I currently live with my Mom. She doesn’t get it, but she has been very critical about me all of my life and her main goal in life is to have a clean, spotless house. My therapist thinks she’s OCD, but her desires for a neat house has been a problem. I am living with her due to financial reasons. (I’m disabled and on Social Security).

My Dad died at the age of 54 from drinking and smoking. He basically abandoned my sister, Mom and I when I was in my teens. He would come home to sleep after a night of drinking and leave before we woke up to go to school. My Mom still loves him after all of these years and says “I don’t understand” whenever I point out how his treatment of our family messed me up. My sister was thin and popular (prom queen, cheerleader, homecoming queen) and I was obese and bullied all day at school. I got the “Old Maid Award” in high school. My sister was able to escape my Mom during these years because she had friends. I had no friends in high school and still don’t. My Mom would pester me all day, especially about doing chores around the house, so I resorted to going to school, being harassed, coming home and locking myself in my room. I put headphones on so I didn’t have to hear her bothering me and cried almost every day. I stopped cleaning house back then because I stopped caring about pretty much everything. My parents couldn’t even put me on restriction because I had no social life and didn’t watch TV. I just went to school and came home and locked myself in my room.

I’m dating a younger man and every time I am with him, I find myself changing into what I hate about my Mom. I start picking on him. He is NOT neat at all and I start cleaning up after him to no avail. It gets very messy quickly. I look at his hair and the way he shaves and find imperfections which bother me. I can’t seem to let these things slide. It’s like I have become my Mom. It’s a terrible habit I have of being negative.

Any suggestions?

I’m 54 and am currently going through some intense physical pain in my hips and legs.