Dear XYZ:

In May this year you replied to a member. You wrote in your reply: “We can’t escape from our life how much we try”.

I say: when we experience a painful childhood, we can’t forget about it and escape that pain as adults. No matter how hard we try, we keep re-experiencing the same-old-same-old in different circumstances, different locations, different years and decades, forevermore- unless we return to that childhood so to examine it, to  understand it, to feel it again, to process it and make choices that need to be made. Only then we can leave the past behind and move on to a different kind of life.

If you are still living with your parents, it will be very difficult for you to examine your childhood because you are still interacting with your parents in the same ways as before, and that keeps your life the same.

I hope to read back from you.

anita

Dear XYZ,

There’s no mention of the culture that surrounds you and its messages that was instilled into you since you were born so not much to go on, but why do you believe that you are failing and that you must succeed at something? What’s driving this fear of not doing anything special with your life? And why the need to compare your success to other people? Do you see that they are happy and you envy that? Or is it something else?

Also, why are other people’s happiness something that makes you unhappy when it has nothing to do with you? Your happiness has nothing to do with them unless you choose to make it so, so what’s the story?

Dear XYZ:

We humans are social animals, and like any social animal we care how others in our society (be it the coyote social group, the elk herd, or our family/school/company where we work, etc.) view us. It is in our genes, in our nature. When a social animal is rejected by its social group it, it is devastating for the rejected individual. No wonder then, that when you were rejected by kids your age (your social group) as a child, it devastated you.

Here is the rejection: “I wasn’t warmly accepted by kids my age. I was more of an outcast. People made fun of me, and I was never part of a group“.

A social animal has to be part of a group, it is in the definition of social in “social animal”, and humans are very much social animals. Even if you did live in a cottage in the woods, you would still need other people once in a while.

Not only were you rejected as a kid by other kids, but the society where you live rejects people who lag behind the competition in grades, and later, income made (“In Asia, studies is deeply related to prestige and I lagged behind in studies… The culture is a very competitive one.  Our worth is judged by society by our social packages… The person who earns more, is more respected in the society where I live”).

This means that society, people you never met, already reject you simply because of your lesser grades and lesser income. So when you meet people, you reasonably assume that they will reject you once they find out about your grades and later, your income.

*By the way, I don’t know of a society where a person is  not judged by the size of their income/ their financial worth.

“I am so deep in self hate.. I hate.. myself for not trying hard to be successful, for being lazy..”- when an individual is rejected by the group, the individual gets angry with herself, the one being rejected.

“I hate a lot of persons…jealous of many people. I can’t say I want them to be happy.. I hate everyone “- when an individual is rejected by the group, the individual  gets angry at the rejecting group. This anger is natural. It is not an indication of bad character, it is an automatic result of being rejected. Everyone gets angry when rejected, at themselves and at those doing the rejecting. No one is “wired for compassion” for those doing the rejecting.

What-to-do— unlike other social animals, we are capable of language and elaborate thinking. We have that advantage, so let’s use it for  our advantage: when a student in school, in your very competitive society, gets a perfect grade, can she or he guarantee getting a perfect grade from then on forevermore? What kind of anxiety do students with perfect grades experience when anticipating the next exam, and the next? And what kind of devastation do they experience when they get a lesser grade?

An adult, making high income, does he  or she notice that others are making more money, seeing  that others have more expensive cars, staying at more expensive hotels when traveling, feeling resentment, wondering why he/ she is making less money, angry for being lazy in comparison?

Look around you at people. Don’t look at the vehicles they drive, the clothes they wear, their job titles and income on papers/ computer records, words and numbers. Look at their faces and bodies- are they ecstatic, smiling from ear to ear, euphoric?

It is difficult to look at the bigger picture, like I am suggesting, when you are focused on this one small corner of the bigger picture, thinking: I-am-less-than, I-have-failed. It feels so devastatingly  convincing, that we think this really is all of Reality, the Whole Picture.

But it is not all of reality, and it is not the whole  picture.

If you want, post again with your thoughts and feelings, and we can continue to communicate.

anita

Dear XYZ:

In your original post you wrote: “I’ve tried some self-compassion and loving kindness (metta) meditations but they always say affirmations like May All be Happy, May all be fulfilled”-

In your recent post to me, you wrote: “All other successful people seem so happy. They are always smiling, cheerful. They are so perfect”-

-if they are all happy and fulfilled, why wish them what they already have (the metta meditations)? I am guessing your thinking when repeating “May All be Happy, May all be fulfilled” is something like: but they are already happy! They are already fulfilled! I am the only one who  isn’t happy and fulfilled!!

Is that your thinking?

anita