Ten years ago, at the age of nineteen, I packed a bag of clothes, my cocker spaniel pup and left my secure full time job as an assistant manager at a major retail chain, to pursue my strong business skills, in the world of marketing. Though I secured a good job at a prestigious financial institution in a city three hours away, it was difficult to work in a sexist good old boys environment, and I eventually hit full blown alcoholism. Between the misery within my company and the bad decisions I made in the dating world, I continued to hit rock bottom, numerous times.

I eventually met my now fiancee, two and a half years ago. We were neighbors with a fairytale meeting. He moved to that city from halfway across the country, in order to follow in his fathers footsteps in a prestigious industry, himself. When we met, my alcoholism was out of control. He gave me the ultimatum three months in: him or the drink. I chose him, quit drinking overnight, and never looked back. I have been sober for over two and a half years.

Nearing a full year of sobriety, I began to feel the strong urge to move back to my hometown and get away from the cold souls in the city I resided. I told my fiancee I had to leave to regain my sanity. He made a phone call to a company in my hometown and we moved two weeks later.

My fiancee was kind to give me some time off to relax and recover from post traumatic stress disorder. A kid from humble roots, I have worked hard to support myself – and my addiction – most often to the point of burn out. I also had a lot of abuse trauma to recover from. The first several months of relaxation were wonderful. I researched all variations of mental health, addiction and connected with my higher power. I rediscovered my talents and dreams of becoming a creative writer and eventually an author. I reached out to all the strong women I knew personally or wanted to know more about, who overcame adversities in their life, seeking ways to improve on my end. As a child I would spend my days holed up in my room listening to the great musical genius’ of all time, while writing stories of hope and inspiration, suspense and sorrow, harmony and greed. Every day life that I witnessed as years passed by. Writing ignites my passion and I feel empty without it.

Then it came time to find a job. My fiancee suggested real estate. I live in a very popular city where it could be lucrative. The only problem is, it’s a difficult industry to get started in. I became licensed and had five brokers with impressive titles, affiliated with local boards, try to recruit me or use me based off my talents and look. They all said I brought talent to the industry that not many people had. One brokerage even had me convinced I would be a million dollar lister in no time, partnering me with an associate broker to launch the luxury division.

This became a disappointment though, after I began to realize that the partner wanted an apprentice to do everything he didn’t want to do, for nothing, and zero training. Being in a financial bind, after my fiancee’s job market crashed and he joined real estate with me, I decided to partner up with my fiancee instead. We have been floundering for months without any leads or hope on where to go, what to do to make the phone ring.

I joined a group for recovering alcoholics but it does not seem to work well for me and found more comfort and growth in spirituality through the local buddhist zen center. I am also looking forward to securing a therapist once income starts to come in.

Lately though, with the pressure increasing, I find myself often confused. Lost and sad. Where I used to be a go-getter, workaholic, I can’t find any motivation to do it all over again in an industry I’m not passionate about, even as life quickly crashes around me. All I want to do in life is write. I have made good friends through my writing. And with real estate looking bleak, I know I must find a temporary job but I am afraid of ending up with more misery from more corporate drama. I settled before and it left me in a very dark place. I wish to live free, sharing my heart and wisdom to all those who can benefit. Provide stories to those who want to escape to a world far away from their own. People say to “let it go and it will come” but there is no time to waste. So I feel pressured again, to settle for less than my dreams.

I have also searched for writing jobs online, however, lately my writing has a sadness to it and I am afraid of that coming across in my articles I would submit for review. I would like to find a positive perspective on things instead of barraging potential employers with my sadness, which is why I am reaching out, today.

Thank you for listening to my concerns. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. How to get out of the slump and pursue your dreams…and once you obtain joy, how to relax and maintain that joy. I try meditation which worked for awhile, but with everything so overwhelming lately, it’s to no avail…