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I'm Making a Mess/Self – Harm

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  • July 30, 2015 at 7:56 am #80851
    Amby
    Participant

    I’ve always had anxiety as long as i can remember i had to be reminded not to worry so much. People would tell me i took life too seriously etc…
    I recently started a new job its very demanding the people can be unkind the workload is too great and i’m constantly afraid of making a mistake. However when i go to my supervisor they tell me how amazing i’m doing. I’m upset with myself because i feel as though i left a job that i love only to be miserable. The anger led me to self punish and in my anger induced punishment i scratched my arm with a paper clip. I’ve only done this once before but this time i imagine because it was at night the marks are much deeper and have left dark lines on my forearm. I’m now terrified the scars won’t heal, I’m terrified that my boyfriend will flip out or break up with me once he finds out what a basket case i am. I’m just so upset with myself with these scars, I feel as though i was doing so well and i came to this job and now i’m going downhill and i don’t want this one act of weakness to define me. I”m not a cutter i don’t want to continue its just sometimes the emotions are overwhelming and i need something to soothe the pain and quiet my thoughts. I desperately need a distraction, I’m at work now and my day started out good until i looked at my marks i keep rubbing mederma on them they are very light so i hope they fade but every time i look at them i get angrier. Its so not me i’m stronger then that and I don’t want to be labeled something i’m not I just want to forget that moment ever happened. I’m not sure what i even hope to gain from writing this, I just want to know that i’m not alone and that this lapse in judgement doesn’t define me,I’m also afraid of becoming a burden on others i don’t want them to worry about me or worse have pity. I feel like i should tell my boyfriend about the scratches but i don’t want to because we’ve been talking about building a life together that’s part of why i took this new job because i wanted us to have the money to live comfortably and i wanted to be supportive of us and our future. Instead i feel like its showing all the cracks in my foundation hes not going to want me anymore he thinks i’m well adjusted and i did too. Now i feel like a screw up the last thing i’d ever want to do is make his life harder by being with me. I need to find a way to take control of my life again and feel ok….Is there a way to move past this without it defining who i am?

    July 30, 2015 at 8:00 am #80854
    Amby
    Participant

    I think i should also mention i recently starting seeing a therapist.

    July 30, 2015 at 8:05 am #80855
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Amby:

    Your post is a classic example of Catastrophizing, a thinking distortion. I think you’d be a perfect candidate for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) where thinking distortions are examined and corrected over time. There are ways, tools to do that. Catastrophizing is responsible for much of your anxiety. Here is one act: you scratched your arm with a paper clip. One act. From there your mind goes to being defined by that act, that act becoming a permanent physical and character trait, visible for all to see and to reject you, professionally and personally. Like you wrote it was a temporary lapse of judgment, not a permanent one.

    Another distorted thinking is Perfectionism: you think any and every mistake you make is unacceptable adn defines you as a mistake. The truth is making mistakes is unavoidable, part of being human and although you can prevent some mistakes, you will be making mistakes no matter what. Believing you can live a day with no mistakes… is a mistake, a mistaken belief.

    CBT, I say.
    anita

    July 30, 2015 at 1:47 pm #80884
    ivan
    Participant

    I want to say first congratulations to you for the willingness to change your anxiety. It’s going to be really hard to heal but I know that you will do that. Look around yourself. You constantly see people who have their lives being or already destroyed because of the negative power they give over their thoughts. Thats how stress starts to destroy us. You see. The percentage of people around the world that die from cancer is going through the roof. Ask yourself. Do I want to be that guy, that woman, those people. Now if you realize that it is very important to invest in the opposite, the positive, the light, God’s will. This is the only way we all are going to evolve to a higher state of consciousness. We need to work for love. So here are my tools of healing that I can give you and it’s going to be brief since the topic is very complex. Notice what you are eating: toxic food can do a major mess to your body, not only by making you fat but also by shadowing your mind through hormonal imbalances, high blood cholesterol etc. Good foods like greens, veggies, fruits, meat in healthy, adjusted to your body doses of course,herbs and others can literally heal you from the inside out. Watch Paul Chek in YouTube for additional info in that regard. He will teach you much other things as a holistic teacher. I achieved great mental strength and clearness thanks to elliott hulse. Again in YouTube. He is the main reason for the blossoming of myself as an individual. Do some physical activity. Go to the gym, run outside or do whatever you would like in that regard. This is another great tool for positive change. Inform yourself about chakras, meditation, crystals, yoga, prayers and God (it’s best to know from here that the religious approach, although it’s good, it can really conceive fear and fog over your understanding of life. Go with the understanding that everything is God, we are part of him and so we are One. Powerful eh?) Or shortly, learn more about the spiritual things. If you think that these are one big woo woo peace of nonsense then just do your research and realize that Spirit is real and affects our mentality and physical wellbeing and vice versa. Spirit science is a great channel to help you with that. Both in Facebook and YouTube. SO this was my short answer. seriously. I tried to be really short. As I said : you will change. I know that and I send my positive intentions for your success. Peace and love – ivan

    August 5, 2015 at 5:48 pm #81304
    Karla
    Participant

    Dear Amby,
    After reading your post I wanted to give you advice from a previous self-harmer(Not that I am proud of it, its simply the truth). Let me first give you a quick backstory: I myself was a self harmer and I would have moments of rage, self loathe, and various other negative emotions that would fuel me to self harm. The way that I stopped was by first finding out what started my emotions and found an outlet to it. For example I was filled with so much rage that I cut, bruised, and even considered burning at some point. So after a while I hated the habit that I developed so I instead threw away all the objects that I even considered using to harm myself with then I found something that I either loved or something that helped me release that pent up emotion. I tried martial arts and now I can just channel that emotion out through physical exercise. My advice for you is to just find a way to let out that emotion without causing harm to yourself or others. And really realize that even if times are hard you have to keep pushing through them so that one day you can reach that moment of happiness.

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