UD,

I’m very sorry for the stress and anxiety you’re suffering with, and know how crazy life can be sometimes. I can understand why you consider yourself broken, because you see yourself doing actions which you know are unhealthy, and yet there you are doing them. Don’t despair, friend, there is always a path toward joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First I think you need to shift your perception of what is happening in your mind. The vision that I see is a person drowning, and desperately seeking air… or a starving person craving food. At some point, for some reason, while you were in a relationship with the girl she became a source of nourishment. Perhaps you were able to be open with her, or she offered you compassion and forgiveness… some thing you needed was given to you by her. As you took that in, it was so relieving, so invigorating, that your mind points to her as the source of that need being fulfilled.

So now, when the need arises in you your mind begins to bounce and spin, because it can’t find release. It doesn’t know where else to find the needed thing, and so it pushes you to grab, manipulate, stalk, beg… anything possible to get air. Don’t beat yourself up, people do incredible things when they are starving, and you are a good person. If you weren’t, your actions wouldn’t bother you. But they do, and yet your hunger pushes you.

So the goal here is to find a healthier food. She isn’t the only place to find that need, she isn’t even a good place to find it. Probably, and is only a guess, what might feed you is self nurturing. Said differently, if you have been as critical with yourself as you were in your post, then no wonder you desperately seek love and acceptance. Its OK, we all need that, and the healthy/lucky ones among us look inward first. Consider beginning to be kind to yourself, do things which feed and inspire your heart.

Perhaps you could go for a walk in nature (barefoot would be even better!) Or, you could take a bath with candles, eat some dark chocolate, go give some hugs and loving affection toward your parents or other trusted family and friends, visit a museum, or whatever activities bring stability and happiness to your body. Show your body that it matters, that you are willing to be kind to it, to be gentle with it, to give it the attention and caring it needs.

One thing I find to be very, very settling to an anxious mind is called metta. Consider starting a metta practice! Metta is loving kindness, and is an unconditional warmth we cab develop in our body for all living beings… including ourselves. Consider following along to this guided meditation… even once a day for a week will certainly produce a great relief:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M1hP4RfS-c

You are not lost or a stalker. There is simply an agitated mind looking for breath, looking for food, and your obsessive quality just shows how powerful and intrepid you are. As you move away from an unhealthy searching for the food you need (which is normal!) then all that potency becomes inner strength. Said differently, imagine how many walls a starving and unskillful Superman might bust down before he wakes up and finds a gentle way to find food. Namaste, friend, you’re closer than you think!

With warmth,
Matt