Hi anita

I spoke to him twice. The first time it went okay, we were both a little awkward but since our work is similar, we were able to share a lot of stories. But what I didn’t like was he asked me questions on what I was looking for and what I did not like but when I asked him the same, he said he had no expectations. I spoke to him 2 days after that, he said he only had one thing to clarify which was that he is very attached to his parents, so he doesn’t see himself moving abroad. I am okay with not moving abroad, but I wasn’t keen on how he mostly spoke about his parents and did not have much to say about what we would be. So I said no. I don’t want my life to revolve around elders anymore and I explained it to him as my wanting to take care of both of our parents but prioritizing my spouse first and wanting to be best friends with him. It was my way of telling him that a traditional marriage wouldn’t work for me. He didn’t have much to say to that. It kept going back to his parents. I could tell he didn’t put much thought into what he wanted and was ready to go ahead as long as I was okay with all the “conditions” he had. He will find someone who can centre her life around his parents. But, I can’t be that person anymore. And I want someone who recognizes that a couple needs privacy and also like me, wants to build a personal relationship together. I don’t want to be comrades, if that makes sense.

Girija

Hi anita

My latest emotional outburst is because of this. I am not too hopeful about guys through this arranged marriage process. But I don’t trust online dating. I can think I want a non-traditional guy but if I put in words it will bring the wrong type of guys. Online dating itself is complicated. Most men want to hook up and then marry someone their family finds for them. I am somehow not motivated to take those chances, especially knowing where I stand in the pool. So, I’m frustrated. This process is not honest.  And I don’t have the confidence to put myself out there when the chances are so low. It will take away a lot of my energy, I don’t think I will succeed and I don’t have the time to take it slow. I am already considered on the older side for marriage. I am disappointed that I won’t get better than a traditional marriage and that upsets me. I think I’ve been set up to fail because had I known when I was younger, I would have focussed more on myself and not my family and the fear that we may end up on the streets.

Girija

Hi anita

I understand what you mean by I just need to find the ONE guy so I shouldn’t worry about most guys. I think I have this fear that the ONE guy will hurt me? That it might turn out wrong. Firstly there is the fear of failure but also fear of success. What if what I think is right for me is wrong. The fear of failure is greater though. I am afraid I will be completely broken if I get confirmation of my fears that I am not likeable or loveable.

I do need to mourn. I think I am. Not just the past but also the future. I know you say I need to change my attitude. But this is more evidence based and that added with the odds – it feels like it’s over. I am sorry for being so negative.

Girija

Hi anita

You’re right. I am hurting. And also I took some time to think about this. I am disgusted by myself. Maybe it is from an imagined male perspective I have internalized and not really my true opinion. But my body is disgusting. And my life is filled with problems. I am not an interesting person. These are the thoughts I have. I think I’ve rejected myself.

I wonder how that works. Afraid something that is already happening will happen. It reminded me of a Telugu( my mother tongue) movie scene. It is supposed to be funny but preachy too – The hero slaps the comedian and says, “I’ll make you ask for more slaps”. The comedian says, “there’s no way I’ll ask, since it hurts”. The hero then takes out his belt and the comedian goes, “ok let’s go back to the slaps”. It sounds violent but wasn’t potrayed as such. Point being you will sometimes live with the pain you have as trying to remove it may bring more pain.

My life is wrong. But if I go somewhere to correct it, will it turn worse? I don’t know if this thinking is why I am struggling or if it is just self loathing. Or just knowing men won’t like me. I don’t know. But what you said made me recall this scene.

I will mourn the past for now. I am a fearful person. But I don’t know if it is just fear that is holding me back. How do you fight fear? Exposure therapy in this case is too intense for me. I can’t put myself out there completely for love yet.

Girija

Hi anita

The part about not negotiating and walking away requires that you first believe that’s an option. I was opining that perhaps when you see life as only pain, you’ll settle for familiar pain and not consider that there might be a future that is painfree. I would love to know why you think we are fearful of something that has already happened.

And I would absolutely walk away from pain that I can walk away from. Things like illnesses though had convinced me in the past that life itself is pain. Pain you can’t run away from.

Girija

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by samy.

Hi anita

I understand taking a break or preventing unneccesary pain. But I don’t know what that is in my life.

Correct me if I am wrong. But since I feel rejected by most people in my life now, I think I’ll be rejected in the future? Hurt works too in place of reject. Isn’t that just going off of life experience though? Like when I touched fire, it hurt. So, if I touch fire again, it will hurt again?

Girija

Hi anita

Ok. I stand corrected.

I am not expecting you to say something that will immediately help me drop the disgust and fall in love with myself. That would be wrong of me.

As for what I can say to myself. I don’t know, I am more than fine with myself in a vacuum. It is when I think about guys that there is this rejection. Otherwise, I do respect myself. For me it feels like I am being realistic with my assessment when I think about finding love.

Girija