One thing you need to keep in mind is that you can get past this. The reason why you’re like this is because you got out of an intense devastating relationship. She caused a lot of turmoil in your life and it caused a lot of damage to your self-esteem believe it or not.

I would not tell your current girlfriend. If she is not worth losing, don’t put yourself at risk of losing her. That will be your biggest regret.

The problem is, you never exactly got your closure. Which is okay, you’ll eventually move past that when you’re ready. You need to give yourself time. Trust me, you will forget about this girl. You can’t freak out over missing her. She was a part of your life for 2 years. You know shell do the same to this guy, so I wouldn’t worry too much.

Hi David,

I am curious to know how you are getting on know with this? Have you made progress and are you still with the current partner? Your story is almost identical to what i have been going through. I dated someone for 6 months which she ended a year ago and i am still struggling with some cravings to try and go and talk to the ex even though she has made no effort to approach me at any point. We have had the odd text on her birthday but that was it. I am in a new relationship for last 6 months and similar to you she is prettier, more understanding and we get along much better but i just struggle to get rid of these thoughts of wanting to try and resolve the past.

Any advice or tips on how you have coped. I have just started some counselling sessions to try and be more mindful with my thinking patterns.

Dear David:

You started this thread more than 11 months ago, almost a year. I re-read your posts. I don’t know if you are interested in my updated understanding, suggestions, input. You wrote that you “never felt that confused” and this is following a year almost of No Contact. I am following with my input just in case it may help with your confusion. It is here to follow for your reading and consideration, or not. Your choice.

You wrote these things in your various posts here:
* “she has.. SOMETHING which you notice only after you get to know her better”
* “I cannot even evoke in myself feelings of anger towards my ex for making me feel so low. I tend to think about her as a victim of her own difficult childhood. Just like me, she suffers from depression… and she totally mirrors that darkest part of my nature.”
* “there was an amazing chemistry, which I don’t feel for my current girlfriend. It was something electrical and it still gives me shivers when I think about it. I miss this ‘kick’ which made me feel like walking in the air.”

Reads to me that the draw, the chemistry has a lot to do with the fact that she indeed showered you with attention and then dumped you, and then repeated, like I suggested in my first reply to you. It does feel “electrical”, intoxicating, “like walking in air” to have love lost COME BACK. You don’t have this with your current girlfriend. She loved you from the start, no loss-and-return. It feel nice, but not intense.

But there is something more. You see yourself in her (“she totally mirrors that darkest part of my nature”- you see yourself in your ex, but not in your current girlfriend. The distress you see in your ex is the distress that exists in you. And so, I think, you see your salvation in her.

Maybe you think she, the ex, understands you, as you understand her, and you can save each other. On the other hand, your current girlfriend, as wonderful and loving as she is, you believe, doesn’t understand you because she doesn’t share that “darkest part of (your) nature.”

Let me know, if you will, what you think, and if you’d like, we can communicate further about this.

anita

Dear David:

You’ve been in no contact with your ex girlfriend for almost a year and you still, after all this time, and with not contact, you wrote today: “I feel desperate. I don’t know how to let it go. NC rule doesn’t seem to work for me, becouse I think about my ex every day.”

And you wrote above that you were “suffering most of time” when in the relationship with your ex. “but still these occasional highs were totally worth it.”

Still worth it?

Maybe it is still worth it. Maybe you have been experiencing a payoff from this preoccupation, this longing, all through this time and still, in the present. What could it possibly be, what is the payoff?

Maybe a clue to that payoff is in that “darkest part of (your) nature” (from “she totally mirrors that darkest part of my nature,”)

anita