Hi Lumou,

Yes this definitely requires a change in perspective to transform your habit of seeking validation from others.

Yes, as you said, you need time. Take out time to make this time.

The only way to stop validation from others is to start focusing back on yourself.

§ Stop seeking validation from others.

– When you seek approval from others, you add an unnecessary step and go backwards from the direction of your own happiness.
– Make sure you do not add these steps anymore.

§ Start approving of yourself

§ Don’t give your power away.
“When you do not seek or need approval, you are at your most powerful.” ~Caroline Myss

§ Start giving yourself time, attention and care
You deserve your own time, attention, care, appreciation and of course love. Give yourself these things on a regular basis.

§ Be gentle with yourself

§ Be self-ish
– Do one thing today just because it makes you happy
– Incorporate some form of self-care and self-love into your daily routine. Also self-care and self-love aren’t a One-Time Deal. So include them on a regular basis.

§ Start the focus on yourself

– Prepare a list and do all the things that you like to do and makes you feel happy. This list should not contain something where other people are involved. You may struggle to think as to what can I do for myself that makes me happy but does not involve other people. Well, here are a few examples on the same – (below are just a few tips; add your own, and as many as you want)

•  Go and watch the sunset or simply go to a beach  (sounds cliche but worth the visit)

• Go and buy something to eat for yourself that you like very much

• Go for a walk simply to a place where you have never been before.

Of course go to a safe place. Keep walking and walking just for the heck of it. No particular agenda in mind, no destination to go, just keep going. Once you are tired or feel like you have gone far then return back. Make sure that you know the road to return back 🙂

•  Simply go to the roof, lie on your back, both hands under your head, and watch the sky

• Sit down and take ten deep breaths

All these breaths are yours – only yours and nobody else’s.

• Take a different route to your work or college. Just for the heck of it – for no reason at all

• Be still for a while

Sit somewhere in the greens or on a park bench, and be quiet for a few minutes. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. Simply sit.

• Inhale a fragrance that you like

Maybe Lavender or maybe Peppermint or maybe Rose……or whatever you like. Whatever that boosts your mood and makes you feel happy and cheerful.

• Watch the sunrise

If you have watched the sunset (in #1); now wake up early on some morning and watch the sunrise too.

• Have a good and hearty laugh.

Put some YouTube videos that make you laugh and giggle or read a comic strip if you like it that way

• Go alone to a museum or a gallery

• Become more conscious of your health

Add at least one healthy item in your breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Then add two. Continue as you wish.

• Stroke a pet

• Take a “self-spa” at home (or maybe even at an actual spa).

Take a long bath or shower, sit long in the bath tub if you prefer. Apply something of nice fragrance.

• Strike something off from your to-do list

Either something that you have been postponing for a long time or something that is easy and quick to do.

• Disconnect yourself for an hour (or minimize the time if you attend something urgent)

No phones, no messages, no social media, no emails, no internet.

• Shake yourself

Put your favorite track and dance the heck out of you. If you do not like dancing then simply put your favorite songs and listen to them.

The list is going to be endless. Prepare your own list.

After a few weeks of doing the above things – Stand in front of the mirror, finger-point yourself and proclaim to your own face in the mirror “You are awesome! You are so amazing! You finally did it”. Let it be even if you do not mean it. Continue acting on the above list and the ones that you prepare, which is for yourself and only for yourself.

■ Be aware that during this inner transformation of yours, people may provoke you by saying or doing something that may pull you back to your old habits. For eg; someone close may say “You used to do this for everyone; but now you are not. Why, what  has happened?”  Respond politely. Maybe by smiling gently or by saying nothing depending on the situation. Don’t give any reasons that from now on I am not doing anything for others but only for myself.

■ During this journey, also pay attention and make sure that you do not become so selfish, self-absorbed and self-centered that you are lacking consideration for other people. For eg; Do give a warm genuine smile and thank them when someone helps you or tries to offer you some help. I hope you get the point.

Best wishes,

VJ

• This reply was modified 6 years, 12 months ago by VJ.

People please realize there isn’t a greater purpose for us to fulfill here on earth. Hence we don’t need anybody s approval But just to know that life is fragile and we shouldn’t be taking things for granted. Those who smile to us may not be with us tomorrow. So gratitude is essential.

Just know that God wants us to forgive others and move on. We alone can’t posses the power to solve problems . Though we can be of great help to each other.

Bye and good bless