hi trevor. it sounds like you’re really frustrated by the responses you get from women when you reveal your emotions. i can understand why you might be feeling as though you’ll never find the right lady: you keep putting yourself out there and getting slammed. let’s remember, though, that you are the common denominator here and you’re also only in charge of your actions, not theirs.

i’m a lady that appreciates a good communicator in a man, as well as someone that is emotionally available. i’m looking for a long-term committed relationship, and i know that these things are important to me in such. however, i would be wary of a man who unloads his problems on me in such a way that he expects i help him deal with them right off the bat. i’m not saying that this is what you are doing, but i find that often “sharing” is equated with soliciting help for problems. instead, i would rather get to know another person in a lighter way at first, because i don’t want a co-dependent relationship (i am not entering into a romantic relationship so that someone can help me solve my problems; i know that’s up to me and it works both ways). this doesn’t exclude heated conversations or emotional support, but it ensures that both of us can be ourselves without expectations one way or the other. i would rather get acquainted with someone without any pressure, slowly letting my guard down emotionally, than put everything on the table at once, expect something in return, and feel rejected when i don’t get that. of course, relationships aren’t a science so much as an art – knowing and being true to yourself takes practice, and it’s this awareness that is going to help you determine your best fit for a relationship rather than trying to figure the other person out.

you said that you desire passion and emotional connection, so hold on to that. do you really think you can “become gay”* and maintain those desires? unless you’re into men already, think again. passion and intimacy can be found in long-term commitments, but they’re sustained by the couple – they don’t just happen on their own. you need to be open with yourself and your partner and express these values. if that’s what both of you want, you’re closer to finding your match. don’t settle for someone who can’t give you what you need (and be clear with yourself about the differences between your needs and desires). also, don’t confuse lust with love. if/when you fall in love, there are going to be moments when one or neither of you aren’t particularly lusting after the other, and that is ok. it’s all part of the human experience. be open to going with the flow, continually asking yourself (not in a paranoid way, but in a curious way) if you are content where you are at. if you aren’t, examine those feelings with kindness – be willing to feel them, even if they are scary. your feelings will show you your way. you might be surprised to learn that you are willing to sacrifice passion and high emotion momentarily for the privilege to be with your partner in the long run. the opposite might also be true. listen to your heart.

*i don’t believe in “becoming” anything but ourselves. no one can turn themselves gay or straight, black or white, dragon or unicorn. however, as humans, we are prone to denying our true selves. be clear with yourself about who you are and what you want – the clearer you are, the more successful you will be in finding peace (with or without a partner).

Hey Trevor,
As someone who was once in your shoes, I understand where you’re coming from. In today’s society, men are suppose to be perfect in every way and it’s insane to expect that from someone. It’s good that you know what you want and it’s even better that you’re aware of your own weaknesses because those are essential to creating a good relationship. With that said, what you’re attracting in your life is what you’re thinking about. This should clarify why you haven’t found exactly the right woman yet. Words like can’t, try, and impossible close off your chances of finding the right person.

So first off, change your outlook on the situation. Yes, it is difficult. But if you aren’t willing to make a real effort, don’t expect to get real results.

Secondly, of course it’s a turn off to open up with your weaknesses. Most people don’t want to start a relationship off like that. Exert your positive traits more often and stop trying to force things. If something is meant to work out, it will work out. Everything else is just a lesson to learn and grow from. The moment you let go and allow yourself to flow with the push and pull of life, you will find your success.

But overall, stop thinking negatively about this, stop putting yourself down and telling yourself it’ll never happen. As long as you continue thinking that way, it’ll continue to be your reality. Open yourself to the impossible.

Have faith in yourself and your ability to be a good partner. I hope this helps.
thepathofaronin.blogspot.com is my personal blog. Use it if you ever need advice.