Hey Anita! Again thank you for your response.

Well based on what he has said in the past, he’s not in the place to work on us because he is so engrossed in this film program he is involved with. It’s almost like a cult like setting where he just works with his team of 12 others and they are filming like 6 days a week. He has said that he really wants to put all of his focus into this film project they are working on. And when we broke up our relationship was VERY complicated. There were lots of hurt feelings and honestly it was all very heavy. I think both of us have a slight fear that when we get back together we will again feel some of that heaviness as we may have to work through some stuff, as everyone has to do in relationships. Me and Nic are both very dramatic and we both feel a lot and everything. Which is why we experienced some of the greatest feelings in life together and some of the hardest. I think for these reasons he doesn’t want to get back into everything right now while we live across the country and are very involved in new school programs.

Also, one of the reasons we broke up was because he was having second thoughts about marriage in general. And at the time I was very dead set on marriage and us setting a date. I put a lot of pressure on him for a lot of things. Honestly, I look back and don’t feel I was the best partner. Maybe for some of these reasons he also feels he is not ready because he is thinking I have those same expectations as before. And at this point I really don’t. I just want to be with him because being with him was the best part of my life and I miss him everyday. I would like to just sit with him and talk and watch movies and dance. I wouldn’t even care about getting married like I did before. I’m not as attached to that idea of marriage.

It’s just hard because I can’t even tell him all of this stuff because “he’s not ready.” It sucks. I guess I just need to move on and if it is meant to be it will be.

Anita, wow you are very wise. Thank you for your support.

Sometimes I wish we never had that email exchange with Nic because I actually had put the hope to sleep. Until we exchanged those emails. Then, because of what he said, it just refilled me with all the love I’ve ever had for him all along. It was just so frustrating because for the past year I had been dating and dating and every person I met did not even hold a candle to Nic. Or if they did, they weren’t interested in me. It just never seemed to work with anyone else. I guess I only really tried dating for one year before I reached out to Nic through those emails. Maybe I just need to try and date more. It’s just very hard because my heart isn’t in the dating. It’s still very connected to Nic. Which I am seeing is not serving me so I must try and let go. But how… When you had something so beautiful with someone? It feels crazy to let that go. But I guess it’s crazier to hold on to something that is non existent that is just causing me pain. But why did he say all the things about us being together again and his feelings not having had changed a bit and bla bla bla? Why would he say all of that? Is he just using our relationship for a future drama he wants to make cause it sure feels like I am in a depressing, sad, lonely movie. One that makes me cry all the time.

Thank you for all your great insights Anita! Till next time.