Hello TinyBuddha Community,

I just have something weighing heavy on my chest, and I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about it. I started seeing a counselor but… my first session didn’t really feel like it went anywhere.

I’m just very confused, and my heart and mind, and spirit feels weighed down by all of this.

Just to provide a bit of background, I just turned 31. The only friend I have in my life is my childhood best friend who lives on the opposite side of the country. I reside in the east coast, and she lives at the west. We literally talk/text everyday. I’m a lesbian, and my best friend is a straight woman.

We’ve known each other since we were 8 years old. I moved a lot as a kid, but somehow, her and I managed to remain connected via phone, email, then eventually social media. Throughout the course of those years, we’ve had our fallouts but always end up coming back together in each other’s lives despite the physical distance between us.

I started developing romantic feelings for her when she was going through her first break up in 2012. She was an emotional mess at that time. In her state of vulnerability, she often would say things that indicated she was questioning her sexuality. I was convinced her breakup was messing up with her psyche so I never once entertained what she was saying, and would always brush them off. I gave her emotional comfort by staying up all night on the phone with her throughout her heart break so she didn’t have to deal with it alone. But I never gave her the attention she was desperately seeking at that time, which was the validation that she’s desirable. She turned to men who eventually took advantage of her and used her for sex. It hurt me to see her do that to herself, and no matter how much I tried to drill some sense into her, her low self-esteem made her too stubborn to listen to any reason. It resulted to her going through cycles of getting hurt, used, and tossed away. It became difficult to watch someone I had feelings for and genuinely cared about degrade herself over and over again. Not to mention the seething jealousy I would feel, so I had to detach myself from her. I had told her I needed to focus on myself at that time, and she respected my wishes.

After a few months of not talking, we reconnected again. She had met a guy who she settled to have had an intimate relationship with but was never exclusive since he already had a girlfriend. They were ‘friends’ with benefits, except she was in love with him, whereas, he only used her for sex. She kept this guy around for 5 years believing he’ll eventually leave his girlfriend and fall for her too. This guy was toxic, and she began exhibiting those toxic traits herself. He would gaslight her, belittle her, and emotionally abuse her, which she later began doing to me. This caused us to have multiple fallouts, i.e me cutting her off, then her eventually reaching out to me, my dad, and everyone I know, to get me back in her life again. This seems to be a pattern with our dynamic. Around this time, I believed I lost those feelings I had for her since I was exposed to and interacted with other women, although I never actually had an official girlfriend.

I tried to date other women, but it never went anywhere because I struggled to find anyone I have chemistry with.

In 2016, she did the best and possibly the wisest decision ever, and eventually cut off the toxic jerk in order to focus her on her studies. It was also around this time I moved back to the west coast with a roommate for better opportunities and to be able to live closer to her. We hung out on a frequent basis, and the more we spent time together, the more I began to notice how truly beautiful she was, and started falling for her again. Not just aesthetically or physically, but I found beauty in things she never even noticed nor knew about herself. Like her confused face, the way she looks when she’s in deep thought, the way she laughs, or even the expression she makes when she feels awkward. I fell for her core essence and her mind. I tried my best to suppress it. In fact, I acted the complete opposite of how I felt, and because I was so determined to show her I never once considered her in that way, I would excessively talk about other women I’m interested in. I even tried to date another woman hoping I could snap myself out of it, but the feelings stubbornly remained.

One day, we planned on watching a movie in the theaters together. Since I didn’t want to create a romantic or intimate atmosphere that could make my feelings obvious, I asked her to invite one of her friends. This had backfired because the guy she invited was super touchy feely with her, and she would allow it. Not just allow it, but she would giggle and act like she was enjoying it. I ended up feeling like the third wheel, completely ruining my entire night, and made my heart burst. So after the night was over, I texted her confessing everything. This… was probably the most pivotal moment in the course of our friendship.

After everything was said and done, her conclusion was I was merely confused. I had then asked for space and some distance from each other because I knew her response meant the feelings were one sided. She didn’t think we needed the space, but I know I did for myself. I needed to heal and get over her. Talking to her was just not something I could do at that time, so I flat out ghosted her.

After 2 months, we reconnected again and tried to stay friends. This time I was invested in another older woman, and I think I was finally over her. However, our friendship went sour and turned for the worst. Around that time, I’d assumed since we were past everything, I’d make lighthearted jokes about my little ‘crush’ for her, but she would flip out and tell me to never bring it up again. She was angry and told me she felt ‘violated’ and felt like her sister coming onto her. The word ‘violated’ triggered me because all I said was I ‘liked’ her, whereas her guy friends would talk to her in a degrading (misogynistic) and objectifying manner, and she would giggle about it. I never even once came onto her. There was even a time she asked me to go to the dressing room with her and I declined. I even explained the whole purpose of my confession was not to get her to date me, but because it was eating me up inside. I even reassured her I knew she would never see me in that way. We fought a lot, and she went back to her toxic ways, which led to me finally cutting her off again for years.

I eventually moved back to the east coast with my family. In the span of 3 years, she continually messaged my dad just to check how I’m doing and telling him she misses me. Around

November 2020, she reached out to my dad again telling him she has Covid, and she really wants to talk to me. I felt remorseful and eventually caved, so I sent her a message just wishing her well. I debated in my mind whether or not it would be a good idea to let her back in my life again. I was afraid to get hurt by her again. I was afraid of the possibility of falling for her again. I made the choice to take that risk and opened that door back again. I had convinced myself, whatever this leads to, will just ultimately lead me to growth and lessons learned. I thought this time I would be stronger. I thought this time I’d have enough common sense. I chose to reconnect with her because I needed a friend. I somehow believed I’d be able to keep my feelings merely platonic. I even prayed to God to please never let me get confused again. But I was wrong…

My friend is suffering from long haul Covid, so she experiences the high and low symptoms of Covid itself despite recovering from it. She’s been suffering from the symptoms for 2 years now. Sometimes late at night, when she’s feeling really vulnerable, she would say things like “I have a feeling your soulmate is (in her location).” I would brush it off, and just say “maybe”, and change the topic. She would say these ambiguous things that implies more than friendship, and I don’t know if she’s doing this on purpose or confusion, but I don’t know. We went back to our habit of texting literally every single day.

I feel like I’m on this dangerous position, because I literally do not have anyone else in my life but my family. She’s literally my only friend, and I have no other friends here. Any friends I had, I fell out with them 2 years ago. I work from home so I don’t even get to interact nor socialize with anyone. She’s the only person I can open to and feel the most myself with. So now given the circumstance, I feel like me falling for her is something inevitable. My feelings have re-developed again, and it tortures me every day.

Currently, she’s working as a nurse in a clinic, and she’s exposed to other people and men who are her type. Ironically, she briefly developed a crush on this other male nurse, who turned out to be a happily married gay man. When she became infatuated with him and talked about him with such desire and passion, it felt like a dagger in my chest, but I had to pretend not be affected by it. She began reiterating and emphasizing that she’s straight and she could never be with a woman. Every single time she uttered those words, I would feel gutted.

Earlier in the week, I woke up with chest pains and heart palpitations. Like my chest felt tight and sore. I called the nurse line from my health insurance, and I was advised to get an EKG test because I was having symptoms of a heart attack. I went to urgent care only to find out it’s caused by anxiety and stress. I briefly did research on it, and found a condition called ‘broken heart syndrome’. I didn’t even realize things would get this bad to a point where it would physically affect my heart.

So now here I am… I still have this discomfort, piercing feeling in my chest as we speak. I began distancing myself from her this week because talking to her is just messing with my mind. It’s crazy how at one point she felt like my safe place. I’m not sure where things are going at this point in time. I’m not really sure how to deal with any of this. I know the possible solution is maybe just get out and socialize, and get to know other people, but it’s not that simple for me.

It’s not like I can just go up to someone and ask them to be my friend. Friendships also take time to develop, and you need to be in the right circumstance and place, and have constant exposure to.

Well… that’s what has been on my mind for about 2 years now. If you managed to read the whole thing, thank you! I appreciate it. I’m sorry it’s so long, and maybe a bit redundant but I just have to really release everything. In fact, there’s a lot more, and this is actually just the condensed version of it.

Any feedback, advice, or opinion on the situation is more than welcome. I’ll feel comforted knowing someone out there knows my reality, because I don’t know who else I can talk to about this. Normally, it would be her I tell everything to, but this one I can’t. We’ve already had this conversation before and she got upset. I don’t want to ruin it again.