Hello everyone, sorry for the late reply

Thanks for sharing your perspectives. Thanks for taking your time to read and respond. I appreciate it. This is gonna be a lengthy one so I apologise in advanced

To anita: Well I dont remember much doing anything to connect with them as a child. More like just staring at everything interaction they do. I questioned and wondered about things like wondering why they seem happy but the second I didnt respond they feel disappointed and remained silent and distant for the most part. But I did reached out to them but in a rebellious way when I became 12 years old. I gave them an earful of things when they started to teach me things I’m not interested in. Esp with playing with other kids or things I feel like Im gonna hate doing. They were proud that I was smart to be on top class but I never paid attention close attention to it esp when I reached highschool. I just submerged myself to things that made me happy. They want me to successful because of this and had their hopes up. I guess I dissappointed them numerous times after that.

I was exploring and learning things and the world around me on my own (in which may include negative experiences they didnt know about). Like going around the house and rummaging through stuffs, I guess like a normal curious kid would. They gave me toys but never really played with them. But when I discovered how to operate a pc and console, I was hooked since then. I found a comfortable way to entertain myself all the while knowing about things Im interested in.

When I reached college, this is where I started to spiral down. I didnt worry about thing in highschool being not top of the class and just minding my own solitude. But after graudatig highschool, I feared for my future since I didnt really know what to do. I went for Computer related course but then again Im not really that good at it. My bubble also burst when I graduated highschool since I never interacted with anybody and got really used to it, so I dont know what to do with new people around me. I have no idea how to blend in for a long time and I always felt like a sore thumb. I felt confused and paranoid of my surrounding so I was always on fight or flight mode where I run to my perfect bubble all the time. But when I reached college, it burst for some reason. I couldnt keep up with people in college. I still do run in my bubble but added with responsibilities thinking about the future and the decisions I make greatly impacts it. Life and people tell me I need to grow up now and do things adult do to survive. But I keep refusing and continuing to do things that I was comfortable with for years. I refuse gaining social skills on how exhausting they are to do. My parents still preach to me to do things the right way to make get out of my bubble/comfort zone.

Ive wanted to go get myself checked out to psychologist/psychiatrist to see if there’s ever anything wrong with me or not. But my parents refused and dont believe in it. They always compare and feel Im just a normal person like them and theres nothing to be fixed. They think they can fix me on their own methods. I feel stuck and helpless from their methodings and I feel like whenever I reach out to someone they always the same thing. Or I just cant feel the empathy towards me since I always rationalize what people say vs what I really feel. I feel always wrong and everyone is always right about me. I feel devestated everytime they argue back things to me when I share my feelings. Always giving quick fix to solve what I feel. Go get exercise, stop being lazy, do some cleaning, stop thinking, you’re already an adult stop making excuses, theres nothing wrong with you just go to sleep, everyone gas problems so stop feeling special, be productive, its all in your head, just move your body, stop doing unproductive hobbies (listening to music, watching movies/shows/youtube, playing video games, reading comics) and so on. I mean theyre not really wrong so I couldnt do anything about it. This is the “reality” as they always say. “No one cares about anyone and learn to be independent”.

I dont know if this is considered reaching out since I normally just read posts that have similar situation as I am around forums like this. I dont know what it feels like when someone do reaches out. I dont know someone’s empathy supposed to feel like. I feel so closed off even tho I do share these things.

To Peter: I see. Seems a bit struggle for me to understand and I feel Im being choked by the way my parents teach me things even though maybe for them and other perspective theyre not doing such a thing to hold me in the neck. As they just teach me lessons and guidlines to life. But I take them as some kind of horrific world even if theyre reality of life. They heavily simulated the world outside and I cant really find any freedom in it. That they want me to follow these list of rules on how to properly live and securely. Even though I want to be free and experience the world myself, they already gave me the horrors of life and how hard it is to live life that I became fearful of ever leaving even though I feel like a prisoner that wants to be free.

To Lara: I dont play online games and only played single player games mostly on console. I avoid making friends and just enjoyed myself in this isolated room where I play games I love and do things I enjoy without anyone interrupting me or physically there to disturb me. I never had any that I consider friends even tho I made some in college, weirdly enough. They consider me a friend but I dont feel anything towards them and I feel bad about it. Ive been considered special to some but I dont feel the same back as to why I feel I never really had any friends, in my pov.

The things they say do hurts and feels awful to be misunderstood that way. But then again, I take their words as “universal truth” and “reality”. So I find them scary and retreat to my own world. Connecting with people is something that do makes me question my own sanity sometimes. I feel like theres something wrong with me but I felt like its gonna be impossible for me to find a human being to connect with. I dont even know what connecting to people means.

Im still in my senior year of college. I graduate highschool at 16. On and off college for the last 8 years. Im still living with them since they think I cant even manage to get myself together so I believe them and Im still with them. Im not interacting with anybody except with my parents who profusely nags on me being unproductive and avoiding responsibilities.

I cant finish my course properly also because I hate doing the mandatory minor subjects. Since in my country, youre not really allowed to choose which minor you want to take and forced to take whats listed instead. I really feel physically ill and I have migraines since entering college. I cant even imagine myself working at this rate. 25 is already old for people and should be somewhat established by now. I feel pressured but then again, if I want to continue college or do have work, I want it to be something related to my own leisure times and I enjoy it. But the world I was shown isnt like that ofcourse and everyone gets crap. Atleast from the words of mouths Ive seen and heard from other people.

Again sorry for the lengthy post. I think Im all over the place. I cant really express myself concisely enough. I feel like a heavy baggage of nonsense

Thank you again for the time and hope you guys have a good day now