Hi Anita,

I haven’t heard from bf since Sunday, which isn’t unusual.  He did mention he’s not feeling well; may get COVID tested, but we mostly communicate on the weekends.  His COVID issues are really his OCD kicking in; every sniffle is COVID.

Quite frankly, I needed a break from him this week.  My daughter the other morning was very upset about bf.  She doesn’t know why he formed a father-like relationship with her, only to use her and hurt her.  It’s really putting her in a not so good place, and she did reach out to her therapist in an email which she let me read.  She mentioned that I seem to be ok, which she couldn’t understand.  I told her I can’t spend every moment thinking about bf. I think about her, her brother, me.  I keep busy, but I’m not ok.  But I can’t let the times that I’m not ok consume me, because although I get sad, I deserve better, and so does she. I told her that I will have people come into my life, and she has her whole life ahead of her and many people will come into her life.  We have to establish our boundaries with those people for our own peace of mind.  We continue on with our therapy.

This morning, as I wrote in my journal, I was angry.  Angry at bf for what he’s done, angry at my daughter for not being more resilient and moving forward with her life (and not self-medicating with alcohol on occasion), and angry at myself, for not telling bf a year ago to “f” off.  I know this sounds so unlike me, but I was in a very angry place.  And the harm he’s caused to my daughter is inexcusable.  She was off limits in our relationship.

I know I’m venting, but I know I’ve been quiet this week.  I think I just needed to get angry.  And I didn’t care where he was mentally and emotionally, because seeing my daughter hurting is heartbreaking to me.  And it’s all because of him.  But, I reinforced that we learn lessons from relationships.  Her response was “Believe me, I’ll never let anyone you’re with in again.”  Which I understand at this point, and also think is safe.

Katie

Hi Anita,

My daughter seems to have these upsetting missing moments of bf when she’s been drinking.  I’m beginning to believe that she has a problem and is self-medicating. Once she turned 21, she started to drink.  She doesn’t drink daily, but when she does it’s this day long binge and it interferes with her therapy…she misses appointments.  The past couple of times she did this binge, she had so much stomach pain that I told her that I believe she’s having alcohol gastritis.  I recall my ex having this issue.  And last night she had it after a day-long binge.  She drinks slowly over the course of 12 hours, but consumes a lot of alcohol.  She said it seems like the stomach pain is worse from the last time, and I told her “that’s because it is worse, because it’s getting worse.  Your body is telling you something and you’re not listening.”  I simply couldn’t feel sorry for her.  She’ll be sleeping just about all day today, but tomorrow she and I need to have a talk. I cannot live through burying my child, as her father’s mother had to do.

I actually spoke with bf over the weekend, and it was agreed that we would see a therapist together.  I do not feel his therapist is qualified to handle his issues, just from some of the things he told me.  He says he does most of the talking which isn’t good in my eyes.  She needs to interject and when she does, the answer he gives is just left at that.  He was talking about something, and she interrupted and asked him “is what’s bothering you the image you have in your mind of Katie and the other guy?”  He said “yes.” And she let him go on with what he was talking about before she asked that question.  She brushed over the issue, which is a huge issue.  It would have been a good time for her to educate him on trauma and reframing, but she didn’t.

I saw my therapist this past Monday, and he said he would welcome a meeting with me and bf.  He said it would help me make decisions about the relationship.  I said, “You want me to be present when you have the first appointment with him.”  He said, “Absolutely, bring it on.”  He said he would be professional, but wants to really dig into this.  My therapist is a PsyD, and he doesn’t hold back.  He’s not nasty, but to the point.   It will be an interesting visit. Of course part of what needs to be done is making amends with my daughter.  Bf knows this.

I need to either take slow steps forward with bf, or close this chapter.  Limbo isn’t working.  Perhaps the meeting on the 28th will give me insight.  I’m taking this one day at a time.

Katie

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Katie.

Happy New Year Anita!

Bf and I went to therapy together seeing my therapist.  My therapist made bf feel quite comfortable about seeing us together, as he has seen me for decades alone.  Bf liked him and felt comfortable.

My therapist asked bf many questions. I didn’t do too much talking because I knew that my therapist was trying to get a feel for what was going on with bf.  He did tell bf he knows that he has this image looping in his mind, and bf agreed.  But my therapist said that no matter how many questions you ask Katie and how many different ways you ask the questions, you’re never going to be satisfied with the answer, because this is your loop, which you need to stop. Katie can’t stop it.

Bf also offered the story of how he stopped over my house one day to talk with my daughter, and I told him not to go up to her bedroom.  Bf said he thought “someone” was upstairs that I didn’t want him to see.  My therapist said, “After 6 years together, it this what you think of Katie?  That as soon as you walk out, someone else walks in?”  Bf said it was because of the way I was dressed.  I said I didn’t want you to go up to daughter’s bedroom because it’s a violation of her privacy and a boundary.  Then I said that I wear what I was wearing all the time.  Bf said, you looked dressed up. I said I was wearing capri jeans and a black shirt.  I wear those with you all the time.  Then he said it wasn’t your usual dress down look. Then I started to say something and my therapist interrupted us and said, “Stop.  This right here what you’re both doing has to stop.  This constant banter of him accusing you of something and you explaining yourself has to stop.  Katie should say that’s not true, and that’s the end of it.  There’s none of this back and forth over an accusation.”  I then realized that I do that all the time.  He accuses me and I explain myself 400 different ways. And, it has to stop.

We did make another appointment to go back in a couple weeks, so we’ll see how that goes.  Although right now I am focusing on my daughter, and that is my main focus.

Katie

Hi Anita,

I wanted to update you on what has been going on with the therapy.  Last night we had therapy and I must say that I attended the appointment already angered by the past year that has unfolded.  I asked my psychologist how my ex-bf and I are supposed to communicate outside of a therapeutic setting when I bring up issues or things that offend me and he pacifies me with saying he understands but then days later he comes back with “You have no right to tell me……”  I don’t know what is true and what is not.  My offenses and concern is always the same… about him viewing nudity/sex on tv and movies when I find it offensive and degrading to women.  That even when I’m not with him, he should not be viewing when I find it offensive and objectifying women.   I told ex-bf that (believe it or not he’s religious) I don’t hang upside down crosses in my house and remove before he comes over.  He would know that during the week I have the crosses hanging, not caring about his offense, truly indicating who I am.

Therefore, with the help of my psych, I told ex-bf it was a deal breaker.  That it went against the core of who I am.  I would never offend him, and haven’t.  My psych asked him how do you feel about what Katie just said.  With that ex-bf got up and held out his hand (gesturing to shake mine).  I said I’m not shaking your hand. And he left the appointment.

So, he chose nudity and sex and porn over me.  That’s what I am telling myself and that’s what is making this so easy to walk away from.  My psych told me there is really something very not right with ex-bf.  My psych has been doing therapy for 30 years and has never seen a patient like ex-bf.  He also told me he doesn’t want this for me.  After a 25 year abusive marriage hadn’t I had enough?  I agreed. So now, I move on knowing I did everything I could to resuscitate this relationship.  But I cannot be with someone who offends and disrespects who I am.

Thank you for all your advice.  I continue on with my own therapy to hopefully understand the lesson I’ve learned.

Katie

Hi Anita,

I do love him, but I don’t like him.  I don’t like how insignificant he finds me.  I should have seen the flags along the way, but ignored them.

I guess now he can relax and not obsess over the mental movies of me with others.  He can finally put his mind at ease, since we are no longer together.  Now his mind can be at peace.

And, in time, I will have peace as well.

Katie