Dear Girija:

I hope that you are persevering, and that tomorrow will be Girija’s Shamelessness Day # 3!

anita

Dear Girija:

I know that you care very much about your mother’s health. I hope her scan reveals that she is healthy. Let me know if it does, will you?

anita

Dear Girija:

Do your best to be and remain calm this week. There is no benefit for anyone in you being stressed. Remain calm and focus on being kind to your mother AND being shameless.

anita

Dear Girija:

You shared that every 6 months your mother is tested for cancer, and each time you are afraid of a bad result, and you experience an emotional turmoil that takes away your peace of mind, stagnates and depresses you.

“I’d like to know. How to not be afraid…  Is there an ideal way to go about this?… Do you know of a way where this won’t bother me?” –

Let the words of the serenity prayer guide you: “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” – whenever you think about a bad result, ask yourself if there is anything you can do to make the result a good result? If there isn’t, then all your worrying will not at all help your mother. If your worries and emotional turmoil is of no benefit to her, why engage in it? In other words, it does not make you a good daughter when you worry about your mother’s health because it doesn’t help her. Your suffering is of no help to her (unless she enjoys seeing you suffer, in which case, she is sadistic and that’s a different story).

How many people get into accidents because of worrying too much? There are no statistics, but I figure that there are hundreds of thousands of people around the world who die because of excessive worry, every year. For example, crossing the street inattentively, while under the influence of worrying, so to speak, and getting hit by traffic.  Plus, people harm their bodies while worrying and consequently being inattentive, for example, lifting something that very heavy and it drops on your foot, injuring it severely. There are millions of accidents of all kinds, every day, because of inattentiveness. Worry and anxiety are the leading cause of inattentiveness and therefore, they harm our physical and mental health in many ways.

And so, when you worry about your mother’s test result today, knowing that what you worry about is completely out of your control, and it is of no benefit to your mother, and it harms you- ask yourself, what is under your control? Your behavior toward your mother is under your control. Make sure that you are kind and supportive to her, unless she is abusive toward you, and if she is, call her on it assertively. Otherwise, be kind to her, tell her that you love her, as long as you feel it. Or show it to her in ways that she is receptive to. Not only around the time of the tests, but all year long.

Also, look at the big picture, best you can: you worry about your mother dying, but it is possible that you will die before she does, from worrying or from a disease that is already in you. As I am typing you these words, I don’t know what disease I might be having right now, one that could kill me. (I don’t go to doctors- although I should- for prescreening tests, so I don’t know). The lab technician that will process your mother’s test result might die before your mother does. We are all in the same boat in this regard, not knowing whose turn is next. Accept this reality because it is real.

Pay attention, be mindful of your thoughts, your feelings, your words, your actions, and change what is in your power to change, dismiss your unhelpful worries, think about the big picture, focus on the here-and-now, choose kind words, kind actions.

anita

Dear Girija:

You are welcome. “I guess the fear is of suffering… I think it is fear that something will be too much for me, in this case it is, and wanting to not go through it again. Not wanting my mom to be down. I don’t want to see her devastated again” –

– when you think of your mother being devastated again, you get scared. What scares you is not your mother being devastated again because it didn’t happen yet. What scares you is the THOUGHT that she will be devastated if the result is bad. When you are not thinking about it, you are not scared of this particular fear. So, what scares you is a THOUGHT.

When the thought appears again, think- a moment ago I didn’t think this, and I was therefore not afraid of this. Nothing real changed since a moment ago, so… it’s only a thought that scared me. And then, let go of the thought because it’s only a thought.

Once in a while, reintroduce to yourself the thought that better you accept the things you cannot change with as much serenity as possible for you at any moment.

anita