Anita, you’re completely correct!

That is exactly what I am going through at the moment. She and i have discussed this few months ago and she understands now that I need to move on and only be just friends do to distance and niether is ready to commit themselves in a relationship.

No, she knows I’m still visiting her. I still want to meet the person that help me move on from my ex friend. And she is still wanting to see me. Even though I still have these feelings for her thats the struggle I’m dealing with on my own.

If romantic feelings do happen then it’ll be a struggle for me because I can’t stand the distance. If we are fully committed then I may have to move to her country. That is a hug step for the both of us!

Sorry for the late reply.

I had some technical difficulties that it wouldn’t let me text my reply.

It took me a few months to actually come out and tell her how I felt. I had to think about it, get into tune within myself if I really felt that way toward her. It wasnt a crush anymore, I actually fell in love with her. I fell for her for who she, for being there for me and truly caring for me from afar. Something I’ve never experienced in my whole life, someone who really wanted to help me through my heartache who wanted to be there to support and encourage me. I didnt expect her to give me that “hope” cause I assumed she was straight and since distance is a issue I didn’t think she’ll give me that answer. when she explained to me she is open to date whomever (when she ready for a relationship) gender is no issue to her. I took that as account even though I still feared she may only want me for attention. Yet, as time went on I see us grow as wonderful close long distance friends. That I truly cherished!
I only want friendship first, slowly ease into a relationship with someone. She told me “If we both we felt the same way. We could have a relationship in the future.” She kept telling me this whenever I brought it up last year (I’d talked to her about this a couple of times) My anxiety took the best of me, I was worried she would only want me for attention which is why I had to bring it up with her. I have trust issues, if anyone is too nice to me or go out of their way for me. I’ll question those actions. I kept thinking that person wants something from me.
That being said, it applies to anyone who’ll be interested in me not only her.
Few months back I did talk to a therapist for two months, I have overcome my fears yet I still struggle sometimes cause I just don’t want to get my hopes up.
I wish I can drive over to her place, hang out, be with my best friend. It’s also hurts when she isn’t quite herself (sick or having a bad day) I wish I can do more in person than text her or send gifts. It hurts that I still have these feelings for her, I want to discuss this with her. But we’ve already talked about this many times. I can’t tell her anymore cause it already settled. If I mention this again she may just say what she said before or say “I thought we are only friends?”. I want to talk to her about this cause she is the person i’ll go to whenever i have alot on my mind. She keeps me calm and at ease when my anxiety and worries go over board. I just have to live with this, live my life. I do try to get out there to meet people to make more friends but I mainly make acquaintances hardly any close friends. It’s hard to trust people since my break up. I can trust her to never hurt me, it’s just I dont know if I’ll ever move on until we actually meet up to see how our chemistry is in person.

My therapist has taught, explained and encouraged me through out the therapy sessions that lead me a more understanding of why I’d carried those fears of being  neglected and mistreated for 16 years by my ex best friend. My ex took advantage of my love for her because she herself is/was a lonely person. She wasn’t close to anyone but me. She was selfish and careless of my own feelings for her cause she wanted the attention even though she had no interest in me whatsoever.

My ex and i grew up together, we both relied on each others needs when in actuality we were both of us are toxic. She wanted my full attention when she craved it and I wanted love from her cause I’d care for her and loved her. I became obsessed with trying to please her to  receive the love I wanted from her platonically and romantically. My ex was my first love (per say), I never experienced romantic feelings before and she was my first and I realized at the time I was coming out to be a lesbian. It was difficult and scary to expect my own sexuality because I never thought I am gay and I hated myself for not loving myself for who I am do to society and growing up in a  religious  home. It took time for me to expect myself fully before coming out to my loved ones. I didnt come out until i was 27 after befriending my first gay friends few years back. I don’t have that many close friends only the ones I grew up with and my ex was one of them.

When I explained my life to my current friend last year and the heartache. She was willing to be by my side everyday while I just wanted to be left alone. I didnt understand why she wanted me in her life when we are miles apart. I let her in yet I was still afraid she’ll break my heart like my ex and many other past friends that took advantage of my friendship. As time went on I realized my current friend has no intentions to ever take advantage of me but to be my long distance friend. So i eventually took her in by letting her in my life.

As of now, I want her in my life forever and I want to meet this young woman in person who helped me move on from my past. I’m not expecting anything from her only her true friendship. It’ll hurt me the most if she was using me more than not wanting a relationship with me. All i ever want is true friendship, romantic relationships is on my mind on the other hand I just want people who love me for me in my life more than anything.

I know I must move on with my feelings for my current friend, but it’s hard cause it isn’t easy for me to develop feelings for someone else when she is always on my mind. I do keep the distance for my own self cause I don’t want to come off needy. I love it that she will reply back and be honest with me. But I can’t expect anything from her, if she wants to be in my life so be it if she wants to stay single and be ready to date when she is ready so be it. All I can do is be her long distance friend.