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I'm having a difficult time of letting go of my feelings for my best friend

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Viewing 13 posts - 46 through 58 (of 58 total)
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  • #155974
    Cloud
    Participant

    No, I am not interested in dating sites. I’ve only signed up a few times in the past and mainly looking for friends. Dating or anything romantic in general makes me nervous. This is what I told her as well, I like to make friends first and I am not gonna seek for a relationship, I’m gonna let it happen on its own.It isnt want I am into, as I said before I want friendships first if a romance happens between that friend and I then I’ll consider it. However, she is the only one I am fully interested in. I need to see her, I need to see it for myself if my feelings will change if our chemistry is different in person. I can’t let go of what she told me, her words “We could have a relationship in the future” runs in my mind constantly. This is why I said I am having a difficult time letting my feelings go for her. If she hadn’t given me that hope then I would be not interested in her romantically and moved on a long time ago. It is already to late, she said what she said we build a strong bond from a distance and i am saving money to go see her.

    #155978
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cloud:

    Your thinking is very clear then- it is not clouded. Your positions and motivations are clear and consistent as they are stated in your last post. There was a conflict before, I understood: you wanted to explore a possible romantic relationship with her by traveling and meeting her in person (through extended friendship first, this is clear) and on the other hand, you wanted to let go of your feelings for her before traveling.

    Now it reads to me like there is no conflict: knowing yourself, you know that you will not be able to let go of your feelings for her before exploring the possibility of a romantic relationship in the future, a possibility that she articulated to you.

    And so, are you abandoning the objective of letting go of your feelings for her (stated in the title of your thread)? This may be the new attitude- not aiming at letting go of your feelings for her- that will make it possible for you to relax and live in the here-and-now. When one doesn’t fight one’s feelings, they tend to lose their intense hold on a person, no longer being a preoccupation.

    As I understand it then, your plan is to not pursue romantic relationships (through friendship first) with another woman before you travel to see her next fall, and explore the possibility of a romantic relationship with her. Am I correct?

    anita

    #156002
    Cloud
    Participant

    Yes, I’d told her that I must let go of that “hope” she given me because I can not focus on myself. My mind is to set on her and the hope that I never had the time to actually explore myself. Who I am, what I want in life and to love myself first. She encourages me to do this, she knows I need to stay focus on my life cause she knows I will give her the whole world if I am so focused on a potential relationship in the future for her. The distance is a major issue here, and it’ll be another whole year that i have to wait to go see her. I dont want to limit myself fully on her when there is a whole life ahead of me.

    I am secretly holding on to that hope. All she knows is that I am moving on and living my life while we still have a good friendship from afar. I had to tell her about this cause we are so close and stay in touch that I couldn’t focus on myself. She was the one to put “relationship” on the table, while I already friend zone her after I expressed my feelings to her. I know how I am when I care for someone, I reject myself to give that person happiness over mine.

    She wants to be part of my life, she said this to me last year. I didnt understand how some young woman wanted me in her life when we never met in person but she and I build this friendship together and we don’t want to lose one another.

    If she finds love I must be happy for her if I find love then I know she be happy for me as well. But I know deep down that I must see her, I am working very hard putting in more hours to save money to visit her and other countries in the UK. I already plan to visit the UK before I met her now I really want to focus on my euro trip cause I made a best friend who i love dearly there.

    #156004
    Cloud
    Participant

    In the past I tried so hard to move on with my feelings for my ex best friend. But she was always jealous of anyone who was close to me. She was jealous of my current friend when i told her about her. Months later I broke my friendship up with my ex best friend when she put the blame on me that I wasn’t giving the effort in the friendship anymore. I had enough of that treatment. I even told this to my current best  friend. She thought it was horrible of my ex best friend to do that to me when i am just mainly living my life.

    #156006
    Cloud
    Participant

    My current friend was my listener (therapist) on a free therapy site. I told her everything about my heart ache of how my ex best friend treated me before I broke the friendship off. My current best friend was not suppose to talk to me offsite, it was against the rules of the site cause we were anonymous. But she wanted to see my art and then she add me on Facebook. And she kept putting in more of the effort in this long distance friendship than i ever did. She got so close before i even broke it off with my ex best friend.

     

    This is why i have this attachment to my current best friend.

    #156008
    Cloud
    Participant

    And today we have each other’s address and personal numbers

    #156010
    Cloud
    Participant

    She basically rushed into this friendship and I basically became emotionally attached to her. We both did.

    #156012
    Cloud
    Participant

    I just want to see if her words are true, this is why I want to see her. I want to see it in her eyes that she does truly care and love me as a friend like she said she is.

    #156112
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cloud:

    I re-read all your posts on this thread. This is my summary and updated understanding: you are a 30 year old woman. You identify yourself as a lesbian and you had never had a romantic and/ or physical relationship with a woman. Neither did you indicate ever having a physical attraction to a woman.

    You did not have a single romantic or physical relationship with a woman or a man, other than having been kissed twice by a man, or men in high school. (“I’m a 30 year old lesbian…I never had a relationship. Only dated some men in high school, i’m a virgin and was kissed by men twice”)

    When you told your childhood friend, your “ex best friend”, that you have romantic feelings for her, she became more physical with you but you felt uncomfortable with her physical closeness (“When I told my ex best friend my feelings for her the day before our high school graduation. I also came out to her as bisexual… She also was physically close to me, never respected my personal space”)

    You wrote: “Dating or anything romantic in general makes me nervous…The thought of being romantic and sexually active makes me nervous. ..I’m too afraid to go further with anyone. So making friends is all I can do, I don’t know how to be physically romantic or romantic in general …”

    You wrote: “I must let go of the ‘hope’ she given me of a possible relationship in the future…I can’t let go of what she told me, her words ‘We could have a relationship in the future’ runs in my mind constantly…If she hadn’t given me that hope then I would be not interested in her romantically and moved on a long time ago. It is already to late, she said what she said”

    I believe those words she told you are your burden. And that you wish she never said those words. The title of your thread has this clearly expressed motivation: to let go of your attachment to her. It is in the title. Her words keep fueling your attachment to her.

    At this point, I believe that visiting her will be a mistake and will be harmful to you and to her. Reasons:

    1. You are not interested in a romantic/ physical relationship with another person, never had one, and the idea of it causes you significant anxiety.

    2. If you visit her, you will hold those words she said, that hope she gave you, against her. Those words will be her burden to carry, not only yours.

    I think it is best that you remove the visit plan from your considerations and either keep an online friendship-only with her (as it has been so far, never have you met her in person), or end the friendship as well.

    anita

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #156182
    Cloud
    Participant

    I can see why it’ll be harmful for me (I don’t see what will be harmful for her though) to hold on to those words and hope it’ll become more once we meet up.
    As I said before, it is already too late. I’m still planning to visit her next year. I am not expecting anything from her but her friendship. This attachment I have with her is strong and I am too stubborn to let it go.
    I’m basically nervous and afraid of commitment with anyone because I never had it before. So if that person wants to commit with me then they must be patience. It is what it is with my situation, I tried my best to get the distance yet she made the effort to keep me near by staying in touch.
    I will always be her friend and be thankful for everything she did for me. I am moving on in my own way. Thank You for listening

    #156190
    Cloud
    Participant

    Women make me nervous, in a romantic sense. I have more friends that are women than men. I would love to have a relationship, I will be open for a sexual relationship with someone if they are interested in me back. Its just they have to go slow with me.

    if she lived closer i still will feel the same as in taking our time to be friends first and slowly ease into romance if we both felt we wanted more.

    #156192
    Cloud
    Participant

    I don’t want a LDR, so if she and I really want to be committed to each other then moving to her country will be a option. But thats a huge commitment! IF that ever was a discussion between then we’ll figure out when the time comes. So yea I am secretly holding on to hope yet I am going through the pain of letting it go.

    #156208
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cloud:

    You are welcome. I have paid thorough attention to your posts on this thread and have given you all the thoughtful input I have. I have no more input.

    Your recent two posts above are repetition of same thoughts and feelings you already expressed. If you would like to ask me any specific question or if you would like my input on an item I did not already address, please direct a future post to me (using my name), and I will respond.

    If other members reading your posts have suggestions or thoughts for you, I hope they share those with you. Wishing you the best.

    anita

Viewing 13 posts - 46 through 58 (of 58 total)

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