Lucy,

“How can I let go and move on while still hoping that he will come back” This my dear is an absolute contradiction, you can not release something from your palm if your fingers are clenched tightly around it. If you’re feeling stuck it might be because you are still choosing to sit alone where he left you 3 months ago. The answer to your grief will come when asked the question, but why? I think an honest hard look inside yourself and finding the naked reason why you can not let this go will tell you more about yourself as a person than about your relationship. It will be the release of it, to know it has less to do with him and more to do with yourself. In fact it is something that you have control over. At least that was the case for me, when I was in your shoes.

You say you love this man and miss him yet you are willingly put yourself into new situations and dating, entertaining new suitors. There is this misconception among folks these days, that dating again is the best way to move on, or to prove to oneself they are over an ex. I will argue the complete opposite. Not only is moving onto a new guy so soon not fair or healthy for you, its not really fair to the other person either. Break ups happen for a reason. There was something about the dynamic that existed between you two, that simply did not work. So you get to begin the journey to ask yourself what is the lesson here? How can you observe yourself objectively and move on when you are simply seeking a new source to replace what was lost? How can you take the time and effort to truly work on you, when you are dividing your attention with new pursuits?

I see a few statements in your post that warrant further reflection as to the real cause of your breakup. I saw an indictment of timing, but from what you have provided I do not think this was the soul source of the conflict.

You say your wanting him back waxs and wanes. In my opinion if you do want him back it doesn’t sound like for the rights reasons. From reading the middle part of your post it doesnt seem like you really know what it is you want at all. Or how to balance all the things you do want in your life. Me personally I dont want someone who scored my importance in their life as a 5-6 some of the time….. doesnt sound like a level of commitment or devotion that would suit me.

You can reconcile the wanting him back by finding out the real reasons why, for me, it was that I missed the companionship, it was the fear of never finding love again, it was appreciation for the good parts about him. At the same time a complete lack of regard for all the things that were wrong with the relationship. The bad being the real reasons it didnt work out. I suspect much in the way of answers that werent apparent to me are also the root of your dilemma as well. When you can discover that perhaps your motivations are selfish in nature, than maybe you can develop appreciation that they arent with his best interest in mind. You are dealing with a different person here, entitled to his own, wants, beliefs and thoughts. So how can you say you love and respect him, yet try to control him and bend your will onto him? You dont get to decide what is best for him, simply because its what you feel is best for you. I think he has made where he is at very clear. Not to say he doesnt have feelings and thoughts as you do. However, he clearly does not intend on revisiting them or attempting to reconcile them with you.

We have established the dynamic that existed between, whatever it was, wasnt working. So lets say, he calls you tomorrow, says you are the love of his life and wants to get back together. What work have you been doing, while pinning away for him, that has amounted to meaningful change on some of your shortcomings that you have identified? If the answer to this is none, than although an attempt to get back together is initiated I suspect the end result will be the same. Ever heard the saying trying to the same thing twice the same way, and expecting different results? If you want to be better for him, you need to first be better for yourself. You need to be better for yourself period, regardless of him. This should be your only focus.

You gave this guy 3 years, he left you. You’re giving the person who left you, who essentially said, I dont want you in my life anymore, the power to keep your stuck while he moves on? The path to freedom is one you must walk alone, he is gone, and isnt coming back. So stay stuck? or walk forward with pride? Knowing that whatever your shortcomings were or how much you blame yourself. You deserved a partner who will communicate with you, help you identify areas of improvement, and demonstrate patience and compassion while you grow, and meanwhile grow with you. Someone who understands the situation, one being stressful, your stress his stress, and not punish the relationship for it, and bounce to go find something easier with another chick. Doesnt sounds like this dude was that kinda dude or he was looking to be the kinda guy who was gonna be there for you when the chips are down. Lucy, you honestly deserve better. No one should ever have this much power over our actions and future. Unfortunately though you are letting him have it. That’s all on you sister. So realize it, realize what you deserve, realize what you werent getting from him. Reflect and appreciate the good times and understand the bad were necessary for growth. Breakups in a way are a gift, an opportunity to learn about ourselves. But only if you are willing to unwrap it. Get yourself in a position where you can be truly emotionally available for the next relationship and with the empowering feeling you are in more control of yourself, so that you can lend into making it a more robust and well rounded experience. I hope you find that, and you will. Just takes time. Peace

-Chad

Lucy,

You refer to him in two tenses, the person you knew, and the person he acted like at the end. Its important to keep in mind, throughout the entire time you knew him beginning till end. His actions, his words, his behavior be it good or bad. This is who he is, as a whole. Its a concept I struggle with myself, to know that people are capable of great amazing things, and some pretty terrible callous selfish things also. Im no different, none of us are. Its really hard to look at someone the same way once we know what they are really capable of doing when the are only thinking of themselves. It makes us question all the good, and whether it was genuine or not. I think it was, but only in that moment. You have to take it for what it is. Understand the dichotomy of peoples personalities. People these days lack consistency. Our personalities and character traits come out in a polarized fashion. To one extreme or another. Trick is finding someone who will treat you with respect and consideration when things are good, and respect and consideration when things are bad. Because being that type of person is important to them to be authentic, i.e. even when they are only motivated by themselves. Both sides of us are who we are always, circumstances or the behavior of others have a large role in our reactions, however do not absolve us of our accountability to how we act. If we act in a way that is shameful to us, the best way to deal with it is not act that way in the first place. However most people do not have this level of awareness or honesty with themselves, to take true ownership of their actions.

You miss the friendship, for me this was also the hardest thing to get over. Above nothing else my ex had become my best friend and I missed him in my life for that the most. Try to look at it this way. You love him, you want the best for him, you want him to be happy. For me I realized, that if these feelings are true, than I need to own them in their true form. Letting him go on his way and go do him, and respect he makes his own choices. His choice was to leave and date someone else. I will not attempt to understand it, but simply accept that as his right and his choice, and support it by leaving him alone and letting him live his life the way he wants to live it. I will always be by my ex’s side in spirit, that will never change. That brings a level of contentment that helps with the empty feeling that exist as we are no longer present to each other. Eventually as you find yourself and your confidence again, this need to connection will go away.

You say you were taking from the relationship but not really put back in. This is a very insightful observation. One I applaud you for the ability to identify as it took me awhile to get this myself. As the same dynamic was occurring for me. To share with you something my therapist told me. A relationship is like an emotional bank account. If both people are withdrawing, and not making deposits, or one is withdrawing while the other is putting in all the money. Just as you need to balance your checkbook, the emotional register of your relationship gets throw off kilter. Eventually the account runs dry and there will be nothing left. Checks will start bouncing, in other words they loose their value. Next thing you know your picture is hanging up by the register saying, “NO CHECKS FROM THIS PERSON.” Dammit time to find somewhere else to shop…… When people talk about “emotionally checking out.” I believe this analogy is what they refer to. One is simply no longer willing to keep their name on an account that is over drawn, as they arent willing to invest anymore money into an account that has been mismanaged or one where someone has taken all the advantage and none of the risk. Or it could be that they were the one hoarding cash for a trip to vegas and they see that cash cow has gone dry, so they move onto the next sucker. It sounds like you’ve identified this as a dynamic in your relationship. So the answer now is, how do I become more emotionally responsible with the next guy? How do I communicate my needs if I find the register is not adding up?

You are right, you should not take him back unless he is willing to make you feel like you are on the same page with how it was left and where it goes from here. Most on here will suggest another way. We all have the ability to forgive, its just whether we want to or not. You are going to need to forgive him any how. Its really the only way to release this and move on without it becoming baggage. You are also going to need to forgive yourself and your shortcomings, and be compassionate that you are only human, it was an unfortunate situation, but things will be better because of it, it needed to happen this way.

I agree he probably is a really good person, but that doesnt mean he’s the right person for you. My ex is a really sweet hearted and giving guy, when he wants to be…… but I dont expect that side of him to be present all of the time. There will be times when the other side of him must come out during conflict and difficulty. It is this side I do not like or have confidence in. As far as ability to resolve conflict and move on without resentment, he just hasn’t demonstrated that ability. This is equally important to me in someone I date just as the sweet guy stuff.

I would suggest something moving forward? I really like your train of thought of what you would want need upon his return. You seem like you have learned a lot about the dynamic and would attempt to take some steps to achieve more balance in the future. Try this, think the same way, but remove him from the picture. Keep that same attitude and perspective and use it when dating new people and opening yourself up to new opportunities for love. Keep the same things you know and learned and stand up for the same things but from new people, people who may be in a better position to be those things for you. I dont mean this so much in the forgiveness aspect but more so in the boundaries that you have discovered that you will need respected before you throw yourself into a relationship again. I think if you try this, you will turn your attitude inward toward yourself and what you deserve, and less outward and what this particular guy needs to do for you.

As lame as it sounds time heals all. Im leaps and bounds above where I was a month ago, crying at my desk, or when any sad song came on, or for no reason at all. I hear the same song now and think pffft sappy bs, lol. Changing your perspective really helps, it seems you have a eagerness to do just that. Im glad I can help! We’re all stuck on this cosmic roller coaster called earth together. If you feel like you need any further sounding board feel free to post away I will look for “Lucy” and help where I can. That is until you realize Im full of it and tell me to bug off :p Take care, and go find those possibilities and make them your reality, for that best life you want!

-Chad