Elms,

I’m sorry for your difficulties and mental spinning that you’re experiencing. I know how painful it can be to sit with the unknown. Consider that she is asking for space, and you’re not giving it to her. If she pointed at the car as the source of her wanting distance, I doubt it is anything more than a symbol to her (we sometimes have roaming concrete reasons, such as failing, then the car etc), but without knowing her, it is only conjecture.

In contrast to lily’s suggestion of getting rid of the car, which seems well intentioned but misdirecting, consider that your missing her has become obsessive, and is collapsing the space she has asked for. When you sense her pulling back, you dive forward again and again, which pushes her further back. At this point, she could be either confused about what she wants, or doesn’t like you anymore. Its a toughy to repair, but if it can be salvaged, there will be a few key steps involved.

First, you have needs for love, attention, and affection, and she is not a good source for you. Its sometimes called codependency, depending on the specific conditions, but basically the obsessive need that arises is perhaps because you do not spend enough time self nurturing. Start a meditation practice (especially metta), take a bath, write… some activities that are kind and gentle to yourself. Over time this will nourish your self love, which will make you a source of love, rather than a cup in need of filling. Said differently, Lois Lane did not even see Clark Kent, who scrambled after her like a bumbling fool. She had love at first sight for Superman, who was busy giving and sharing his gift with others.

Secondly, stop invading her space. Let her go to be who she is trying to be, and try to be supportive of her on her journey. Let your creativity open up and become giving, instead of your wanting coming at her. Perhaps some flowers for her desk, so as she is studying her space is a little more beautiful? Maybe she has a favorite food or dessert or something that brings a smile to her heart, and either make it or drop it off. No expectations, not even wanting to see her. Just anything that might make her journey better, with or without you. Things that might make her space brighter for her, without expectation or desire for it to produce closeness… but rather wanting her to be happy even though she needs the space. Use your creativity and heart, and try to find ways of being genuinely supportive.

That being said, sometimes hearts just close to someone and never reopen in a romantic way. If the trust has been bruised deeply enough, all of your attempting will do little or nothing, in terms of reignition of passion. However, if all is lost with her, than getting into patterns of self nurturing and being supportive (even when its difficult) will help you in your next intimacy. They are qualities that are needed, like light and water for a plant. If the current one is withered beyond growth depends on her roots, her heart.

Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

I have to echo Matt’s sentiments. Don’t let her insecurities becomes yours.

I realize she’s been let down in the past, but does that mean you have to walk on egg shells for the rest of your life ensuring that you don’t accidentally trigger a past hurt?

I’ve been down that road before and from your description it’s very much a case of co-dependency. You wanting to be the knight in shining armor who will do anything and everything to keep her, take care of her, even if it means sacrificing yourself, your needs, your wants. Becoming subservient, less than, because she’s the one who has struggled all her life and you want to make everything better. I can hear so much berating yourself, “I’m not good enough..”, “I can do better…”

There is a better way to love and live. There are women out there who have overcome their past pains and insecurities, who are independent and wouldn’t care how you spend your money because they don’t need you to support or take care of them – they want to be with you for just because of who you are and how you make them feel. They don’t scrutinize your every move or word, constant checking for validation and proof of your love, waiting for you to slip up so they can prove their own theory, “There! I knew it! You’re just like every other man. If you loved me, you wouldn’t….”

A relationship shouldn’t have to be a powerful struggle – one person having the upper hand in a situation. You come in together as equals, you love as equals, you argue as equals, you resolve conflicts as equals, and you make up as equals. No groveling. Not being made to feel ashamed or guilty. No mind games or ploys. Just open and honest direct communication stemming from a heart and mind that are stable.

Trust me, there is a better way.