for you in-between the times that he does.

Does this make sense to you?

anita