Five years ago I married the love of my life. It was a really difficult thing to achieve, as his family was firmly against and caused us a lot of problems, while meanwhile we were trying desperately to get them to believe I deserved him. What made matters worse is that we had no money at the time and rushed into a court wedding which we did not tell them about until much later. We were still happy though, until the moment, 6 months into our married life, when I found out I was pregnant. I was still keeping hopes that the in-laws will accept me some day (and they were not aware of our wedding yet), so I immediately chose abortion, although it was one of the toughest decisions in my life. I could not bear the thought that someone will mistreat my child and call them a “bastard” only because we did not have a proper wedding in a church but instead married in a court against their will. I remember thinking at this time that God will definitely punish us but I was hoping we were doing the right thing. My husband was supportive of my decision, even though he riassured me that if I wanted to keep the baby he is ready to cut ties with his whole family forever to avoid me suffering. Again, I could not bear causing this to him either.

so, the punishment came in the form of a promotion from work which made me encounter a person that had strong interest in me. Somehow I fell for him too and things got bad after my husband was becoming more and more supportive financially of his family and allowing them to disregard me as a factor for anything. Needless to say, I cheated. He found out. The guy was in love with me. My husband went out of his mind. He tried to take his life and sent me a photo of his cut wrists, which got me even more mad because to me he was forcing himself to me, refusing to admit that his parents were what drove me away from him (I never understood if he was actually planning to commit a suicide or if this was an act). Then He started calling people and telling them of what I’d done and it came to a point I had to leave my family house because my own mother and sister attacked me to defend him in a screaming session we had. I left my home and had nowhere to go, so the guy that liked me so much helped me by giving me shelter. I was living with him and we were happy, yet in the back of my head I was thinking about my husband all the time. One day (after I finally found a place of my own few weeks later) I went to my husband and we talked a lot. We eventually got back together and I thought that the other guy will give up on me but he didn’t. I did not want to tell him where I was living because I felt he could harm my husband, but we were still speaking and seeing daily due to work.

Fast forward almost two years now and my husbands family has already accepted me, we are living alone and have plans of building a future together (including kids). The issues with my family got much better and now we keep in touch. The guy eventually found out about me changing my address and started living with a girl he bluntly told me does not love but he prefers to stay with her to being lonely. I deeply care about him and so does he, however I recently realized I am still having feelings for him (or some other “condition”, due to which I can’t let go of him and need to know heyas feelings for me). I know this is a destructive path and what makes it worse is that I am happy with my husband and he did change a lot for the better for the sake of our marriage but I can’t stop the urge to stay close to this guy and enjoy his company. There was a time he wanted me to hug him and I was not so keen, today he brought me a small and thoughtful gift and I hugged him. It felt like I was embracing a rock. I know he loves me because he has no reason to be in touch with me otherwise-he has a girlfriend, friends and tons of work to do while at the office. Yet for some reason I came back home and started crying as if I did not see it coming. I have no idea how to manage my pain. I am not suicidal but I feel very depressed and I cannot speak to anyone about it because I need to keep people under the impression that I know what I’m doing (otherwise why was the whole drama about?!).

I think about him, remember moments together with him and can’t control my heartbeat when he is around. I am unable to quit my job for at least one more year and that means I either have to get over this state of mind, or I will suffer and it will get worse and worse.

I would appreciate hearing from someone who had been in a similar situation. I know chances are small, but if anyone sees my post and has a suggestion of how I can get over my feelings for this guy (who by the way was dating girls while I was still considering a divorce and is generally a bit fluctuating in his emotions), please share your thoughts. This is my first post of such kind-please bear with me if I am not being clear or good with my English at the moment. I feel very emotional…