Hey Prakashraj,

I suggest you regularly maintain a journal and start volunteering seriously in an NGO for a few days. I will be pretty upfront with you on this – there are more challenging events to come in life and losing hope like this, hating others will not help you at all. Right now, your mind is stuck in victim mode – your situation is bad and everyone is pissing you off but see things for what they are – you are 18, you have a family, a roof over your head, people who will care for you in case something really bad happens – but screwing yourself over because of loneliness and some girl rejecting you isn’t worth it. Rejections happen in life, people will disappoint you and you will have to bounce back – life goes on. I am not saying I don’t understand the pain of loneliness, heart-break and depression – I do and that is why I implore you to consider the alternatives.

Take baby steps to combat your own negativity – try counselling for free say on yourdost.com – a few of the counsellors there are really good and I can recommend a few to you.

This too shall pass – over the years this is what I have realised – people overcome grief, abuse and tragedy – God knows what – we underestimate our ability to heal over time and overestimate what we can do to change in a day

The first step you can start with is do one good thing, one thoughtful thing for anyone a day without trying to take credit or expecting anything…I remember that day I was supposed to treat myself to this awesome takeaway after studying hard for an exam but in the end, I ended up buying ice-creams for the street kids. Haha, the seller thought I was a bit nuts but I dunno, it made me happy..during that time, I was just recovering from a major depressive episode, suicidal tendencies and had stated to get a grip oon life again. The guy I had loved for 6 years had broken my heart into pieces and that betrayal in the relationship shook me so hard – meanwhile, college placements tanked too.

And no one understood or even wanted to help while i was in this state – they were too busy in their own lives to care. I realised how alone i was and i had to somehow live through this either way…but you know, despite all of this – life goes on. Better things come, we develop the means to survive and thrive despite the pain.

I am sure you will find the way too but please don’t neglect your studies and future for this. You might not see that a good future is out there but trust me, you will regret thinking like this soon. One life, one chance – don’t waste your oppurtunities.

Regards,
Nina

Hi prakashraj

I think everyone on here has been through tough times one way or the other so we can empathise.

You’re clearly overwhelmed by all your emotions but the important thing to realise here is that you do have a choice in how to respond to your situation.

I don’t know if you’ve heard of Viktor Frankl but he was a psychiatrist who survived the concentration camps. While he was in Auschwitz, suffering the most unimaginable degradation, he came to realise that no matter what we go through in life, nothing can take away our freedom to choose our attitude to what we face. In our case, we can choose to take responsibility for our own way forward out of our misfortune.

I don’t know if this helps, but what I did when life seemed to be going out of control was to get a pen and paper and write down a list of what I could do to change or help my situation. I knew no one could help me unless I helped myself. You’re very brave, you’ve taken the first step to moving forward. Now take the next one.

Good luck

Pete

Dear prakashraj:

My recommendation is that you attend psychotherapy with a competent, empathetic therapist.

It reads to me that you were very hurt in the context of relationships with other people, before the experience with the girl you mentioned in this thread and the one before.

I think that it is this deep hurt that is the reason you feel so lonely when you are around people. As I understand it, people have come to represent pain coming your way. Am I correct?

anita

After having similar experiences and feelings I found that a great deal of it was influenced by the stories I was telling myself. I would constantly replay conversations and past memories of perceived failings, longing for do overs, if only, should have, could have, a consent stream of negative self-talk.

Of course I was aware of all the self-help advice to change the stories and think positive however I wasn’t able to do that.

Like you my attempt at meditation and positive thinking would end badly as I got overwhelmed by past memories and associated negative self-talk. Worse I added the failure of not being able to create a better story or positive thinking to the list to make myself feel worse. (It occurred to me that I might be addicted to feeling bad.)

I wasn’t able to replace the negative stories with positive thinking but wondered if I could just stop telling story’s in those moments.

I set the intention to noticed when I was telling my victim or villain stories and the stop. Instead of filling the space with analyses or “positive” thinking, I would take a breath and focus on doing what I was currently doing.

It was odd as I started to notice an empty space in which in which I could be a detached observer and better respond to the experience.

I had to be careful as I didn’t want to become detached from my experiences or feeling and become apathetic. It’s a difficult balance as the lure to detach fully from feeling is a temptation for me.

However by not filing every space with a stories, replays and analyses, positive or negative, it has helped in creating a space where it became possible be and not get lost in frantic inner reactions.

I still at times feel empty, lost and detached, dead to my experiences, however by stopping the self-talk and not filling the space in I am less likely during those times to use the experiences to spiral deeper into the pit, essentially beating myself up for beating myself up, for beating myself up, for feeling bad, for feeling bad, for feeling unhappy, for feeling unhappy….. (Which is what I was addicted to, feeling something by feeling bad about myself)

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Peter.

I don’t know what I would add to what the others have already said, so I think I will just say thank you for your post.
I have been in and out of the valley of despair many times throughout my life. And although 18 is a long time ago, it still seems like yesterday (I suspect it will until I die). When in the valley I have learned to tell myself that although it seems hopeless and there is no way out, I have been here many times before and somehow I always find my way back out again and sooner or later I will find my way out of this one. Maybe it helps, but if it does, it sure does not feel that way when I am at the bottom. I am a good deal beyond 18 now, I am at the top of the hill (or a bit over to be honest) and starting to look down the hill. Yet once again, I find myself in a valley of despair. When I was younger, the despair ripped at my soul and burned deeply. Now that I am older, I have been tempered and don’t feel it as acutely. The tradeoff is the deeply felt disappointment that at this point in my life, I am once again in the valley. One consolation is that I do remember the times when I have climbed back out of the valley, up onto the mountain and looked back, I could see the beauty of the entire landscape. It all makes sense from up there. Yet when back down in the valley, feeling tired and beaten by life, looking up at the climb ahead, just to get back to where I once was, that beauty is just a distant memory and I always wonder if it was real or just something I imagined. Intellectually I understand that without the valley, the mountain top is not quite as high and the view is not quite so spectacular. The valley is a beautiful place to look down at from above, but a hellish place to be stuck in looking up at the steep climb before me.
Anyway, like I said, I find myself once again in a valley. I was doing a bit of journaling (well “we” were doing a bit of self-psychotherapy to be succinct) when an idea for a post come on me and when I logged on to post it, I stumbled across your post and the title drew me in. Your post reminded me that though I can’t see you, you and many others are in these valleys along with me, and that, for some reason does help.
So thanks for your post, and I hope you find your way out soon.

Dear prakashraj:

Regarding getting rid of the distressing feeling you experience when you see the girl with other boys, unfortunately there is no way to do that. A feeling is automatic. You see her and automatically you feel what you feel. What you can do maybe, if possible, is see her less. When you do see her, take deep breath and comfort yourself (self talk; talk to yourself like you are a distressed child, be kind, gentle and patient with the child).

If she approaches you in the future- and you feel distress and confusion about her approach- tell her that you will get back to her a day or two after. In other words, you buy time. During that time you relax, think clearly and prepare your response. You are welcome to post here for input during that time, if it comes.

anita