I took for granted the one true love of my life... now he's gone

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This topic has 20 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 6 months ago by Suzanne Baker.

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October 12, 2016 at 9:55 am #117920

Anonymous
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Dear Suanne Baker:

I am trying to understand why you wrote that you don’t know if you are “listening too much to emotions instead of logic.” Why is it not logical to re-start the relationship with Nic and plan a future together?

Is it illogical because although you are now doubting your religion you are still intent on marrying a man of your religion? Do you still see it necessary to marry a man who will be approved by your parents?

anita

October 12, 2016 at 5:45 pm #117969

Suzanne Baker
Participant

Anita, thank you for your response. No, I don’t intend on marrying within my religion. I guess I feel like I’m not being fully logical because I can’t ignore the fact that it did not work out the first time we were together. Part of me worries that because it didn’t work then, why would it work now? And I just think it may not be smart to be putting all of my hope into this future with him when maybe it won’t even work out again. But I do think we both have changed a lot in the past year apart. So it will probably be worth seeing if it will work again.

October 12, 2016 at 6:21 pm #117971

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Suzanne Baker:

I understood that it didn’t work before because he decided he had a change of mind about your religion, to which he converted so to please you and your parents. Following his change of mind, you were angry at him. During the year apart you too had a change of mind about your religion.

In your last post you wrote: “it didn’t work then, why would it work now?” Because now you are okay with him not being of your religion.

Maybe you are afraid, simply afraid that it will not work out, for whatever reason. But you and him had such a great connection, from your share, a history of a loving relationship (until it was interrupted by religion), so I hope you do gather the courage to find out. That is, IF you really are okay with him not being of any particular religion AND if you are okay with your parents not approving of him as your future husband.

anita

October 12, 2016 at 8:41 pm #117983

Suzanne Baker
Participant

Anita,

Thank you for your wise words! I think I am a bit afraid just because of how sad I was during everything before. But you’re right, I do think it is so worth it to have courage and move forward with faith in the relationship instead of fear.

October 13, 2016 at 3:35 am #117993

XenopusTex
Participant

Suzanne, isn’t the amount of pain that a set of beliefs can bring amazing? Since we have no way of asking those who are truly dead, i.e. not resuscitated, we really have no idea what happens after you bite it. Remember that resuscitation allows for the mind to start trying to fill in what happened.

Maybe the Norse beliefs aren’t myth, maybe belief in a great mother turtle is right, maybe the entire end game is turning into worm food, who knows? It is only arrogance to believe that there is only one correct belief, with the requirement of others to share that belief.

October 13, 2016 at 7:15 am #118004

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Suzanne Baker:

There is fear and faith and if you try to bring the relationship with Nic back to life, there will be both. Sometimes there will be more fear than faith. Try to be as logical as you can be, as prepared as you can be while you make your sincere attempt. First, let him know about your change in viewing religion, that it is no longer your requirement or expectation or even a desire that he converts to any religion (again, if it completely true).

Let him know of that first, because that is the Issue that separated you.

anita

October 18, 2016 at 2:44 pm #118450

Suzanne Baker
Participant

I agree!!

October 18, 2016 at 2:49 pm #118451

Suzanne Baker
Participant

Anita, you are so great for your responses. I received an email back from Nic saying he still has all the same feelings for me that he ever had and he can’t wait for the day when we are back together. He also said he is not in a place to try and work on us right now. He said that he doesn’t want this to hinder me from moving forward if I meet someone else before he is ready to get back together. This puts me in a miserable place because how can I move forward with the hope that he is giving me that one day we will be together again? I just don’t know what to do but it is very painful and feels like a heartbreak all over again.

October 20, 2016 at 12:55 pm #118569

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Suzanne Baker:

As I just read your last post, I felt happy for you until I read that he is “not in a place to try and work on us right now.” So I imagine you were happy too, until you read the rest. You therefore ask a good question: how can you move forward if this issue is not resolved. Do you wait for him or date others?

On a second thought, his suggestion is not completely illogical. If you do date other men, and you do meet a excellent match for you, in another man, then do move forward. Only if you meet an excellent-for-you man.

In other words, why don’t you date, get to really know a man BEFORE getting intimate. If the man is an excellent choice for you, then give up on Nic and move forward with the new man.

If the new man (yet to be met) is not an excellent choice, don’t compromise: date others and keep Nic in mind in the case that you don’t meet an excellent choice.

anita

October 20, 2016 at 4:24 pm #118576

Suzanne Baker
Participant

This is great advice Anita!! This is what I plan on doing. I couldn’t agree more with you advice of waiting to get to know him BEFORE getting intimate. That is SO VERY TRUE. Thank you so much for your wonderful advice! You are such a help to many of us. Thank you!

October 20, 2016 at 8:34 pm #118585

Anonymous
Guest

You are very welcome, Suzanne Baker. Do post anytime and I will be glad to reply.
anita

October 25, 2016 at 10:52 pm #118935

Suzanne Baker
Participant

Hey Anita, I’d love some feedback if you have any. I’m having a really hard time with this whole situation. I recently discovered on social media that Nic is actually seeing a girl in the town that he’s living in for school. It hurt me so I emailed him and told him that if he is building a relationship with someone I need to know so I can let go of ALL the hope I have for me and him in the future. He emailed back and said he is NOT building anything with anyone and that he meant everything he said and feels we will be together one day. But again that he isn’t in a place for us right now. Anyways, the problem is … my heart. I understand the situation and that he is temporarily seeing someone. I get it. We all get lonely. I have dated other guys during this time. But it hurts me when I see this new girl posting pictures of him. And it’s very clear she is really liking him. I haven’t dated anyone that posts pictures of me. I haven’t even gotten to that point with anyone. She’s a photographer and she posts pictures of Nic all the time and it breaks my heart and makes me miss him so much. Reminds me of when I used to be the one photographing him. Makes me want to be the one taking his picture now. It’s very painful. I wish this hurt would just go away. It’s too much.

October 26, 2016 at 8:45 am #118954

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Suzanne Baker:

Eight days ago, or so, he sent you an email saying: “he still has all the same feelings for me that he ever had and he can’t wait for the day when we are back together.” And again, a day or so ago, he wrote you in an email that: “he is NOT building anything with anyone and that he meant everything he said and feels we will be together one day.”

Now I am wondering, if the woman he is involved with, if she knows the above. I wonder if he told her that he has feelings for his ex girlfriend (you), and that he can’t wait to be with you again.

Did he tell her that he is not ready for you so he is with her until he is ready to be with you again…

Maybe he is not that honest, with her… and maybe with you. What do you think?

anita

October 26, 2016 at 9:37 am #118958

Suzanne Baker
Participant

Yes you are correct. I don’t know if the girl he is involved with knows about me. I didn’t ask. I don’t know that she would care either. She’s young and I think she is probably just excited to be spending time with an interesting guy. Even if its not a long term thing. I do know him very well by know (I think) and one thing I know about Nic is that he is a honest guy. He would never intentionally hurt another person. From what I can gather, he probably hasn’t told her about me and is enjoying the company of someone who clearly thinks very highly of him (because she won’t stop taking pictures of him and posting them) while finishing his masters program in a little town where not many people live. I’m sure he enjoys the attention, as most people would. He will not live there long term so I’m sure the girl knows the relationship is somewhat temporary…? Then again I really don’t know the extent of it. All I know is that I really miss him and with our recent email exchange it makes it very difficult that he is seeing someone. And I am definitely not seeing anyone. I really want to get over this attachment I feel to him.

October 26, 2016 at 9:49 am #118960

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Suzanne Baker:

Tough situation for you: feeling a strong attachment to Nic, seeing another girl infatuated with him (on social media), being told by Nic that he is also strongly attached to you and sees a future but not yet. There is no future date or suggestion when a getting-together will happen.

Wait, how did I miss this: WHY is he not “not in a place to try and work on us right now”- what does it mean? He is not talking about a geographical place, is he? Why not “work on us” right now? Did you and I communicate about his reasons, I don’t remember? Did you ask him?

anita
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