Hi Dreaming,

I too was constantly abandoned in my early childhood, so I can relate to your posts. I have gone through a lot of loss and rejection in my life, so I always go through life “expecting someone” to abandon or leave me, and it usually comes true.

What you need to focus on is you. Know how awesome you are and how lucky your boyfriend is to have you. Just keep thinking this. Nothing is forever, and tell yourself, if he does leave, you were okay before him, and you will okay without him. Because in the end, we only have ourselves. People come and go. We have to love ourselves and our own company. When we do this, we are secure enough not to have fear, or perceived fear, if someone does not say “exactly” what we want them too, we won’t be devastated or thinking “they are being distant, they will leave me, I just know it!”. When this happens, it sets you up on a vicious cycle, and it will drive people away because you will try harder and harder to get “their validation” that you are “good enough”. Men sometimes have short attention spans. I am sure he was interested in your work, but they tend to get distracted after a few minutes. It is normal.

I have a male friend, and I will be talking, after a few minutes, he says “he has to go”. This hurts my feelings. When I brought it up to him, he told me he has ADHD and can only concentrate for very short lengths of time. I am sure your boyfriend was not trying to be rude, he may have been excited about the bakery and said it on impulse. Maybe you can say “hey, that’s great, thanks for showing me, I’d really like to finish up about my work, I could really use an ear, I promise I won’t be much longer”. As far as moving in together, maybe he was distracted, and he did not mean to sound like he was not interested.

Maybe bring it up some other time, and ask him what his thoughts are. But don’t think his short attention span means “he will leave you”.

Hi I wanted to help you with my experience, I have a core wound of abandonment that I have made much inroads into healing through self help, therapy, and building my relationship with my spouse. My wound has been quite severe and affected every part of my life. My father left the family when I was four, we were close. My sister left home the year after (shes 11 years older than me) and it was just my mother and I, she began to abuse alcohol and was emotionally abandoning, also physically neglectful of my needs as a child. She was emotionally abusive and manipulative and I grew up very maladapted. The funny thing is, the mind will cause us to repress emotions and act like all is ok, a form of denial, a survival mechanism. When I was with my first boyfriend (who was a very kind and sweet person I remember him fondly) I would fall into deep depressions and have crying spells and sometimes do crazy things whenever that wound was activated. I was too young to know this though but with hindsight I can look back on how far I have come in my healing. The real blessing was when I had a breakdown at 19. It needed to happen and though it was horrible it was also the best thing that happened to me because it started my journey of learning psychology and cognitive skills, I also met many people who had low nurturance childhoods and they became my support network. I read many self help books and memoirs of people who had recovered from abuse.

My point to you is that if you have an abandonment wound, and it sounds as though you do, then your best bet to freedom and happiness is to find a skilled therapist who can help you to heal that wound, because inside it are pieces of you trapped in the pain of the trauma. That pain needs to be felt and released so you can move forward. It is hard to do on your own as well as you will have built up barriers to protect yourself, you would have needed them as a child to survive. But with the emotional maturity and ability to put things into perspective as an adult you will be able to mend the wound. You also need support through the process and to be honest with your boyfriend about what is going on with you. Chances are that he may surprise you with his insight, my fiancé did and through his consistency he has given me the love that I needed to heal.

Men also have a natural tendency to pull away emotionally (men are from mars, women from venus by John Gray) and for women who have abandonment issues it can make us act mental, it is hurtful for most women anyway but to a woman with a core wound of rejection and abandonment OUCH. That’s why you need to do the  inner work, so you can be happy and secure and also be able to respect your man and give him the love and support he needs. Because unfortunately you could end up pushing him away entirely because he may get fed up with your behaviour, that happened to me a few times along the way. Learn about your wound and how to treat it and heal it, love yourself too because you deserve love. that inner child needs to let those buried emotions out! I send love to you.

Hi Dreaming715,

Yes, this is very tough, the fear of abandonment and rejection. It caused me so much trauma in my childhood, I doubt sometimes, I will get completely “cured” from it, even with the help from a therapist. I have repressed so much..the wounds too deep. I sometimes wonder, if I even belong in a relationship, I have been alone for a long time and seem to have less anxiety being alone than in a relationship and all the complications.

Have things gotten any better with your boyfriend? Feel free to post anytime. Thank you for sharing.