Home→Forums→Tough Times→I'm Back/I Felt Like I Was Fighting A War
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finsallystrong.
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September 28, 2017 at 4:25 pm #170849
MylesParticipantHey everyone, sorry I been gone a minute, I’ve been going through a lot of stuff. I’ve been dealing with a very irrational hatred I had of something and I can’t tell you the amount of times I told myself I’m a wonderful person, that I wasn’t going to feel like this forever and that I can get through this. I’m still going through it, but I know my heart and I know that this will pass. Listening to people like Mary J Blige helped me a lot because she is someone who gets knocked down and gets right back up AND then writes a song or a whole album about her experiences, I hope to do that some day. I decided to write a song about my experience. I haven’t felt like this in a long time, not since I got out of my last relationship and this overwhelming feeling of shame and disgust followed me wherever I went and told me I was a dirty cheater who didn’t deserve to be happy, despite the fact I was taken advantage of by someone a good 5 years older than me. The song is called “Haunting.” I’m not actually cringing at what I’d written this time, it feels really honest, which is what I’m going for.
It’s inescapable
This wreckless hatred inside of my heart
Wherver I go, I know it’s never far
I was so sure it wouldn’t tear me apart
But it’s outstayed it’s welcome
And I will come out on top
No more will I feel helpless
But it just doesn’t seem to stop
And I don’t know how you kill a part of yourself
And it’s too terrible to say, so I shouldn’t ask for help
No matter where I turn, I know it’s haunting me
Taking control of me
Trying to paint over me
I thought that I’d learned to be unshakeable
Unbreakable
Thought I was capable (of anything)
It took root in my mind with so much urgency
It was never this serious, but now it’s really burning me
Now I knowthat I’m not the first nor the last
To be hel captive by things that happened in the past
But it’s such a regression
From who I know myself to be
If I had one question
I’d ask “What happened to the real me?”
Chorus
It’s shaken me to the core
So I began keeping score
Of how many times
I fall victim to my own mind
But I know
This won’t last forever
If I just keep it together
If I just keep pressing on
I’ll come out alive after the storm
Chorus
End
September 28, 2017 at 5:49 pm #170855
finsallystrongParticipantHi Myles,
i just read my own pain and fears within your words. I would totally listen and connect to your song if I heard it on the radio. You have a beautiful ability to connect.
I’m sorry for the pain you have experienced. It looks like you are strong though because you came back from it and made something deep and meaningful from it. Great work and welcome back. Thanks for sharing.
J
September 29, 2017 at 4:44 am #170883
AnonymousGuestDear Myles:
Thank you indeed for sharing your thoughts and feelings, this poem. A few of my favorite lines:
“And I don’t know how you kill a part of yourself
Now I know that I’m not the first nor the last
To be held captive by things that happened in the pastI’d ask ‘What happened to the real me?’
I fall victim to my own mind”
anita
September 29, 2017 at 11:20 am #170963MylesParticipantThank you both, when I was writing this, I felt like I had the emotion I wanted to convey in the back of my mind and I just let my pen guide me, if that makes sense. I’m still going through what I described in the song though.
September 30, 2017 at 3:47 am #171009AnonymousGuestDear Myles:
You wrote: “this overwhelming feeling of shame and disgust followed me wherever I went and told me I was a dirty cheater who didn’t deserve to be happy…”
Having cheated on a boyfriend in the past doesn’t have to define you as a person. Having cheated then does not make you a cheater. Not unless you believe it does, of course. Reads to me that you believe it does, and this is why you feel this shame.
I am challenging this belief: let’s say a person ate scrambled eggs for breakfast on Saturday morning. Is he or she a “scrambled-egg-person”? What if he eats eggs over-easy (my favorite) on Sunday? I hear a voice in my brain saying: this is a ridiculous argument. And I answer: is it? Why is it ridiculous? Perhaps the person had scrambled eggs and didn’t like it, tried over-easy the next day and liked it. Through experience he learned what he likes.
Sure there is an ethical issue in cheating that does not exist in scrambled vs over-easy eggs, but still, you learned through experience that you, Myles, disapprove of cheating. So the next day you are a loyal boyfriend and the next day and on… because you approve of being a loyal boyfriend.
Your poem, “And I don’t know how you kill a part of yourself
…To be held captive by things that happened in the past
…I’d ask ‘What happened to the real me?’”Cheating is not a part of yourself if you tried it and rejected it. Loyalty is a part of yourself because through experience you learned that you approve of loyalty. You don’t have to be held captive by that cheating in the past. The real you is the loyal Myles.
Think of my argument, challenge your belief.
anita
September 30, 2017 at 5:00 am #171023MylesParticipant@Anita I might have to explain this cheating situation a bit better. Whar basically happened was that I couldn’t tell anyone I was in a relationship because my boyfriend at the time (Adam) believed his Dad was homophobic, and he was afraid of ANYONE, even people who didn’t know him, getting to his Dad and relaying this information. So, when I was 15 (the time of this relationship) I was drunk on New Year’s Eve and I decided to do this because Adam was drinking and I’d never done it before. I was talking to a 20 year old from his dance academy who I’d gotten to know over the week beforehand. I told him I was getting drunk and he still proceeded to play a game called “10 questions” with me (I didn’t know what that was at the time) and the first question he asked me was if I would “take my clothes off for him.” Adam had asked me to screenshot every message that had been sent and send it back to him, which I did. I decided I would lead the guy on in the hopes that he’d leave me alone once he got what he wanted.
He didn’t.
He then sent a nude of himself to me and asked me for one. This is why I say I cheated. I was unhappy in my relationship with Adam, but because I felt responsible for him, I stayed. I kind of wanted to send one back, but, even though I was drunk, I still thought he would go away. I then sent a screenshot of this part of the conversation to Adam and he was under the impression I cheated on him, and the rest of this part of my life is addressed in one of the first posts I made, My Story I believe.
I think I might have misspoke. What I meant to say was that the shame and disgust isn’t BECAUSE I still have that belief, it’s because of the irrational hatred I’ve been dealing with, I just compared it to what I felt after my last relationship, which was shame. I don’t still feel that way, even though I’m still a smidgen bitter when it comes to relationships, and right now sleeping around (not homewrecking, just making that clear) sounds way more attractive to me than “love.”
September 30, 2017 at 5:08 am #171027AnonymousGuestDear Myles:
I failed to understand you this time and times before. I am quite confused. Maybe another member is capable of understanding your thoughts, feelings, motivations.
anita
September 30, 2017 at 5:11 am #171029MylesParticipant@Anita What I’m saying is the shame is the same feeling, but it’s coming from a different place, and that’s what I’m going through right now.
September 30, 2017 at 5:16 am #171031MylesParticipant@anita I understand where you’re coming from though, I’ve never looked at the situation that way. It’s probably because I was under the belief I knew exactly what I was doing and so because of that I was a bad person.
September 30, 2017 at 5:35 am #171033AnonymousGuestDear Myles:
I repeatedly tried to understand you as I thoroughly read and replied to your various threads over time. Repeatedly your replies indicated to me that I misunderstood you. And so, I admit defeat and withdraw from your threads. This is not done in anger, not at all. I am motivated by this practical aspect: trying to understand you is too much work for me resulting in no benefit to me or to you.
As I wrote to you, I hope another member reading your posts is able to understand your sharing and will respond. And I wish you well.
anita
October 2, 2017 at 4:24 pm #171323finsallystrongParticipantHi,
I understand what Anita is saying. And I also understand what you are saying too, Myles.
at the end of the day, regardless of the situation, the pain is the same. It is real and it is deep and it cuts like a knife.
And I’m sorry you are still feeling this pain. But time really does heal all. I have learned over many years and with much resistance that, unfortunately, some of the greatest lessons are learned through this pain. Even if it feels like there is no way out.
I think I am finally breaking through the other side. Some days are harder than others. I have a good therapist and that helps. I wish I could stop holding myself back.
I guess what I m trying to say is, pain is inevitable. But you appear to have the talent to turn this pain in to something good.
And I wish you a lifetime of joy, pain and great success.
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