Dear Girija

In answer to your question what is dharma?

I guess the stock answer would be the teachings of the buddha and subsequent commentaries. it has been described as the Buddha is the doctor the dharma is the medicine and the sangha are the nurses.

But for me it is more like the truth and in the same way that there is not a buddhist gravity, a christian gravity and a different gravity for muslims, so anything that helps me understand the nature of the mind and how to live a gentler more caring way.

Not all truths are easy to understand and some can be quite painful but it does not mean giving up exploring for answers and so far the teachings of the Buddha have been a good & wise friend to me when I put them into practice.

Dear Girija:

“I am anxious, not because I am afraid, I am anxious when I feel helpless about what I am afraid of” – you weren’t afraid to kill the snake because you felt powerful over the snake. On the other hand, you are afraid to do what you feel powerless to do…  and afraid to stop doing what you feel powerless to stop.

“I have an underlying discontent with life that seems to be a consent. I am sick of drama” – you meant “seems to be a constant” right? I think that it’s a typo, but an interesting one: your discontent is a matter of your consent perhaps… you are consenting to and participating in the drama that you are sick of?

anita

Dear Girija:

You started your thread, titled “I want to be normal” on January 5 this year. You shared in your original post that there was “a lot of trauma” in your childhood, trauma that “still lives and breathes” in you every day. You shared that you have “no one to depend on“, and you wrote: “I am at the mercy of other people to define how my day will be, how my life will be… I’ve had enough. My life is unbearable. I am in a lot of pain. I want this to stop. I can’t take it anymore“.

In a previous March -May 2019 thread, titled “Advice for the lost and weary“, you shared about your childhood and ongoing trauma: there were “horrible fights” in the home, your mother was “incredibly unhappy and sad… detached… always took care of us, besides emotional stuff“. Your childhood left you “feeling very lonely at times when I just wanted someone to be by my side when I was down…I think it is just disappointing – to only have yourself“.

One time, you asked your mother in regard to your bi-polar father: “what will we do if dad loses his job”? She answered: “we will just have to kill ourselves“.

“My mother has taught me – to not try to change your situation as you may lose what you already have… I lose hope very quickly…I zone out and go into all the things that could go wrong… paralyzed by fear and being overwhelmed by stress has been a pattern… I have lot of anxiety about how things could get worse… feeling powerless, forced to do things I don’t want to do with no way out… I actually think that part of me died when I was younger – the part that could go after things. I am more a plant than a bird, I am afraid” (2019).

Fast forward to this thread, on January 4, 2022, you described yourself, referring to yourself in the 3rd person (a writing exercise): “She believes that bad things will happen to her, so she is always looking out for it. She is also super scared… No amount of life experience seems to build her strength. She just gets through one thing at a time… Every negative possibility bothers her… she is always left alone…She doesn’t trust anyone including herself“.

Fast forward 15 pages, and nothing changed, April 12: “I am anxious when I feel helpless about what I am afraid of. And I have an underlying discontent with life that seems to be a constant… It may be consenting by not leaving everything and going away… Forced to stay” –

– You don’t leave everything/ you stay because you are stuck in anxiety, fearing that if you leave your life situations, things will get worse. A week ago, on April 6, you wrote: “I’ve always wondered why the women in my family never left… Why don’t they ever consider leaving?

“I got to an answer of this… Simply put – I am being mentally drained… I have no energy left to consider leaving… being perpetually anxious… drained to the point that we don’t see alternatives despite being aware of them” – anxiety is draining.

Wikipedia on Anxiety disorders: “anxiety disorders are…  characterized by significant and uncontrollable feelings of anxiety and fear such that a person’s social, occupational, and personal function are significantly impaired…. Anxiety may cause physical and cognitive symptoms, such as restlessness, irritability, easy fatiguability, difficulty concentrating, increased heart rate, chest pain, abdominal pain, and a variety of other symptoms that may vary based on the individual…

“In casual discourse, the words anxiety and fear are often used interchangeably. In clinical usage, they have distinct meanings: anxiety is defined as an unpleasant emotional state for which the cause is either not readily identified or perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable, whereas fear is an emotional and physiological response to a recognized external threat” –

– so far, of course you fit the description all too well. In regard to the difference between fear and anxiety, what you felt most recently regarding the poisonous snake was fear, as the snake was a real and tangible external threat. On the other hand, what you feel on an ongoing basis is anxiety, fearing an intangible, vague external threat: “I have lot of anxiety about how things could get worse“.

Back to Wikipedia: “There are several types of anxiety disorders, including generalized anxiety disorder, specific phobia, social anxiety disorder, separation anxiety disorder… Generalized anxiety disorder is ‘characterized by chronic excessive worry accompanied by three or more of the following symptoms: restlessness, fatigue, concentration problems, irritability, muscle tension, and sleep disturbance…

“People with an anxiety disorder may be challenged by prejudices and stereotypes that society has created as a result of misconception around anxiety and anxiety disorders…  (1) most people believe anxiety is not a real medical illness; and (2) most people believe that people with anxiety could turn it off if they wanted to. For people experiencing the physical and mental symptoms of an anxiety disorder, stigma and negative social perception can prevent an individual from seeking treatment.

“There are two prevalent types of stigmas that surround anxiety disorders: Public and Self-Stigma. Public stigma in this context is the reaction that the general population has to people with an anxiety disorder. Self-Stigma is described as the prejudice which people with mental illness turn against themselves…

“Treatment options include lifestyle changes, therapy, and medications… First-line choices for medications include SSRIs or SNRIs to treat generalized anxiety disorder”.

My thoughts as I apply the information about anxiety disorders to the quotes in the first part of this post: (1) The title of your thread is “I want to be normal” – as in having your anxiety disorder being successfully treated and as a result, suffering significantly less anxiety? (2) Anxiety “still lives and breathes” in you every day, (3) The fights and discontent in your home as you grew up plus having no one there to emotionally support you, or help you (“feeling very lonely.. no one to depend on“) led to your anxiety disorder, (4) Your mother scaring you about things getting worse (“we will just have to kill ourselves“ is worse than “if dad loses his job“) cemented your anxiety disorder,

(5) Suffering from an anxiety disorder, you often feel hopeless, helpless, powerless, zoned out, paralyzed, overwhelmed, forced to do things, no way out…super scared, drained, etc., all the words you used. Being stuck in an anxiety disorder, you are also stuck in survival mode: every day is like the one before, you don’t learn from the previous day, and improvements made in the previous day are all gone the morning after. You live every day without the benefit of having learned anything the previous day. This leads to you not trusting yourself to succeed at anything (“She doesn’t trust anyone including herself“).

In closing: it is obvious that you suffer from an anxiety disorder; which one I don’t know: I am not a professional and even if I was, a public forum is not the right context for a professional diagnosis or treatment. Why don’t you see a professional who can diagnose you and who can come up with a professional treatment plan designed specifically for you?

Maybe those first-line choices for medications, the SSRIs or SNRIs, can take the edge off of your anxiety, so that are no longer stuck in survival mode, that is, no longer being stuck in every day being the same as the day before. Maybe these medications will make it possible for you to remember today what you learned yesterday, and build tomorrow on top of what you build today?

anita

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