Dear Perry,

I am not too concerned with you being 24 and never having a girlfriend. My second serious bf was 26 when he met me. I was his first girl-friend. Everyone has a phase in their life when they want a relationship for whichever reasons. Leave aside the notion that there is a rule saying you have to have a relationship by a certain age. Here’s the thing though – clearly you seek connection and companionship and feel that can be found in a partner itself. My question is, why are you limiting yours beliefs that you cant go outside and meet new people, make friends? What is so wrong with you as a person anyway? Even if you found someone, if you dont like who you are, how can you expect to form healthy intimacy with someone else? Wouldnt you be overly dependent on that person then? I am not going to guide to a life of being alone. You’re only 24 and way too young to have such grandiose notions of solitude. You need to face these fears and insecurities rather than withdrawing into a shell. These years wont come back. If you feel you’ve missed out on life, you will miss out more if you withdraw now and give up. Why live with these regrets? If you really were happy with it, would be asking for companionship in the first place? People dont complete us but they really enrich our lives in unexpected ways. Why do you think no one will ever like you? Is there some source to this negativity?

What do you think?

Moon

It’s pretty clear that you don’t actually want to be alone. Being content with who you are is another matter. I had my first serious relationship when I was 22, I think. I’ve been single for something like 13 years. A big reason for my being single that long was because I thought nobody liked me. Turns out I was so severely depressed and isolating that I hated myself and didn’t want others to see me…when in reality I really *did* want others to see me. After high school, I had a fellow graduate tell me that I’d “be surprised” by the number of women who were interested in me. I didn’t notice any of this…I was too busy literally looking at the floor and avoiding eye contact. Not saying this is your situation; just relating what I’ve become aware of over the years.

“Besides, I’m not sure why any girl would want me”…I think maybe you could make a list of things that are positive and likable about yourself. Do you think you can do that, write it down, for yourself? Fostering positive things about yourself, even if you don’t believe them, can help build you up. It’s likely that women will gravitate toward you if you’re confident and self-secure…but women can only gravitate toward you if you put yourself in situations where you’ll meet them. That might go against your desire for staying home (what does staying home do for you? Maybe make a list of those things too; then make a list of things that are likely to happen if you go out), but the alternative is very likely you staying alone.

Consider me a cautionary tale, if you will: I’m 39 and it seems every woman I run into is either married or has kids (or wants kids)…I want neither. I began fostering happiness in earnest almost 2 months ago–my outlook on life has changed dramatically for the healthier. So, if you don’t want to be single when you’re 39, don’t wait to build yourself up and maybe take some positive risks with going out 🙂

when I was 24, I thought I was old. “oh dear, pretty soon, I’ll be too old to find a partner”. I was wrong. I found one, but not until 30. So I wouldn’t be panicking just yet.
Oh and re you v status. Be proud of your uniqueness. There’s plenty of guys with no self respect who have lost theirs.

• This reply was modified 9 years ago by jock.

Hi Perry,

My name is John. I’m a 24 year old male and I’ve also never been in a real relationship. I struggle with my image, even though I’ve been told by several sources I’m handsome. It’s gotten to the point where I basically avoid any situation where I could insert myself into the conversation. It feels like starting would just be shoveling sand against the tide. I’m going down and I know it. So that’s where I’m going. Trust me, you’re not alone.

Dear Perry:

Are you motivated to dig out your negativity and examine it? Are you angry at people for letting you down? How long have you been angry? Your relationship with your parent/s, are you willing to examine that? Have you? In that first most important relationship is where you formed your negative core beliefs.

If you are willing to examine your formative years, your first relationship, the one with a care taker, a parent, there are the answers, that is if you are motivated.

Hope is in the examining.
anita

To your last post Perry:

I’ve been told the same thing about myself. However, over the years I’ve become more open and more carefree, at least on the outside. I also relate to having to be the man who reaches out to the woman. This however isn’t fair, but it is a societal construct.

How/when do you encounter women? From my own experience, creating a positive sense of self makes the anxiety lessen. Perhaps ask yourself what’s the worst that could happen. Or what’s the best that could happen. Would either of these results mean you’re utterly compromised?

You mention self-confidence as the crux. I agree. It is possible to build self-confidence. I think I wrote a lot about that in my first post. Maybe build yourself up a bit, in manageable pieces. What would a small step look like for you, either in your own confidence or in seeking a woman? Meetup.com has a lot of..well…meetups, where you can join a group and meet with that group around a common interest. It might be scary at first, but if you persist it gets easier.