Dear Victoria:

“After x amount of time, it could be a year or two or even in some instances four years, I start to notice their flaws“- reading this leads me to think that if their flaws were big, you would have noticed their flaws way earlier than 1-4 years.

“The problem is that this always happens. I always tend to get annoyed with friends and it feels like all of my friendships are a ticking time bomb“- I wonder if at first, you put your friends on a pedestal, but later, every once in a while, perhaps, they fall off from their pedestal, and you start feeling very distressed by relatively minor flaws. Any truth to my thinking?

anita

Dear Victoria:

You are welcome. “I do feel that these concerns/flaws are valid“- I am sure that your concerns are valid, that is, that the friends you have and had are flawed. I am sure because humanity really is flawed, deeply flawed, and these deep flaws are the reason why the world is in the bad shape it is in (escalating climate change, extreme politics, wars and crime).

You asked in your original post,  “Should I just drop everyone? Or give them more grace?“-I would drop those who crossed a line of no return, such as having committed unconscionable crimes against other, but I wouldn’t drop those who entertain or entertained some of the thoughts and emotions that led others to their crimes because.. almost every single person entertain such thoughts and emotions.

For example, although I am half North African with a mother with darker skin, I was taught primarily by her that people with darker skin are inferior, and although I don’t remember, I bet I expressed that belief before I started changing it. Should I have been dropped by everyone because of beliefs I didn’t choose, beliefs that led some to commit terrible crimes?

anita

Dear Victoria:

Of course, there is no requirement here that you share about your traumatic experiences of the past, or that you share about anything at all. Here should be a place where you feel safe, not threatened! I learned quite recently how very important it is to provide a safe place for a member in the context of the member’s thread: to not express anger at the member, to not express impatience, to not criticize unless necessary (ex. of necessary criticism: if a member shares about a behavior that is abusive to another person irl), and if so, to do it gently.

I will try this morning to offer you something that may be helpful to you, based on what you did share so far. I hope you have patience with this longer post:

“I have always had this fear that people will suddenly start hating me and leave me… I have a tendency to beat myself up and kind of replay moments when I have misspoken or similarly“- this suggests to me that you have an aggressive inner critic, one that tells you that you are wrong, bad and that other people will hate you (for being wrong and bad).

People who have an aggressive inner critic often (if not always) also have an aggressive outer critic. The two critics are two sides of the same coin. When a person is not busy harshly criticizes oneself, the person is busy harshly criticizes others.

This is what you shared in the order you shared it: “I enjoy getting to know new friends for the first time but after x amount of time… I start to notice their flaws.. The problem is that this always happens. I always tend to get annoyed with friends and it feels like all of my friendships are a ticking time bomb… It is not like huge flaws but at the same time they do distress and they do make me feel resentful towards my friends… I do put them on a pedestal in the beginning…I do understand that I should give them some grace but my resentment just makes interactions with them difficult so I thereby tend to self-isolate”.

I will now rearrange the above (the following are all your words but in a different order): I enjoy getting to know new friends for the first time. I do put them on a pedestal in the beginning. After x amount of time, I start to notice their flaws, not like huge flaws, but they do make me feel resentful towards my friends. My resentment just makes interactions with them difficult, so I thereby tend to self-isolate. The problem is that this always happens. I always tend to get annoyed with friends, and it feels like all of my friendships are a ticking bomb–

-What this suggests to me is that at first, when you meet new friends, you have.. a new hope that you finally met good people who you like, and who will like you back. This is what all of us humans need, being the social animals that we are: to connect with people we like, who will like us back. What happens next is a combination of the inner and outer critics operating aggressively within your brain, and the result: you bring about the end of the friendships.

“Will I ever feel satisfied with my relationships if I feel like this? Will I ever be able to forgive them?“- as a person with a long history of an aggressive inner and outer critic, and a resulting life of alone-ness and loneliness, I can tell you that yes, you can feel satisfied in future relationships if you work on those two mental entities, two sides of the same coin. The work starts with weakening and eventually rendering that aggressive inner critic powerless. When that happens, the other side of the coin, the aggressive outer critic becomes powerless as well. Instead of those two, you will have a reasonable, rational inner/outer critic combo. I would be glad to share more and to continue our conversation.. safely and gently.

anita