Charles,

I am unsure how much help I can offer but I will attempt.

It is definitely difficult to find (positive) direction without the proper influences; especially so in today’s society where information quantity is more important than quality. Now, please forgive me if I am judging, but your writing style indicates that your thought processes are quite frenzied. Again, I apologize if I am wrong. In any case, and if I should be correct, when one seeks help it is important to be open minded and to thoroughly contemplate any advice, answers and/or suggestions we are given. If we simply neglect these things, believing them to be ‘nonsense’ according to our own logic, then change will never occur and growth will never transpire. With this said, first and foremost I believe you should try to calm your minds as best as you can. When we find our minds to be overly cluttered it is necessary to sometimes ‘reset’ in order to begin the process of restructuring our thoughts so we may come to more wholesome answers. As a beginner, do not think you will be able to achieve this on your first few attempts. Similar to a smoker trying to quit, it may take a number of tries. At first, try to empty your mind for a minute. Gradually, over the coming days/weeks, continue until you can achieve 10 minutes. This exercise is simply meant to help calm you but also increase your focus. Anymore than that, I believe, is unnecessary.

Secondly, this may come too easy (and cheap) for an answer but perhaps you may really need to look into religions. If you disregard the arguments of creation and existence of deities, you will find that religions are truly about healthy direction; that which you seek. Personally, I am a Taoist. I find absolute belief in ‘living in the middle’, as Taoism teaches. However, all religions, in their own form, offers this teaching of how to live in the ‘in-between’ and also has the capacity of revealing our aim in life. It is not necessarily just about believing if God exists, or Allah, or Vrishnu, or Buddha, etc… At it’s core, religions contain highly fundamental teachings to guide us with. I hope you will keep an open mind to this.

Lastly, as I often state to the members in these forums, never seek for quick and easy answers. Similarly to when you are caring for a plant, we must constantly nurture ourselves over long periods of time before we can blossom. Also, important things should always be done with care, don’t you think? Your life is important to you. It is proven by your seeking of help. And, your journey to betterment began exactly when you decided to post. You have improved already. 🙂

I hope this poor advice will be of help to you. If not, I am sure other members will come to contribute.

Al

ps: I apologize if I have made any grammatical errors.

Hello Charles!

Is it OK if I also offer my point of view, even though I’m not a man? 🙂

I have also been chronically depressed, and am now like a different person and tremendously grateful for that. I know what it feels like to be stuck in that depressed state of mind and I also know how there’s the need to avoid facing the painful things and pretend like everything’s just fine when something nice happens.

I think that it’s quite easy to fall into that trap, considering that we still have a primal part of our brains fully functioning, yet the society is very different. We can be stuck in a stressful situation even though we’re not directly under any threat. Of course we also try to avoid anything that’s painful, because that’s what we naturally do: avoid pain, strive for pleasure. That’s where the mindfulness comes in, because if you’ll leave your thoughts on auto-pilot, you’ll be stuck in that trap. It’s really not easy and would take a lot of practice, but the alternative, as you have noticed, is less than desirable.

Essentially this is the same thing that Al and Matt are pointing out, just said differently 🙂 Left unattended and uncontrolled, the mind will become cluttered and chaotic. To take control of the mind requires practice. That’s where the different types of meditation come in. It’s kind of like a workout for your brain, where you use it in a different way. Just like starting out with any exercise, at first it’s very difficult and straining. But the more you do it, the easier it becomes and the results will start to show in your everyday life, even when you’re not training.

From my personal experience, you can’t start controlling your mind with suppressing thoughts or arguing against yourself. Rather it’s like passive resistance against the ruminating mind. When a thought comes, just nod and acknowledge it, then let it go. To me, personally, it was helpful to think of it in a way that when ever I start to verbalize anything, I should just stop. I don’t need a constant narration of everything I see or hear. I focus more on just the senses and not trying to make sense of things. That’s how I got my mind-chatter silenced and it is a wonderful skill to have. I used to be really tired all the time, and now that’s gone. I also used to drink to silence the mind, but now I don’t have to. So what ever the technique is that you would use to get to a state where the mind is clear of chattering, it is worth it.

On top of that, when you do talk to yourself, be mindful of how you do it. Try to steer clear from negative self-talk. It’s not helpful. It would be like trying to accomplish something with someone constantly nagging at you that you can’t do it. Complete waste of energy and resources.

Also, I really think that you should treat yourself with kindness for a moment, and not focus on other people. Self-awareness is really, really difficult, so I think we tend to project and try to heal ourselves through other people. It’s like having a bleeding wound in your own arm, and then trying to cure it by wrapping a bandage around another person’s arm. Of course it not only works and makes your own condition worse, it also hampers the relationship you have with the other person. It is understandable why we do it, but it’s good to be aware of doing it. Be compassionate towards yourself, be kind towards yourself, send all the love that you have towards yourself.

I have tons of book recommendations, and probably none of them are specifically suitable for this situation 🙂 Taking care of yourself is in the same time really simple and easy, but also something that has taken a lot of time for me to figure out (and I’m still on that journey). Not any particular book has been helpful, but all of them have offered a different angle on the same issue. I’ve gotten help from Susan Anderson, David Richo, Nathaniel Branden, etc. Then something that seems to be completely unrelated, but has been helpful in figuring out the practicalities of taking control of your brain has been The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonical and The Practicing Mind by Thomas M. Sterner. I know that those really have nothing to do with depression, but they allowed me to understand the problem of having an unattended mind filled with chaos and stress, which does promote depression.

Regardless of which approach you’ll take, please be understanding and compassionate towards yourself. There might be breakthroughs that will make you feel invincible, and then you’ll come down and feel desperate again. There’s frustration and pain and confusion, but it is totally worth it all. Every step that you take on a path of healing is meaningful, even when you sometimes take steps back or get sidetracked. All the love that you’ll give yourself will accumulate over time and will win in the end, so don’t fret. Just be patient.

Charlie,
I found this Tiny Buddha article really helpful and you may too: http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/dealing-with-depression-10-ways-to-feel-positive-and-peaceful/