Dear Bonni_mor’s sister:

About 4 years of your 7-year relationship has been long-distance (LDR):

(1) Within a year of dating, he moved elsewhere for a job, and a one-year LDR ensued.

(2) He moved to your city for a different job and a close-proximity relationship ensued.

(3) He moved to China to study, and a two-year LDR ensued. Before he left to China, he lied to you, telling you that he will be in China for only one year. He lied, he told you,  because knowing that you don’t like to be in a LDR, he was afraid that if you knew it was to be for two years, you would break up with him.

(4) You then broke up but kept a virtual contact.

(5) Later you resumed a LDR, and after his two years absence, he returned to your city for a 5-month close-proximity relationship.

(6) You moved to Los Angeles and a LDR of a year ensued.

(7) You returned to your home country, Covid happened (early 2020) and you’ve been living together ever since. The relationship “has never been better”, and the two of you have been making plans for the future, one of which was to study abroad together. He was less invested in the idea than you were, applied to scholarships (and was approved), but he did not to schools. You applied to both, got into a few schools but didn’t receive a scholarship.

(8) He is now actively pursuing schools and leaving you for yet another stretch of a LDR.

“I feel betrayed by that. I am unable to be a supportive girlfriend right now because this was truly my dream for us and a way to prevent us from being physically separated whilst still pursuing our dreams. Am I being unsupportive?”-

– You are unsupportive of his individual plan to leave you. The mutual plan was to study abroad together. When making this plan, did the two of you discuss the real possibilities that (a) one of you will be approved for a scholarship, and the other will not, and (b) the two of you will not be accepted to the same school, or to schools close-to each other? If so, what was the content of such discussion/s?

The question of betrayal depends on your answer to the above.

anita

Dear Bonni-mor’s sister:

“He understood that I didn’t want us to be in a LDR again and that I wanted to pursue this personal goal subject to him being able to go with me. If either of us were not accepted, we would not go“-

– The part I italicized means that you and him had an agreement, a verbal contract: that either the two of you study abroad together, or none of you do. In other words, the agreement was that the two of you remain in a close-proximity relationship.

“He is now  actively pursuing going without me and I feel betrayed by that”- you really are being betrayed.

“I am unable to be a supportive girlfriend right now”- it is not appropriate for a girlfriend to support a man while he is in the process of betraying her.

“Am I being unsupportive?”- yes, you are being unsupportive of the man who is betraying you while he is busy betraying you.

“how do I communicate this to him without giving him an ultimatum, because I genuinely cannot experience another LDR”- I suggest that you express and explain to him that he is in the process of betraying the verbal contract he has made with you, and that by doing so, he is in the process of betraying you. Then wait for his response, or ask for it. Don’t respond to his response. Instead, let me know how he responds, and we can take it from there.

anita

You are welcome, Bonni_mor’s sister. When I receive your next post, I will reply further.

anita